Emotional Setback. Financial Worries.

This is a rough time of year for me. Seeing the daylight go and the rain come. I feel like I’m fighting a cold and I’m so tired.

I went to the post office yesterday morning to mail another package then I went to the kids center. I was there until 5 p.m. and then went to my storage to grab anything I could to put on eBay to sell. The backseat of my car is full now, but there’s plenty more to go through. I’ll go back again in a couple of days.

It has finally sunk in that I will not even be getting the smallest amount of money for months or years, or perhaps never. I’m incredibly depressed because I really believed in my little business idea, and feel I could have launched it for under $1,500.

I’m so broke. I spent eBay money on the damned power suit and and I’ve got a quarter of a tank of gas and not a penny to my name now. I’ll spend all day today getting stuff on eBay. I’m trying not to let my parents know how broke I am. I stopped at the market on the way home tonight to buy stuff for dinner. I held my breath as I used my debit card. Thankfully it worked. I’m afraid to look at the balance.

I predict a trip to the pawn shop in the coming days. And I only have a couple of things left to sell. All my silver jewelry is gone, but that brought only pennies. I tried to hang on to the little bit of gold jewelry I have, but it’s going next. (I got $50 for my thin 18K wedding band a few months ago.)

I spoke to my daughter and told her how sorry I was that I promised her $1,000 by Christmas and now have no idea when it will ever come. She understands. But I feel awful about it. She’s probably used to being disappointed by me. I love her so much. At 38 she works full time and is in school full time — I’m so proud of her.

I’m going to sell everything I possibly can so that I can help my parents with Christmas expenses, especially all the food buying, and also to be able to give my daughter a couple of hundred, if I can. I won’t buy anything unnecessary in the next two months.

I told my parents I didn’t get the job so the lying is done now. Fuck I really hate lying. You may think I’m insane for not taking a job when I need money so badly, but with my emotional issues I can’t take a job that I don’t think I can do. Of course they hadn’t offered it to me, but I think they might have.

The two jobs my supervisors told me about sound daunting and I do not feel at all qualified. I don’t know what to do now. I feel a deep depression setting in. I wish so badly I could have started my business. I haven’t worked a paying job for so long, and I’ve been so emotionally unstable and suddenly I feel really incompetent. I hate when I convince myself I can do something and then hate it even more when I realize I was only fooling myself. This is part of my fuckedupness, I don’t know who I am.

Right now, due to the money and job situation I’m having an emotional setback. When I have a setback I feel raw and sad as though my husband just left me last week and not last year. It’s part of dealing with the betrayal, I guess. That wound does get opened sometimes.

I wish I had my hands on that $17,000. At this point I have to let it go. I’m putting blinders on — I’m going to sell really hard on eBay even if I have to take everything shippable out of my fucking storage. All that crap can be purchased again.

I sold two more things on eBay last night so I have to wrap those up and get to the post office again. Sometimes the profit I make on these things is extremely minimal. I’m learning what to sell and how to price as I go along and it’s a big learning curve.


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