It’s been an interesting week. There are moments when I think of my STBX fucking a 20-something year old and I feel sick to my stomach. But in the last few days when I thought about whether he’d do the right thing and give me half of his mythical settlement money, I didn’t dwell on it for too long. There’s only so much I can do.
Tomorrow is church again already and I have a relatively busy week coming up and hopefully will spend the night on Wednesday with my daughter. I miss her so much.
Suddenly I started doing better on eBay and now have enough money to go up there and take her to dinner. I’m so thrilled. If I’m careful I’ll also be able to give my parents some money as well. I spend a lot of money on food here. It’s the way I contribute to the household. But with Christmas coming that bill will be much bigger.
I’ve now started selling things I really like, but I like seeing the Paypal account grow. I like the stuff, I don’t want to part with a lot of it, but I can always buy it again later, right?
This morning a fellow commenter on the Chump Lady website asked for my eBay store link and I gave it to her, but added I was doing so just as a way of letting people get to know me, and not to make sales off my fellow chumps. About an hour later someone bought four items totaling well over $100. I knew immediately it was my fellow chump and I just stopped and cried.
This is a stranger who comforts me on the website when my feelings of despair become overwhelming. I am so humbled by her act I hardly know how to process it. It feels like the universe suddenly became a little more balanced. Even now I am crying again just thinking about it. It’s been so long since I’ve experienced something so positive from my fellow man and it makes me want to do something nice for someone as well.
I’m simply blown away by her very generous act. Speechless, really.
I can’t tell you how grateful I am for the Chump Lady website. Most of the people there are very eloquent, well spoken, witty, but also very caring. I actually feel honored to be among them. We were the one in our relationship that chose not to cheat — we’re basically the good guys. They help me be as tough and strong as I’m able to be.
Because of my emotional issues, when I get depressed I often tend to have really awful knee jerk reactions. I almost instantly feel utterly hopeless. When I post there in those moods I feel that people will get really sick of how hard this is for me and feel that I should be further along in the process. But my god they are patient. It’s teaching me so much. I know (at least right now) that I’ll come through this some day. But it’ll be thanks in large part to my fellow commenters on the website.
My parents have fought badly this week. My mom gets super wound up at the holidays making it harder for my dad to smile and nod at her demands. She’s a real ball buster, as he says. She really is. I cringe when I hear her boss him around as though he’s a five year old. Every now and then he bites back, then she doesn’t speak to him for a couple of days then the whole thing starts again. It’s such a sad situation for both of them.
I want to convey something very subtle that my mom did tonight. This, although subtle, is very telling about her mindset.
She knew I was trying to get to Portland to see my daughter and we were talking about my schedule for the week. I said that on Tuesday I have a therapist appointment, an appointment with the priest at church, and then I’ve committed to the kids center for the afternoon.
Then she said the weirdest thing. She said, “Can’t you cancel the appointment with the priest?”
I looked at her rather dumbfounded. I said, “What good will that do? I have two other commitments that day.”
She had no answer. But this sums my mom up. This is her way of being resentful that I’m meeting with a minister. She doesn’t want me to go there. She doesn’t want me to get a “church family” and, gasp, she really doesn’t want me to belong anywhere.
Why? Well, because she never could. As I’ve mentioned she dragged me from church to church as a kid and except for a couple of exceptions, we never stayed more than a few months at the same one. She always decided the women were bitches, but I know it’s because my mother is extremely competitive and she probably found she couldn’t work her way into the inner sanctum of church politics. Or perhaps she found all the women fawning over the minister. I don’t know. I only know that she was never happy with any church.
Imagine considering yourself a devout Christian and yet begrudging your own flesh and blood some peace in her heart out of pure resentment.
That just doesn’t jibe. I feel really sorry for her. I’ve truly never known a more unhappy person. I wish she could have found happiness in her life.
So later on as we discussed who needed the shower first tomorrow morning she said, “What are you doing?” And I said, “Going to church.” And for a brief moment I felt as though I just said, “Meeting my husband for brunch.” I mean it’s absurd that I basically feel frightened of her reaction that I’m going to church. Absurd!
It even feels weird to type the word “church” because it’s something I turned my back on many, many years ago. It’s only now when I have nowhere to turn and am desperate to survive this that I seem to be turning in that direction. I’m actually not thrilled that I’m starting going right at the beginning of the Christmas season because I’m not sure how I feel about Jesus, but I do have a strong feeling about God and when I’m at that church I feel him.
My STBX (soon to be ex) messaged me this evening about his case. He said a few interesting things and said he’d expand on them tomorrow. I can’t divulge much here because this is a public blog. But I refuse to stall my life for this unicorn money any longer.
But I did have a somewhat interesting idea to help me try to let go of trying to keep track of him and what he’s doing as far as potential money goes. I thought perhaps I could ask him to meet briefly with me and the minister just to say in front of another living breathing human being that he plans on doing right by me. I realize he can lie, but I know he believes strongly in a karmic force so I think he’d do it for me and I think he’d be mostly honest.
Perhaps it will allow me to let go. I’m so tired of feeling I need to monitor him. I want him to sign the agreement, promise the minister, and then let him go and trust my fate. I’m really, really tired of him, his opinions, his intensity, his dishonesty.
He’s also working on becoming an American citizen (thanks to me) and sponsoring his daughters. He doesn’t need to be married to me to make that happen any longer because we’ve been together too long. It’s too bad they don’t care about whether your immigrant ended up being a cheating dick. But I wouldn’t jeopardize his process because I want his daughters to have the opportunity for a better life than the one they have now.
It’s after midnight and I need to get to sleep. Thanks, as always, dear readers, for being here for me.