Insecurity & Fear Overwhelm Me

It’s Thursday and I haven’t been swimming since Saturday. I’m a bit under the weather and my back hurts really bad — probably from so much time on the computer lately putting things on eBay. I should swim but I don’t know if I will. Head hurts, ear hurts, runny nose, and I’m spending a lot of time in the bathroom this morning. We’ll see. I can’t afford to buy my monthly pass, but I do have three days of passes I can use for now. Until some sales go through on eBay.

I missed the staff meeting at the kids center yesterday because I just simply forgot about it. They emailed me later to tell me I was volunteer of the month.

I put about ten items on eBay yesterday and have at least another ten to put up today. Yesterday was entirely spent on washing the items and photographing them. Then the tedious part of editing the photos on Photoshop and lastly, putting them up on eBay. It’s not quick!

But I’m glad to have new products up there, even things I had bought to keep. It’s all going, well, almost all. I’m keeping my Cornishware, my copper mixing bowls, a few other things, at least for now. Everything else gets a price tag on it. Tomorrow I’ll probably head back to storage to dig deeper for more things to sell. There’s a ton there. My dad emptied three shelves in the garage so I can put the items there as they wait to be sold. Perhaps it is turning into a real business now.

I’m feeling really incapable, not sure why. The “scare” of almost getting a job has sobered me right up. The honest truth is I do not think I have the stamina to work 8a-5p Monday through Friday. So I’m feeling pretty resentful that my husband has deserted me at this age after using up all my money. I haven’t worked full time in about 15 years.

He called yesterday and was seeming to want to put my mind at ease that even though the case is up in the air again, he will honor his agreement with me to give me half his settlement. He asked if I wanted to start the divorce proceedings and we can make mention of it in that paperwork.

I told him I’m fine with starting divorce proceedings, I just don’t have the filing fees right now. I said if he wants to pick the papers up, I’ll sign.

It was weird finally talking about the impending divorce. I knew it was coming, I just haven’t wanted to deal with it. It’s my fucking ego that’s smarting knowing he just doesn’t want me. I can’t seem to handle that.

I’m supposed to know that I am better off without him.

But I still want him. I know that sounds horrible after what he’s put me through and sad that I keep coming back to that. I hate it. I hate that I don’t love myself more to know I deserve better, or am better off alone. Where is my dignity? When I say I want him it goes hand in hand with wishing he had never cheated on me since that’s my deal breaker. So no matter how much I long for him, I will never try to go back with him.

I think the job thing sobered me up and brought me back to my most insecure place. It’ll take a little time for me to go back to being indignant again. Right now I’m just afraid, which is a familiar place for me. I often fool myself with false confidence and then watch as it quickly dissipates and leaves me shaking with fear.

I’m afraid that I can’t emotionally or physically handle working full time or living on my own. I feel like an idiot that I’m so weak and incapable.

I’m so disappointed in myself for feeling incredibly hurt that this man who seemed so dependent on me and in love with me is just fine having me be here way in the background. He does the calling and contacting. It’s all on his schedule and whim.

He told me I should have talked to him about that job. He said he would have talked me into going to the 2nd interview. I said, “I’m 57. How many years do I have to save for my retirement? I wanted my own business. Something I could do into my 70s if possible. I really wanted to start my own business.”

He said it’s possible that this money will still be coming in the near future. I told him I have had to let that idea go. Until it’s in my hands, it doesn’t exist and never will.

I’m amazed at his perseverance with that money and I told him I admired him for continuing to fight for it. I would have given up by now. I don’t know how he’s living. I suppose I have to acknowledge that he is probably living off the other woman now. If I had the money I would get the rest of my furniture out of his apartment.

What a setback for me. To feel like I’m starting my grieving and mourning all over again. To wondering what’s wrong with me that I could still want him. Why did he have to go and do something unforgivable? And why can’t I move on?

I think it’s funny, too, that he calls himself 46. He told me his birth certificate from his birth country was mistranslated and now it’s on paper that he’s 46 instead of 48. He looks older than 48, to be honest, due to years of smoking and his gray hair. But it cracks me up that he insists on calling himself 46 when he knows I know how old he is. He is really hung up on age, which is weird since he claimed to want an older woman. And I can assure you that it was not “mistranslated.” I’m certain his mother shaved those years off because she wanted to shave those years off her own age as well.

He said he loved me being an older woman and he loved me being fat. I imagine he was lying about both those things. I’m just a sucker — a chump.

I really, really wish I could have seen my therapist this week. I feel the depression of winter coming on. I feel I should not even publish anything here because it’s just too down. Plus it shows I’m having a setback instead of moving on bravely with my life. I’m not brave. Not even a little.

You know, I wish that if I were going to be this depressed that the lack of appetite would come back. At least losing some more weight would be a side benefit, but no, the appetite is more than fine. The more weight I gain, the more I know I won’t ever put myself out there to try to meet anyone new. I’m far too insecure. My heart is breaking that my heart won’t love again.

I’m writing my own future. Fat and living with my mother.

I’m really sorry that I can’t be brave and strong and moving into my future with confidence. I’m afraid. And fear has always been a constant in my life.




6 responses to “Insecurity & Fear Overwhelm Me

  1. Sorry you’re going through a set back. Hopefully it’s short-lived. It’s too bad your husband isn’t that great guy you wish he was, that you deserve. Maybe just keep reminding yourself what a jerk he is… Keeping things in perspective, you’re doing great. This is just a little set back.

    • You are 1000% right, Cynthia. He’s utterly undeserving. I do have to remind myself that he was a monster to me. And I do think this setback will not last that long. You know how depression is — it creeps up on us! xox

  2. ML… I am sorry you have been put in this situation! Gosh it truly does suck and hurts so bad and makes life so confusing! I have been having the hardest time lately…the last several months I laid down in the bed and just really haven’t got up I can’t snap out of it?

    I did manage to finally file for divorce ( which I would have did sooner had he not messed our finances up so bad with his affair) but that is done so now just waiting for it to be over and I’m scared to death…he is all I have ever known and he took good care of me and I became so dependent on him I don’t know how I will do it without him but I know I have to I have no other choice.

    And with as physically sick and depressed as this has made me I am scared that I won’t even be able to work a full time job but I am hoping once this is over I will get to feeling better!

    Hope you are doing better and much love to you!

    • SoMuchHurt, sorry to hear how you, too, are struggling. Sometimes I am glad that I have no where to go except here at my parents. If I were living alone I might not get out of bed. If there’s one thing you and I take out of this it will be how to be independent and never give that up again. That’s one of my goals, anyway.

      Having messed up finances due to cheaters is super common, from what I see on CL website. It just comes with the territory, unfortunately. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks very much for visiting my blog.

  3. Thanks for blogging! I always see your post on CL and they are so helpful to me! I’m pretty sure if it hadn’t been for that sight I might not have had the courage to file for divorce even tho that’s is what I want it’s still scary!

    I did work through out most of marriage to have my own spending money and help out with the kids wants but he took care of everything. I should be able to find work with my work history but I just hope I find something that will pay enough to pay the bills. I have ask for spousal support and I am hoping and praying that will get me thru for a while and at least till I get a job!

    Thanks for responding back it’s been a rough weekend! I hope you have a good week!

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