Don’t Give Up

Got up today, packed up the two things I needed to ship. Got my suit on with clothes on top went out and my car would not start. I used mom’s car to mail my packages and then came home and dad was able to jump it which was a relief that it wasn’t the starter.

I then took it to Les Schwab to have them check the battery. They charged it most of the day and then called to say it wasn’t holding the charge. So I had them replace it. I’m not happy I spent $125 on that today, but I’m at least glad my eBay sales allowed me to pay for it without borrowing from my parents.

So I did not swim and I did not go to the kids center as I had planned and will hopefully do so tomorrow.

I’m trying to get much more particular about what I buy for my site. I still have quite a bit of shit on there that I won’t bother to put back up if it doesn’t sell. I just wanted to get rid of it or get my money back. There are things on there I don’t want to sell, and those will definitely sell. That’s just how it works.

I also have a small stack of things I need to donate back to the charity shop because they were dumb buys. It’s all part of my learning curve.

I’ve got to get more information about how to save money on postage. It’s killing me.

I am having fun on Twitter and already have 40+ followers which is cool. I’ve had many Twitter accounts in the past but this one feels different. I like it. I try to only post my stuff for sale once or twice a day. The rest of the time I’m interacting or re-tweeting, trying to form relationships. No one would follow me if all I did was throw my eBay shit at them.

I hope I get more sales soon. I will not have that extra money I had hoped for at this rate.

I guess I’m glad I applied for that job and came close to getting it. It made me realize how ill prepared I am to work, especially full time. I’d really love to have what I’m doing turn into a real business. Other people have done it. I imagine it’s not easy doing it with used stuff because half your time is spent on the prowl for stuff. But that’s the most enjoyable part for me, the hunt. And at least while I’m doing that I’m mobile and I’m out of the house.

Now that I’m getting pickier I’m spending much more time at each individual store. I spent an hour and a half this evening in St. Vinnies! But it was fun, and it was the only time I got out of the house today other than dealing with the car.

I can’t stop eating. And you know what? I’m having to eat my words. Months ago I wrote that people who are fat want to be fat, and I was wrong. I thought I was in control of my weight loss because I put a lot of effort into it. But after about six months my body said, enough. And now I’m hungry all the time. I knew it would be a challenge to keep the weight off, but I’m shocked at how hard it is.

I said no to so many foods. During the holidays last year I lost weight and ate only two pieces of fudge — the only sweets I ate all season! I’m trying not to panic, but I feel there’s almost nothing I can do about it. I have no control whatsoever.

I liked feeling hungry back then. Now I only strive to be full. The bottom line is, if I gain more weight I know I will always be alone. For the rest of my life. I will not have the confidence I would need to find someone I like. That’s a pretty serious issue. It’s as important as losing weight for my health. If I gain it all back I’ll hate myself. When I hate myself I begin to rehash the end of my marriage and how my slimy fucking Persian husband is across town fucking college girls. Asshole.

SHIT.

That turned ugly fast, didn’t it?

It hurts so badly. I still remember every detail of his body. I still miss it so much. I remember when he told me he was with another woman and I sat dumbfounded thinking, “But that’s my dick. It belongs to me.” I could cry right now thinking about it. And I still don’t know what I did for him to decide cheating on me was the answer. And even after a year of getting strong, being more calm, and stopping the suicide attempts and looking much, much better, he doesn’t want me back. I’m not making good progress. Not at all.

I said I was losing the weight and getting fit for me, but I wasn’t. I was doing it to show him and possibly get him back. If I gain it all back then I shudder to think what I’ll do. This is serious.

That’s just the roller coaster I’m on. And I’m dreading the holidays because my mom simply ruins them. She can’t stop planning. And dad and I know she’ll go too far, she’ll plan too much, she’ll exhaust herself, she’ll get sick, and I’ll end up trying to do it all.

And all that food.

She hardly eats anything these days because she has stomach issues. She can’t plan anything until after 11 every morning because she has diarrhea every single day!

I will get to the pool tomorrow. Even if I only swim 30 minutes. I will go. Then to the kids center for the entire afternoon. The longer I go without doing those things, the harder it is to go.

It’s funny. When I’m full I can think about using self control and allowing myself to feel and enjoy being empty and hungry. But the minute I actually am hungry, I forget all that. I knew the odds of me keeping the weight off were horrendous. I had read all about it. I just thought I could keep on eating that way, I truly did.

If I can find a way to deal with my hunger/anxiety now, then I really will have accomplished something. I just can’t give up. I CAN’T.

I will swim tomorrow.

I can’t give up.