Beginning to Calm Down (Again)

Okay, I’ve had several really bad days since court but think I may be starting to come out of that now. By whining a great deal on the Chump Lady website I see that, due to the lawsuit, I more or less put my dealing with the cheating and impending divorce on hold, which stymied my progress, in fact set me back a bit.

My inner rage has been horrible and I plan to talk to my counselor about that today. I fear I may blow a gasket, so to speak. I’m irrationally upset by clueless people at the pool or bad drivers. I’ve got to back off, take a deep breath, regroup.

The fact is, this rage wants to direct itself at my husband, not at myself, and not towards strangers, it’s just that when I go ahead and direct it at him (in my head) then I feel overwhelmed with grief and I fear I just can’t handle it.

I really became utterly hopeless very quickly, which I am prone to do, and it serves no purpose. But that’s part of my personality disorder — still, I need to learn how to work on that because it’s quite painful for me (and annoying to others).

The bottom line is I need to find full time work and then I will be far too busy to wallow in my grief or worry about what he’s doing. I don’t know how long it will take me to find work, so I have to be prepared for the long haul and find ways to keep my confidence up. I’m going to go back to seeing my counselor once a week instead of every other week. I’ll need her support.

It’s been a while since I worked outside the house and that employment gap doesn’t look so good on my resume. But during that time I learned so much about how to run a website, and I know so much about social media. I haven’t lost any skills, I’ve gained them. I just need to remember that.

And yes, my age will prevent some people from hiring me, but someday someone will see my worth and offer me a job. My supervisor at the kids center said she’d be happy to be a reference and it does make me feel so good that the young people there seem to like me and I’ve gained confidence in myself as a worker since I began to volunteer there. I have a lot to offer.

At first I completely threw my business idea away since there’s no money for my own business, and then I thought that perhaps investing $500-1,000 in it wouldn’t hurt. I can buy one thing, the one thing I’ve considered for months and months, and then sell it on eBay. That is not a big risk, and I will learn so much in the process. The worst case scenario is that it takes me a year to sell what I’ve bought. The best case scenario is that I sell it and need to order more. So I’ll probably do that just to keep myself busy.

I want to know why I go to the depths of despair so quickly. It makes me feel panicked, suicidal, and it’s extremely stressful on people in my life. I need to find tools to be able to calm myself because it’s never as bad as I lead myself to believe it will be.

I also want to deal with my anger issues. Anger in women is pretty socially unacceptable, and I’ve always been really embarrassed by my rage. So I generally walk around very¬†controlled so that no one sees that side of me. Even now, as bad as I am, I rarely display the anger to others, but inside I feel ready to burst. The last several days I’ve felt on the verge of a public meltdown, but as of this morning I think I may be coming out of that. Regardless, I need to find out how to deal with the anger I have.

Because I had so much contact with my husband before the trial date I am now having to go back to as much no contact as possible and I’m finding that painful. So naturally I feel foolish that I didn’t consider that so much contact would have negative consequences for me. I think I was secretly enjoying our “new and calmer” relationship.

I’m back to having to process that:

  • I wasn’t worth being faithful to.
  • He’d rather be alone than be with me.
  • He will never see the pain and destruction he’s caused.
  • I was foolish for becoming involved with him in the first place.

I’ve decided that when the small amount of money comes (praying it still does), I will rent the larger storage unit, rent a truck, and get the rest of my belongings out of his apartment, no matter what he does. It’s time to do that and then hand him his key. And I pray that everything I left there doesn’t wreak of cigarette smoke.

I feared that when he got his money he’d leave the area. Now, while I still have mixed emotions about that, I’m annoyed that he’ll still be here a while since he is not getting enough money to pick himself up and move. I want to reclaim my town, and I really don’t want to run into him with another woman. I still wonder if a time will come when the idea of that doesn’t cause me to panic.

So many women on the Chump Lady website know who the other woman is. Many of their cheaters went on to marry the other woman and they are forced to deal with her every day. I’ve been lucky that that is not the case for me. I’d like him to go before I find him introducing her to me because he thinks I’d “like her.”

It would be so satisfying for him to have me as his pal and to shrug off this marriage and this breakup. I’m not going to do that. Not because the marriage was so fantastic, but because when he had used up my last penny he abandoned me.

I’ve been swimming, but it’s really difficult to make myself go. I get extremely annoyed when I have to share a lane — which is entirely impractical. I’ve been eating way too much and am trying to get a handle on that. I’ve probably gained back close to ten pounds — I can’t bring myself to weigh. My clothes don’t feel good. I must get it under control. Gaining back what I lost would absolutely demoralize me.

Believe it or not, I again feel cautiously optimistic. Keeping busy as I job search is the key.

 

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