Resigned To My Reality

I’m still in a daze but not quite as badly as a few days ago. If I stop to think about what I know my stomach flips over and I desperately try to shove the thoughts away. Sometimes I am still stopped in my tracks. I cried in the car yesterday.

If I think of my future I panic, so I’m trying not to think about my future.

I’ve started reading the want ads again. If any money will ever come from him, it’ll be months or years away. Oh, and guess what? They are back to advertising for the job at the mall. They would have hired me, I imagine, since they’ve got the ad back up they must not have had many candidates they thought would fit. I have mixed feelings about that still, but the idea of working in a mall environment just makes me shudder. Santa’s already there and it’s not even Thanksgiving yet. But should I be so picky about a job? If I’m honest, yes, because I’m still such a wreck. I’m frankly surprised that they didn’t have a whole slew of candidates for the job. Maybe because it was part marketing assistant and part administrative assistant they can’t get someone who wants to be split in half.

I did not go to church and don’t know why that is. Perhaps I know it’s not a good fit for me. But I think, besides maybe finding some peace there, it would be good for me socially. I am considering contacting the priest to see about meeting with him first. We’ll see.

I said I would start swimming yesterday but I didn’t. First, my ear and head still hurt so I think it’s still not a smart thing to do, but I could go to the recreation center and work out, and I don’t. I need to, for my sanity.

Again I’ve made some bad purchases and feel that is such a waste of money. I’m not sure how much profit I’m actually making when I make a few sales, but still buy things that never sell. I’m getting smarter, but there’s still room for a lot of improvement.

In the last year I pushed myself to do things to get on the road to recovery but now I seem incapable of continuing that. Well, except for seeing my therapist and going to volunteer. I went in yesterday to do case management just to get my mind off of him.

I really like my therapist. She really seems to care about me and be on my side. I can tell that she truly sees my pain and I’m so grateful for that.

I wrote to my husband last night to ask if he spoke to his new attorney (or potential attorney) as he said he would yesterday. I also asked him when he would be back. I’ve asked him several times but he never answers that. He responded that he’d be meeting with this attorney next week. So I guess that answers both questions.

But he’s a liar so take that for what it’s worth.

I’m sad that this lawyer didn’t return my call or email and now figure I need to try to find another attorney. Perhaps he thought my ability to pay was not worth the trouble or perhaps he just doesn’t want this case. Not sure what to do. I know he’s not the only attorney in town, but he was highly recommended by someone I trust and he has good reviews online. I’ve heard too many horror stories about inept attorneys to just take a chance with one.

Yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn’t take an ativan, thank goodness. I love them and they work, but I don’t want to get hooked on them.

As you can tell I’m in numb mode and I suppose that’s okay. I’m not actually numb, I’m feeling pain, but it’s more of a dull, constant pain. I’m still having difficulty concentrating on things and still feel a cloud over my head. But just to have partial relief from the acute pain is nice.

I am going to focus on finding an attorney, starting up any exercise, and selling on eBay. I am going to my storage unit to take out personal items rather than spend money on items to sell. I’ve got to take advantage of anyone who is buying for the holidays. I’ve also got to work out how to save money on shipping.

Sorry I’m so lackluster!



6 responses to “Resigned To My Reality

  1. Hi I just read your comment on CL. I thought you’d see mine back to you on your blog before you did on CL. Anyhow, I just wanted to say to you that I feel like I’m in the same boat as you. You mentioned that you feel envious sometimes, though not warranted, when the others on CL say how their cheaters tried ‘charming’ them back. Well, mine did not either. He just happily skipped down the yellow brick road with his 25 year old stripper (he was 50 at the time; now at 53, he has a protective order on stripper and is now with a 22 year old!!). Yes, doesn’t do much for my 53 year old self either. 😦

    • IHaveHate, boy do I have hate too. I think much of my depression is misplaced hate over god knows what and whom.

      I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same boat as me, but it feels better to know I”m not alone in the boat. It fucking sucks! I’ve got to find ways to get distracted and not ruined by it. Are you divorced now? Did you have kids together? I’ll go to CL to read more. Thanks for commenting.

  2. Hang in there, ML — and keep writing. You’re better than that dirtbag.

    Sorry, I wish I had something more profound and poetic to say. Long day. 🙂

  3. Well, I don’t have anything profound to say either. Just know there’s a few of us out here cheering you on and we have your back. I read a blog post yesterday that made me think of you:

    • That article is fascinating, Cynthia, thank you. Sometimes it helps for me to try to remember that I’m not the only disordered one in this relationship — even if he’ll never admit it. Thanks for your support, as always. xoxo

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