I cried at the pool today. With every stroke I was aware that my life is probably about to change. My routine is going to change, and going to the pool is the biggest part of my routine.
I sobbed at the end of the pool as silently as I could as I realized when I came there last year I weighed almost 270 pounds and I had chest pains and emotionally I was a wreck and still wanting my husband back.
I swam at least six days a week and I swam hard, for a fat person, that is. At night I was so sore for weeks and weeks I could hardly get out of my chair. I over did it so I was constantly sore. I didn’t care. Once I got in the water I was in there for 1.5 to 2 hours and often I wanted to go back. It was the only peace in my day. My only friend.
I have always found water to be so healing. I grew up around pools and the beach and have always loved the water. I couldn’t think of any other exercise I could do given the poor state of my body. Plus it’s a very solitary exercise. You can’t chat with anyone while you do it. You think and you count laps and you swim.
I sobbed there. I was angry there. I was raw there. But it was always there for me, waiting for me to come back.
I thank its even temperature. I thank it’s turquoise tiles and sparkling water. I thank its lifeguards and staff and the building that housed it all. If my community hadn’t made that pool available to me at such a reasonable cost, I don’t know what I would have done. I could not afford a private gym.
My community felt building and maintaining such a nice pool was a good investment for its citizens and I’d say they were right. That pool allowed me to lose 70 pounds and regain my health which in turn saves the community a ton of money in medical bills.
I don’t even have the job yet, I know I could be jumping the gun. But it’s a feeling I have that I am about to transition to a new phase of my life so I am mourning the one I got used to as I go kicking and screaming into the one I don’t yet know.
That is my way. I get attached to things and routines. But I finally know that I am capable of getting through it and know that in time I’ll feel comfortable in my new settings.
I hope I’m not saying goodbye to my pool. I hope I find a way to swim a few times a week. I’d hate today to be my last swim.