Having a really difficult time knowing STBX is having a good time in London. Introducing Heather to his daughters, his mother, father, sister. Taking her to Lavosh, our favorite Iranian restaurant, and so many other places. I hate knowing that my step daughters are probably loving her and how young she is. I’m forlorn.

Suddenly everything I loved about London feels robbed from me. I was at the grocery store tonight looking at the yogurt and I saw the Mueller brand and actually felt faint. It reminded me of shopping in Tesco. Of course I bought ALL our groceries. But I really did love London.

I would like to know where he got the money to go. Did his mom give him some? Did he get an inheritance? Did his girlfriend pay for it all? I’m pretty sure he got no money from the case yet. He is REALLY snippy at me in his emails now.

That night a year ago in October when he told me to get out or he would, and he said, “Don’t do anything stupid” as he walked out the door — he really did hope I’d succeed at dying because then he would not have to deal with me the way he’s having to deal with me now.

I called the attorney I had spoken to a couple of months ago and am waiting for him to call me back. He’ll be amazed when I tell him how the trial went.

When I came into the house tonight one of the first things my dad said to me is, “We need you to sell those sculptures for us.” I said, “Even if I can only get a few hundred each?” And my mom, who just doesn’t listen to me said, “Oh, I don’t know…” — I had already done the research for them and could not get anywhere near what she was hoping. But I had already taken the photos so I wrote descriptions for them and put them on eBay. Not sure what to expect.

But now I’m so worried that they are having financial problems — obviously they are. And just when I thought my eBay store would take off, it just dried up. I shipped one thing today, first time in a week or so. $25 in my pocket in a week.

I cannot live here and feel like a financial burden. I can handle a lot of things, including this pain of betrayal from my husband’s actions. But knowing my parents are struggling financially and being unable to do anything about it is just too much for me to bear.

My mom, as you know is a piece of work. I’ve been helping her for three days on a photo book you design online for my one year old nephew. The damned sight wasn’t very user friendly, and I was struggling because I’m used to a Mac, not a PC. But I was being patient and she kept getting weirder and weirder. Repeating herself. So I stood there and said the same thing to her over and over again. I was getting exasperated! I said, “Mom, no. blah blah blah.” And then she did her thing, “I’m stupid. What can I tell you. I’m just stupid.”

I looked at her and said, “You’re not the only person in this house who is struggling. I’m barely hanging on to my sanity! I never said or implied you were stupid!” And I went to my stupid room and shut the door and cried.

She is stupid. I should have just said, “Yes, you are behaving stupidly. Perhaps you’re too tired to do this tonight.”

If I had spoken that way to my daughter and knew I had upset her, I’d walk to her room and apologize and hug her. But my mom never came. She’s very petty, small, and holds grudges. But that’s okay. At least I know this is one way that I’m not like her.

Then I hear her and my dad measuring this lithograph they have in the front room and my dad’s doing research on his iPad about its value, and he doesn’t know how to do that, he’s just not experienced enough at it. You can find something “selling” for huge amounts of money online, but that does not mean you’ll get that. I’ve spent the entire night working on stuff for them — they have no idea the work involved to make something look good and professional on eBay.

I’m wondering what the fuck happened to their finances. My mom works on call and hasn’t had any business for several weeks, so I guess that’s it. And here come the holidays and my mom can’t control herself even though we all beg her to.

I just wish some of my stuff would sell online so that I could hand it to them and say, “Here.” I think my problem is not that many people want used stuff, at least not low to mid priced used stuff. They want new stuff and things that are more rare.

I don’t know what else to do. And here I cancelled that 2nd interview and I probably would have gotten the job. FUCK. I’m sorry about how that makes me look, but honest to god, had I taken the job and then got this news about STBX and Heather in London, I would not have held up well.

I’m taking too many ativan and I don’t like that. I’m seeing my MD tomorrow about my ear, head, sinus shit. I go to the kids center in the p.m. so that’s good for me to be out of the house for a while and be distracted.

I’m thinking I may need to go to the local recreation center and get a workout there instead of swimming. I think it’s just too hard on my head. I’ve had a hurting ear and dripping nose literally for over six months. I need to dry out! Sadly then I have to face that I have crappy knees!

I really wish I could get away, even for a day. I’d love to visit my daughter but between school and work she does not have a day off. Not sure how to squeeze into her schedule.

Sleeping is becoming hard again, especially since I can’t enjoy my beloved British history documentaries that I usually watch to fall asleep. Everything is triggering me.


2 responses to “Stress

  1. ML…I’m so sorry you have had a set back. You seemed to be doing good for a while. I hope your lawyer gets back to you soon and you get some things going and issues resolved. I truly understand the hurt of seeing the other woman. My STBXH had his affair with someone who was supposed to be my friend and neighbor and sometimes I think it would have been easier to deal with if the affair hadn’t been with someone I knew? I have constant pictures and visions of the two of them in my head! I pray for the day I am rid of him, it has been toooo long already! Keep your head up and you have been in my thoughts!

    • Thanks, SMH, I appreciate your support. I truly can’t imagine KNOWING the other woman like you did — I guess I should be grateful that’s not the case for me! I know what you mean about the pictures in your head — they are awful, truly awful. Sometimes I find myself actually shaking my head as though I can shake the thought from it. I pray for the day when you and I both have our X’s behind us. It can’t come too soon for me. Thanks very much for charing. xox

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