Fifty Seven And So Naive

I’m trying so hard to just function and not think too much, but it’s nearly impossible. My eBay sales have all but stopped so I am feverishly taking photographs and writing descriptions and putting them on eBay hoping to get some sales going again. I literally don’t have a penny right now.

About $50 will be made available through Paypal in the next day or two, thank goodness.

Here I sit, trying to sell my own worldly goods and it’s very hard to keep imagining his family meeting his woman, Heather, and welcoming her into their home. They hated me from day one. They hated that I was older than him and bigger than him. They were horrendous to me.

The girls were fine to me, but their loyalty, always is to their dad, and I expect it to be that way. But it does break my heart that I’m sure Heather came bearing gifts for her boyfriend’s two daughters and family. Iranians are huge on bringing gifts when they visit. I maxed out credit cards buying stuff for his mom, sister, dad, and kids. I actually thought it might help them like me. They expect it, yet they don’t care about it. Mom promptly gave the jacket I bought her at Nordstrom to her daughter. It was just stuff to them.

These people never engaged me in conversation or asked me about myself or my family. The mom resented me because she was only 12 years older than me. Dad detested me just because I was alive. He is a hateful person and highly paranoid. He thinks in-laws come into the family hoping to take over their vast fortunes. Only he had no fortune. And twice we moved everything to London to take him up on business opportunities and twice he yanked them back almost immediately. I barely said four words to him in the 8 years I knew him, yet when I went to visit him before we left London for the last time to verify that he had no place for us, he accused me of being a “powerful American thinking you can get your way.”

I stared at him dumbfounded. I have the entire conversation recorded. It’s spine chilling.

But Heather will charm them because she’s young, classy, and must have money. That’s all these Iranians care about: MONEY. Pretension is everything to them.

So, I’m feeling quite ill. Nauseous. Ugly and old. I’m wondering how a seemingly nice looking young woman can just walk into another woman’s life and take it over. And I’m wondering how a man can find someone new and just turn his back on the one he used for eight years. I can’t take this all in. At the same time she can have them — they are horrible people.

I simply could not kiss up to them the way my STBX said I should. I mean the very first day I met his mom, she told me how he had squandered away the girl’s inheritance. And I thought my god why is she telling me this. He says that’s how Iranian women bond, by talking bad about people. I have to say I hope it’s only THIS Iranian woman.

It was clear to me from the Messages interaction we had the other day that he’s baiting me and trying to make me look unreasonable and crazy, but even if I were unreasonable and crazy, he still can’t take advantage of me. Being unreasonable or crazy does not mean he gets to use up my assets and not give me any of his. Sorry, guy, that’s not how it works.

I’m going to make an appointment to see that attorney I spoke to a month or so ago. He came highly recommended and has a good reputation. I’m going to tell him of the new developments and see what he suggests I do. I imagine he may say just wait until my STBX (soon to be ex, I don’t want to call him “my husband” any longer) comes back to the states because until he’s here, there’s no point in doing anything. But when X does come back, I want to hit him with divorce papers claiming ownership of half of his lawsuit.

My husband duped me on so many levels. At the same time my own naivety is shocking. Because he was behaving as though he had no one, I enjoyed believing he had no one and my ego was spared, slightly. Only at rare times would I admit it to myself just because of the reason that he virtually never contacted me at night or on the weekend. But even then I denied it because I simply couldn’t conceive of it. I was that naive.

So I’m dealing with the shock that I wished I had endured a year ago, so that I could be a year on in dealing with it. I knew it was just wishful thinking that he’d get out of town before I knew who she was.

For a person who already struggles with self esteem, mine is now underground. Between my age and my weight I feel like a non person. I would sob my heart out right now if my parents weren’t home. After a year of pain, why do I need to endure more pain?

I’ll get back to posting my life for sale on eBay. While knowing that Heather and X and the girls are walking around Portobello road or eating at our favorite restaurants. Hopefully she has more assets than I had, or she’ll meet the same fate.

I’d go become a nun right now if anyone would take me, but I’m too old even for that.

And yes, of course the old thoughts of suicide are right here beside me, but you know what? I’d never give him that gift. Even though I can’t believe it now, this too shall pass.





2 responses to “Fifty Seven And So Naive

  1. Hang in there, ML. All of the crap they put you through, all of the horrible things they made you feel about yourself, all of the hell you are currently going through will only make you stronger, and your victory sweeter, in the long run. I get the feeling you know on some level how awesome you are. Hang onto that.

  2. Thanks, NTFBF. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me.

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