Daily Archives: October 19, 2014

Bras. Fat. Fashion Fail. Nerves.

Sadly I had to go to the mall again on Sunday because believe it or not I only have one bra that fits and it’s gray so it doesn’t look good under white clothing. I had two bras, but I think I accidentally gave one away with some charity donations. Pathetic. Yes, I used to have more bras, but then I lost weight and they were no good any more.

So I bought a new bra and some undies and then I ventured back into Macy’s and I have to say this, CLOTHING IS REALLY UGLY RIGHT NOW. That’s pretty much always true in the big sizes, but I think much of the clothing in the rest of the store is hideous too.

I’m the kind of person who wears blacks, grays, white, and some browns and off whites. If I want color I add it with a sweater or a scarf. That way almost everything I have goes together and I have a sort of uniform. I don’t like busy prints and I hate the current trend of stretchy blouses made out of cheap manmade material. They’re awful!

So I saw myself in mirrors again today and, well, it’s pretty fucking awful. I often think that because I feel good and I swim, I can’t look THAT bad, but then I look in the mirror and cringe. I do look THAT bad, but I used to look even worse. I’m really ashamed. I need to get more weight off. Looking at myself in department store mirrors is impacting the little bit of self esteem I have.

You know why there are asymmetrical blouses with lace going down the front and buttons on the sleeves and a crazy pattern that looks like paint blobs? It’s because THEY want you to have to buy more more more. God forbid you buy one really well made white blouse that is classic and not trendy. They’d go out of business if we were all practical. So they invent this horrible shit. I can’t actually believe someone purposefully DESIGNED it. Nor can I believe anyone buys it!

Even walking by J. Jill, which I used to sort of like, seems weird and shapeless. I think Fall 2014 is a fashion fail.

It doesn’t help that I don’t really like to wear seasonal colors and I don’t like purple and so much of what’s out there is Fall colors and purple.




Why would I want my office shirt to sparkle like that? OMG.

I still hope I don’t get this job. I mean that. I mean, malls are now open pretty much 363 days a year. So even though this job is advertised as M-F, 8a-5p, the nature of it, having to do with special events at the mall, means that if I get the job, I’ll be there A LOT, probably including Thanksgiving Day, etc. How can I help market an industry I think is greedy? Shit.

Making store employees work for minimum wage on major holidays just so YOU can get more rich? That’s rot in hell type behavior as far as I’m concerned.

I wish I hadn’t applied for it.

Then last night I again looked at Craigslist for one bedroom apartments and the ones in safe areas that won’t smell like a wet dog will cost at least $775/mo. Those are Portland prices! Why’s it so expensive here? (University. And greed.)

And then I thought to myself, if I were half of a couple, the rent would be easy and we’d get a two bedroom BUT I’M NOT PART OF A COUPLE AND MAYBE I NEVER WILL BE AGAIN. So a huge amount of my paycheck will be spent on rent and there’s nothing I can do about that.



I have to remember that this is how I behave when I’m nervous. I’ll perform at the interview and if they offer me the job I’ll take it and do my best. Deep down I do know that I am an asset to any company and ultimately they won’t be sorry if they hire me.

And if I don’t get the job I won’t be upset!

I’ve sold five things on eBay this weekend! If I weren’t selling stuff on eBay right now I would not be able to buy my interview clothes, etc. I could enjoy making a living this way. And I had such fun buying the stuff!

Perhaps I can get a two bedroom so that I can run my own business from the 2nd bedroom. It’s not that much more expensive for a two bedroom.

I’m going to exhaust myself aren’t I?

But for now I will stay with my parents. If I do get hired I probably won’t move out of here until after the first of the year simply because I won’t have time!

Sorry for so much rambling. It’s just me, still kicking and screaming into my future.