I wrote a long post last night about my father, grandmother, mom, and religion. It was so heavy and at times morbid, that I could not publish it. I don’t want to cause anyone reading this shit to become that depressed.
I’ll just say that during this last week I’ve felt like I’m a walking open wound. So vulnerable, exposed, and hurting.
I texted my husband to ask if he’d heard from his attorney and he called me up. He was extremely irate calling him a “hick, geriatric, idiot” etc. He’s already yelled at his attorney and I said, “You should consider not doing that until you have your hands on the money.” But he said, “Why, I’m going to tell him I’m going to sue him. I’m going to report him!”
I said, “Look, do what you need to do and then I hope you will let it go and move on with your life. I can’t talk about this anymore because you’re making me very tense.”
He said, “Okay, sorry.” And we hung up.
Then I wandered the aisles of St. Vinnie’s in an utter daze. He’s going to give himself a heart attack.
On my way out I bought two candy bars and ate them quickly in the car. There’s no doubt whatsoever that I use sugar as an alcoholic uses wine. I was medicating myself with sugar.
Eventually I came home and had some yogurt.
I’m trying to be kinder to myself and not beat myself up too much. I’m trying to get in touch with why I eat so badly at times. The person I want to be doesn’t eat that way.
My swims have been hard and good at the same time. I make myself stay in for the full 60 minutes whenever possible. Sometimes a bit more. Even though I’m still quite big, and a good 40 lbs. over weight, I am fairly firm. I definitely have stamina.
I’m trying to be conscience of making myself stand and sit straight. It’s so easy to slouch, my mother does it terribly. I’m going to fight it because I feel it really ages a person.
I feel I am approaching a crossroads where I find peace with my eating. Having control over this aspect of my life will go far to making me feel like a normal human being.
I’m very sorry to say it, but overweight people are looked at as people who over eat. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s extremely rare for that not to be true. We do over eat or have unbelievably slow metabolisms. People who over eat are looked at as people who have no self discipline. It’s often a sign that there are other issues going on. Especially when you’re 40+ pounds over weight.
Call me shallow, but I don’t want to be with a morbidly obese man and I don’t want the sort of man who would like me when I’m morbidly obese. I want to be active. I want to move.
I’m waiting to hear back from a pottery in the UK about the thing I want to sell online. Then, when I get this money I’ll probably buy some and while they’re being manufactured I’ll have a simple website made. I won’t ask my husband to do it even though I want to because I’m cheap and he’d do it for me for next to nothing. I have to make that break.
Much of what I’m feeling these last ten days or so since our day in court is disgust and anger over what my husband did to me mixed with regret that I made the decision to be with him.
Even though I’m feeling melancholy I still feel optimistic that I will come through the other side. I’m still in a mourning period, that’s all.