Wanting to Release it All to the Universe

I met with an attorney today for a free consultation. He was a friend of someone who works at the kids center where I volunteer, otherwise even the consultation would have cost me.

He was a nice guy and the bottom line is this: we have no assets to divide except this mythical case. There’s no point in selling the last of my jewelry to retain him or anyone else. I told him how my STBX and I discussed (just this a.m.) having an agreement notarized and submitting it as an exhibit in our dissolution of marriage paperwork with the court. He thought this is pretty much all I can do.

He said if his mom or friends are giving him money to live on that they’d be considered gifts and I could not touch them anyway. He said theoretically he could be asking me for support! Hah. Oh my god.

He said the agreement I had with my husband that his lawyer had been holding isn’t worth the paper it was written on because his lawyer is not my lawyer. He does not have my interests at heart. I knew that. I was just trying to have a little faith in my STBX since I could not afford to hire my own attorney.

He did look up that the current case is not closed and he did say that is odd, given that the court date was over a month ago. He can’t know anything other than that, but it was good to know it didn’t show it as closed and finalized.

He said something about deciding whether it’s time to move on with my life without him in it and that’s where my head is right now. It’s time.

I’ve written up a new contract and emailed it to my STBX. He and I will go back and forth about it a few times and then we’ll go to the courthouse and file it with our dissolution of marriage paperwork. When that happens I will do everything I can to release this issue to the universe.

I can’t depend on one penny of it coming to me. I must move on with my life. If I end up getting ten grand in a year, well, that’ll be great. Fifty grand? Even better.

I’m sort of enjoying my eBay business but it’s just not adding up to anything. Also I still buy stuff that doesn’t sell far too often. Yesterday I spent an hour at my storage unit trying to go through some bins. I ended up taking three bags of charity shop stuff back to the charity shop because I know by now that certain things are not worth the effort.

Then I filled a bin to overflowing with good charity shop stuff and just my own personal things and lugged that back home. I’m going to try to list them online in the next few days. I’m desperate to make money to go visit my daughter next week, and to give her a little money for Christmas.

There are other issues with my eBay business as well, like how I’m spending far too much money on shipping and also I let people bargain me down too far. Gah. I wish I could be selling something unique, something easy to ship, as I had planned months ago.

But I can’t work on eBay tomorrow because I have to report for jury duty at 8:30 a.m. Pretty funny considering, isn’t it? I don’t mind. It’s usually just dull and a waste of time because jury trials get settled before they take place.

I just got a call from the priest at the church I went to. I’ve arranged to meet with him in his office next week. Later that day I meet with my therapist. I will be telling both of them that I need to and want to begin to let go of all this stuff.

As the attorney told me today, if he wants to screw me over he probably can screw me over especially because he could take off to the UK. I may not have faith in my husband, but I would like to have faith that whatever happens with this lawsuit, I’ll be okay in the end.

I’ve been looking at want ads, as usual, but I will increase the hunt. I don’t want to work full time because I’m still not certain I can handle it, but if that’s my only option, I will. However, I will be picky about where I apply since I can’t afford to have a nervous breakdown on the job, now can I?

Speaking with my husband today I restated that I just can’t imagine why, after working fairly well together before the trial, he suddenly had to go and get so dishonest with me. He actually started to lie again. I interrupted him and said, “Stop. Just stop there. Stop lying.” And he did.

I realized I wanted to get off the phone quicker than he did. He’s too overpowering and too intense. He’s just too much.

I want this to be over. I want him to go away. But in the meantime I will begin again to pick up the pieces.




5 responses to “Wanting to Release it All to the Universe

  1. ML…I’m so sorry things are so hard for you. I wish there was something I could do to help but I can barely help myself most days. I do good to get up and shower each day. I have no idea how I am going to be able to go back to work and pay all the bills by myself? But we got to do what we got to do! And to top my day off today the whore called me – and you should have heard the shit she was trying to tell me…saying she was sorry for what she done and how miserable she is? WTF?

    Even though things are hard for you now you seem to be trying to do things to make changes and that is an inspiration to me, most all I can do is lay in the bed. I have no energy or motivation to get up and I don’t know if it’s just depression or maybe I have some other health issue going on I just feel awful everyday even when I get up and dress up and get out of the house after a few hours I’m so wore out and I have to lay back down and that worries me as to how I will be able to hold a job!

    Anyway girl I hope you have a good night and a better day tomorrow and you keep going girl…you are going to be fine even if it don’t feel like it right now!

  2. SoMuchHurt, thanks. I understand feeling helpless to help others when we can’t even help ourselves yet. I honestly think I’d be more of a wreck if I weren’t living with my parents. I’m forced to get out of bed and be somewhat active. But like you, I don’t know if I have the stamina for full time work.

    I can’t imagine getting a call from my husband’s girlfriend. She’s young and no doubt has no idea of the pain she’s caused. I can’t believe your husband’s other woman wanted to tell you how miserable SHE was. God.

    The exhaustion you are feeling is probably depression — but still should not be ignored. Wouldn’t be a bad idea to get some blood work done if you can, just to check things out. Do you walk or do any exercise?

    You hang in there too! xox

  3. Thanks ML! I hope you have a good week and things get better! We will get through this somehow. I guess we have no other choice, some days it just seems so hopeless but it has to get better!

  4. I really hope you can let things go. You can’t heal and live your life for yourself until you get rid of him from your life. For ebay, can’t you make the buyers pay for the shipping? I don’t do ebay so I don’t know. I have a couple things I could probably sell, I should look into it.

    • Hi, Cynthia, well, they do pay for shipping, but because I’m not savvy enough to do what I need to do to get discounts on shipping, I feel like I have to reduce the cost of my item, to make up for what they have to pay for shipping. It’s dumb, really. It’s something I need to figure out because people are really cheap on eBay!

      There are people who have made lots of money from eBay but I gather those golden days are over. Other sites, like etsy.com are better, for example, for handmade/artisan items.

      My god I spent the entire day at the courthouse only to be excused at the end because it was a sex abuse case and I volunteer at a sex abuse assessment center. Duh. Why’d they have to make me suffer all day when we all knew they’d nix me in the end!? The wheels of justice are rusty and slow.

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