They Are Always Our Kids

I had a blissful (if expensive) Thursday and Friday with my daughter. We went to a late breakfast, saw the new Hunger Games movie, stopped by a friend’s house. Then met her boyfriend at a Chinese restaurant downtown. It was a very good meal and I had never met him before so that was nice. I liked him even though he’s just content being her boyfriend which bugs me.

That night I slept in her bed with her and her pug and I didn’t sleep much due to the pug’s snoring and not being able to play a documentary to put me to sleep, but I didn’t mind. I just wanted to be with her.

Before she fell asleep I touched her arm and said, “I wish I could have given you more.” She said, “You’re the best mom I’ve ever had.” I laughed and said, “But you deserved more.”

The next morning we had brunch at a French cafe and then I bought her a bunch of groceries and supplements. She works full time and goes to school full time and she just lives hand to mouth.

Her black sweater had a hole in it. Everything she had on looked worn and tired. My heart just broke. She only asks for help in the most dire circumstances. I am so sad I can’t do more.

But this morning I shopped online to find two sweaters and three inexpensive blouses, along with a pair of black bootie shoes and will have them shipped to her this week. I may need to go sell some of my jewelry to pay for it, but I don’t mind a bit. I want her to have some new clothes to wear for the holidays.

This is a really sad country to me. My family went from hard working, upper middle class to the high end of low class, I guess. These days she and her peers have no dental insurance so they end up having to have teeth pulled. She routinely works 40+ hours but when for one week it dipped below that, she lost her medical insurance. The fuckers at her work who have designed such a system will rot in hell. This is the sad state of affairs here in the US. Having lived in the UK, I’d take their healthcare any day of the week.

She’s overwhelmed with figuring out if she can afford to buy some coverage. I told her I’d make some calls on her behalf on Monday. I’m crossing my fingers.

I want to contact her father and ask him to help her too, but he’s pussy whipped by his wife who has always had a tumultuous relationship with my daughter. He has to get her permission to give anything to our daughter. They’re both pot smoking alcoholics and his wife’s temper is bad.

I’ve decided everything I work for on eBay will be for her for the time being. Her dog needs another surgery. Her car could break down. She has no one to turn to.

Why wasn’t I thinking of her well being when I was traipsing from USA to UK spending money that could have gone to help her? (Well, out of guilt I did give her as much as I could, including a car, but I should have done more.)

I guess it’s all just part of this very long process of finding myself that I am now worrying incessantly about her. I realized something today:

She’s all I have.

I’m glad church is tomorrow because I feel overwhelmed and so very sad. I love her more than anything in the world. But I’m also overwhelmed with love for her. I admire that she’s independent, which I’ve never been. She’s comfortable in her own skin. Yes, she has some anxieties, but nothing compared to mine.

I wish she could meet the man who will adore her forever. I’d give up any wish of my own to see that happen.

I fear I am becoming quite morbid so I will stop writing for today. The bottom line is I did have a fantastic getaway with her that I needed very much. And I’m grateful that she’ll be coming down here in a matter of weeks.




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