Making a List

When I saw my therapist on Thursday we made a mental list together for me to work on before I see her again.

The items to work on were:

1. Call an attorney to have a face to face consultation.
2. Go to church (because I said I wanted to, but haven’t gone).
3. Take two ten minute breaks a day to do calming breaths.
4. Start up any form of exercise.
5. Take steps to be social and make friends.
6. Get out my painting supplies and create.

So on Friday I did call another attorney and I have an appointment to see him next week. I guess this is the week I finally see how much my ring is worth and hope it comes close to what he’ll accept as a retainer. A down payment on a retainer — kind of pathetic.

Last night I spent a lot of time reading up on the Episcopal church, the only church I’ve been to in town. I chose it because I attended the Church of England when I lived in London for a short while, and I really liked it — the Episcopalian church is the little sister to the Church of England, and obviously the Queen of England isn’t the head of the church here. But I think what really draws me to the Anglican church is that I enjoyed going to mass (Catholic) with my grandmother as a kid, and there’s something soothing about the way they do things.

I watched videos, read articles, and basically just got myself in the mood. And today I got up, dressed nicely, and went to the 11 a.m. service.

Their 8 a.m. service is the most formal one, using “thee” and “thou” etc. The 9:30 a.m. one is lively, but it’s full of happy families so I’m not in the mood for that. I go to the 11 a.m. one simply because it’s too hard for me to get to anywhere by 8 a.m.

Because the more formal the better. It’s just what I like. My least favorite part of any service is where we greet our neighbors but last night in my research they explained it as this: when you’re about to take communion it is supposed to be with a community of people you know. If you don’t greet them first you’re taking communion with a bunch of strangers. Anyway this was one person’s take on it, and I’m paraphrasing like mad. Knowing that made it a bit easier to do the greeting thing. But it isn’t a time to chat and talk about the weather — it’s really just a “peace be with you” and a handshake and move on.

I struggle going from book to book to program to insert, but I don’t do too badly. I’m sure if I start to go regularly I’ll get better at that. I love the fact that for an hour we’re sitting, standing, kneeling, and sitting, standing, kneeling again. You can’t get sleepy or bored if you’re moving about that way.

When service was over I went to an alcove near the prayer candles and just sat for a few moments. Not sure you could say I prayed or not. Then by the time I got to the vicar at the door there was no line left. His father is a retired bishop and it was he who gave the sermon today. Nice guy. The vicar at this church is a young guy (thirties) and very kind. I told him I’d like to talk to him about possibly becoming a member and asked if I could have some office time. He gave me his card. I’ll call him this week before he starts getting too busy with Christmas events.

I can talk about church, but I’m not going to talk about God. That’s far too personal to me and I couldn’t describe my feelings about God anyway. I need the church. I need the peace there. I need to know someone loves me. I want to belong to a community.

This church is downtown so they do serve the homeless population quite a bit. They always need volunteers for that, so I want to volunteer. I think there will be many ways for me to be involved and to help. At least that’s what I hope.

Yesterday was one of my hardest days to get through. The severe depression has me almost constantly thinking that suicide is a viable option. I kept saying to myself, just hold on. Go to church tomorrow. See if that helps. Try stuff to see what helps. I have a history of suicide attempts, some of them quite serious, but if you’ve followed this blog for a little while you’ll know that I’m trying to ban the idea and word from my vocabulary. It’s not a viable option. It’s been over a year since I succumb to it for the last time.

But that doesn’t mean the idea of it doesn’t cross my mind, unfortunately.

If I start to recount the reasons I was exceptionally low yesterday, I’ll just make myself low again. Instead I’ll say that, for reasons I don’t understand, I simply felt peaceful when I left the church and drove to the charity shops to have a look around. It felt nice to be in a skirt and tights; it was a reminder that it is a special day. I was friendly to people. I didn’t mentally flip off other drivers. Peaceful.

Then I hit the grocery store and bought stuff to make my parents and I some chicken taquitos. Sometimes the craving for something fried hits me and that’s my go-to dish with tons of homemade guacamole.

I don’t know what it will take for me to be able to walk away from the pain and humiliation my husband bestowed on me, but I have to keep busy and keep trying. I’m a somber person, not a smiley, happy person, but when given a task I can do it.

Not sure what to do about swimming. My nose will not stop running. It’s been like that since last Spring, maybe before. I keep saying that I guess that means I need to pick up another form of exercise yet I don’t do it. I’m thinking of finding a place to take a zumba or similar class so that I can actually be doing something with other people. Killing two birds with one stone (exercise and social) so-to-speak.

So I’ll try to figure that out this week.

My eBay business has really dried up. Sad since I just bought that full spectrum lamp, but I can use it for painting, which I am going to do when I sign off here in a couple of minutes.

When I was my most depressed during my last marriage and on many pharmaceutical drugs, I took painting and drawing classes and created some things I’m really proud of. But when we divorced and I met my current soon to be ex, I just did not feel creative at all. It’s funny that now, on almost no medication, but feeling so much pain, I feel like creating. I’m sort of excited to see what I end up doing.

My husband is a really smart, charismatic man, but he’s deeply disturbed and unbelievably narcissistic. I am trying to realize that it’s a waste of my time and emotions to keep wondering why he could leave me when it should have been the other way around.

Someday, all that I’ve been through will make sense. Or it won’t.

Thanks to anyone for reading my ramblings. I will not say I’m turning a corner. I will just saw that hanging on was a little bit easier today. I am hoping it will be the same tomorrow.

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6 responses to “Making a List

  1. At work as par of reflecting on my practice (I’m a social worker with people with dementia) we had to set SMART http://topachievement.com/smart.html – specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely targets. Harder than it looks!

    Your list of targets looks good – I need lists to keep me on top of things – at work I have not yet done tasks in red and completed tasks in green – I keep them all week to make me able to look at what I have achieved in my week šŸ™‚ at home I write a list for my days off, of things to do.

    Sorry, I’m rambling. But I hope something in there helps a little! Xxx

  2. You’re not rambling, MLDW1, that sounds really helpful, actually. If we can’t feel somewhat organized it’s hard to ralize when we’ve made progress!

  3. I’ve read (on chump lady) that you enjoy swimming. Have you been doing that or would you like to try different exercises? Exercise has been my godsend-I definitely need the endorphin rush.

    I think the pending holidays make divorce an even harsher reality. This is the first holiday season since the divorce and even though I felt prepared I still find myself depressed and crying for no apparent reason.

    This journey isn’t fun at all but I have to believe it’s better than living with a narcissistic cheater. Hang in ML

    • Hi, Cheaterssuck, sadly I haven’t been to the pool in many weeks. I’ve been dealing with sinus issues brought on by too much swimming. I really, really need to find another exercise because I miss it and it did me so much good. What sort of exercise do you do?

      This is my second holiday season w/o my STBX and we had no kids together so I’m sort of “meh” about that, thank God. But holidays in general do make me feel lonely.

      I have to agree with your last paragraph 100%. These narcs are so destructive! How I wish he had never crossed my path.

      Thanks very much for commenting. You hang in there too.

  4. I love the elliptical and I love to hate the arc trainer. I always burn a ton of calories on both machines and work up a fantastic sweat. The treadmill bores me to tears so I refer to it as the ‘dreadmill’.

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