I had a deep session with my therapist yesterday. I’m embarking on work that I’ve never done before, hard work that brings up very painful memories. But it’s the way to deal with my rage and become a more balanced and whole person. We’re delving into trauma now, and not the recent stuff.
Earlier in the day I got a call from a UK telephone number. When I answered it I could not hear anything. They called two more times and I began to worry that perhaps it was my stepdaughters but they NEVER call, they FaceTime. So I dialed my husband to ask if everything was okay with the girls. He said it was, in fact he was Facetiming with his youngest at the moment. But get this — he says he’s going to sue his attorney for malpractice.
My first instinct was to say, “Don’t do that.” And he said, “Why? I have proof in an email that he acted irresponsibly…” blah blah blah. I eventually said, “I don’t care. Do whatever you want to do.”
It fills me with shame that instead of trying to find work he is going to try to make his work suing people. All I want is to get away from it. And he has no idea how it makes him look. It just goes hand in hand with how he feels the whole world is against him. I feel so sorry for him. If he doesn’t find another woman to live off, I don’t know what will become of him.
And this is a man who writes poetry, composes music, discuss history, debate politics, but he can’t actually earn money.
Sometime in the days coming up to the trial that never was he said something to me that I’ve been thinking of since. He said, “If only you hadn’t wanted to fight about money. I can’t stand to fight about money. I’d fight about women, or my family, anything, just not money.” I just stared at him.
In other words, if I hadn’t fought with him about money we’d still be together.
It’s a bit like asking an abuser not to fight about abuse, isn’t it?
He was never able to contribute to our life. He’d go on benefits. He’d borrow money from his family. He’d earn a couple hundred here or there for some computer work. So, yes, as I watched everything I own go up in smoke, and when for the very first time in my life I wondered how to pay rent, I did argue with him about money. Shame on me.
I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to remove him from my life. I’ll remove him and then I’ll recover. And somehow I’ll find a truer, more authentic life for myself. One that suits the person I really am, not the person I tried to be for other people.
Up until about 50 I still thought life was long and everything could be made up for. Now I know that’s not the case. All I can do is make the best of the time I’ve got. I want to rise to this occasion and be the powerful person I know I am inside.