Daily Archives: October 18, 2014

So I Guess I Bought A Power Suit

I’m so incredibly grateful to the people who read my blog, whether all the time or just occasionally. I’m very honored to have your concern and support. This blog and the people who read it, along with the pool, and Chump Lady website, were my salvation this year.

I spent about three hours in Macy’s today just walking in circles. Trying things on. Changing my mind. Becoming exhausted. I ended up finding their suit department. I didn’t know it existed because I never needed one before. I bought a royal blue blazer, a black pleated knee length skirt, and a sort of lacy white blouse to soften the look. Took me three hours to do that. And $150.

Funny enough, I have had about that much in eBay sales in the last few weeks so yay.

Some good news is that not one of the pieces of clothing came from the “Women’s” department. I ventured into parts of Macy’s that I only looked at from afar all these years. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wear 90% of what the rest of the store offers. The stuff I bought today was size 16 and snug. But the 18s looked wrong. So I decided to eat light in hopes they’ll fit better in a couple of days.

I got so discouraged at one point, with my indecision, and the horrible lighting in the dressing room (why does my hair look green there?) that I thought of the phrase, “Trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” And yeah, I felt like a sow’s ear.

Nevertheless I bought the suit that I hope will help me get the job and I hope I can soon buy ten of everything so that they all mix and match and I don’t have to shop like that any more. I mean it’s fun to buy a purse or shoes, but clothing, not so much — to me it’s more of a chore. (It would probably not be a chore if I were a size ten).

I can see how trying on nice clothing might really help me lose some more weight. God knows I need to. Just because I feel good and have a lot of energy, doesn’t mean I’m skinny. Far from it. I haven’t weighed in a couple of months, but I’ll bet I’m at 205 or so.

In the coming weeks I’ll begin to weigh again. And I’ll take pains to bring a healthy lunch most days. And I’ll walk and walk and walk that mall whenever they’ll let me out of the office. Sitting, we all know by now, is terrible for our health.

I feel a bit like a fraud in those nice clothes, but I figure I can get used to it if given the opportunity. But I read somewhere that you should dress for the job you want, so I decided I would always take pains to look my best.

I hope to get up tomorrow, shower, and go to church. I’ve been saying it for weeks, but I think tomorrow’s the day. I’m facing all these changes, why not see how it feels to be there? We’ll see. The service I like is at 11 or 11:30 so it’s not like I have to get up early for it. I hope I go.

Oh, and I went to my “Leave a Cheater” Meetup group online and announced that I would not be the organizer any longer. I asked if anyone wanted the position. If no one does I’ll just dissolve the group. It just wasn’t working with only three or four of us. But I guess I’m glad there aren’t that many suffering “chumps” in our community. And I’m glad I did it.

I’m worried about my husband but too annoyed by him to contact him. I have no idea what he’s up to, I pray he hasn’t murdered anyone and hasn’t taken off with all the money. In other words, the same old shit. I will say this, he is really fucking hating this town and the “hicks” in it. I know that if he has anyway to do so, he’ll get the fuck out of here. I hope so. I really do. Time for him to move on.

Time for me to move on. I don’t want him to occupy my brain any longer.

Took me long enough to get here, didn’t it?




Thank You, Pool

I cried at the pool today. With every stroke I was aware that my life is probably about to change. My routine is going to change, and going to the pool is the biggest part of my routine.

I sobbed at the end of the pool as silently as I could as I realized when I came there last year I weighed almost 270 pounds and I had chest pains and emotionally I was a wreck and still wanting my husband back.

I swam at least six days a week and I swam hard, for a fat person, that is. At night I was so sore for weeks and weeks I could hardly get out of my chair. I over did it so I was constantly sore. I didn’t care. Once I got in the water I was in there for 1.5 to 2 hours and often I wanted to go back. It was the only peace in my day. My only friend.

I have always found water to be so healing. I grew up around pools and the beach and have always loved the water. I couldn’t think of any other exercise I could do given the poor state of my body. Plus it’s a very solitary exercise. You can’t chat with anyone while you do it. You think and you count laps and you swim.

I sobbed there. I was angry there. I was raw there. But it was always there for me, waiting for me to come back.

I thank its even temperature. I thank it’s turquoise tiles and sparkling water. I thank its lifeguards and staff and the building that housed it all. If my community hadn’t made that pool available to me at such a reasonable cost, I don’t know what I would have done. I could not afford a private gym.

My community felt building and maintaining such a nice pool was a good investment for its citizens and I’d say they were right. That pool allowed me to lose 70 pounds and regain my health which in turn saves the community a ton of money in medical bills.

I don’t even have the job yet, I know I could be jumping the gun. But it’s a feeling I have that I am about to transition to a new phase of my life so I am mourning the one I got used to as I go kicking and screaming into the one I don’t yet know.

That is my way. I get attached to things and routines. But I finally know that I am capable of getting through it and know that in time I’ll feel comfortable in my new settings.

I hope I’m not saying goodbye to my pool. I hope I find a way to swim a few times a week. I’d hate today to be my last swim.