A Cold Dose of Reality — But I Will Rise To It

By now you know the case is over and the money I will receive is a mere fraction of what I’d hoped for. I hoped that this would take the sting out of the fact that my husband used up all my money and then cheated on me and dumped me.

I feel horrible. But you know what? I’ll manage. If this had happened to me a year ago, when I was weaker, god knows what I might have done. But I’ll eventually find that job and I’ll eventually move out. Of course I wish I had tried harder to find a job this last year, but it is what it is, I will find one now.

I texted my husband just to see if he was okay. Of course he was! He was sleeping! My heart breaks for him. I don’t know what he’ll do. He basically will have enough to pay off the people he’s been borrowing off of to live and maybe buy a ticket home to London. The saddest part was he said to me, “I’ll have to get a job then.” And even writing that I want to cry. He can’t get a job.

He can’t get hired. He can’t work for anyone. He KNOWS EVERYTHING. I heard him on a telephone interview once and he began an intellectual argument with the interviewer because he thought it would impress him! He knows everything. He is above everyone. He cannot lower himself to take orders. He says he’s 46 (I have my doubts) but he looks my age. He’s exhausted, looks tired, and has dark circles under his eyes. I don’t know what he’ll do.

I can honestly say his best course of action is to find another woman to live off of. I pray he continues to live in his fantasy world and doesn’t realize how dire things are because I fear if he does that he will turn his attention to me simply to save his drowning butt. I would have to reject him and it would be extremely painful for me.

My heart is broken for him because I still can’t find that on/off switch for my emotions. He put his dick in another woman and then treated me terribly. I was on my knees begging him to take me back and it was like hugging an iceberg. Whoever she was I sure hope she was worth it. There is no place in my life for him, but I will always wish things could have turned out differently.

I loved him in my own way and still do. He’s weird and odd, and so many things. But I might be getting my pity and love switches mixed up. I don’t know. I feel such shame for him ending up with nothing. I can only hope his parents begin to liquidate some of their remaining assets and help him out. He probably wishes he hadn’t promised me half of his share now. But he knows I am desperate and deserving of it. Believe it or not, when he does have money he is generous with it.

He has very little common sense when it comes to money. I think he’s only had a full time job a few times in his life, never for very long. He hasn’t really had to take care of himself. I’m so sad for him.

I gather it’ll be two weeks before the checks are cut. I have to spend a coupleĀ thousand right away, but the rest I’ll do my best to hang on to. When I get a job I’ll need to buy myself some work clothes. I’ve noticed all my cheap Old Navy clothes I bought last Spring are now feeling too thin and I’m shivering. I want to buy some sweaters, a nice coat, and a nice pair of snow boots. They say it’s going to be another cold winter. I have to get my car tuned up. The emergency break and the windshield wiper fluid don’t work.

The third “Leave a Cheater” MeetUp took place last night. There were four of us. I had already met two other members and we had a new person tonight. I don’t know how this Meetup will go or what it’ll morph into, but I enjoyed myself tonight and I told them all about this anti-anti-climax after more than a year of waiting. They were sympathetic and I was grateful to have someone besides family to talk about it with. As we were getting ready to leave I saw one of my husband’s best friends who seemed to recognize me. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I thought, Well, at least he can report to my husband that I was out with people. That will baffle him a little.

But I also thought, JESUS, I went out of my way to pick a place that my husband and his friends don’t go to and there he is. SHIT.

You know I sit here feeling such sympathy and empathy for my husband and his situation but what’s he doing? Who’s he with? Who’s he fucking? Who’s buying his cigarettes and beers now? I want some no contact time. I’m really needing some space from him. The conflicting emotions are too much.

But overall what I’m feeling today is true pity for this man who goes out of his way to look the part and act the part but he has nothing. I feel so bad for him that I am going to throw aside my hurt from the pain he’s caused me and be kind and gentle to him. I will not encourage him or take him back, not that he’s asked, but I know I’ll rise to this occasion somehow, and I doubt that he will. His madcap existence will continue. I am so fucking glad I got off that merry go round.

He isn’t honest with me and for all I know his parents have been helping him since I left. I need to stop feeling bad for him and focus on my own life and becoming independent. He has an overwhelming sense of himself and his worth, he doesn’t need me feeling sorry for him. He doesn’t need to know that I find him pathetic and it makes me want to care for him.

Back to swimming today and when I get home my new job will be looking for a job. One of the chumps last night said a person who is working is generally considered more hirable, so I figure I may have to take something I don’t care for just to get the better job. In other words, I need to lower my standards but keep pursuing the better position.

If I can get hired, I should be able to move out fairly soon since I have a small cushion. But I know how fast a person can go through money, and I’m fully aware that this is a small cushion.

I do feel melancholy today, but mostly about my husband’s prospects. I wonder if that is just one more sign of how off I am.

 

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