I’m in a fog. I realized I really, really overspent when I visited my daughter. But it’s so hard not to come and be the one who treats us. I’m going to have to be creative to live through the rest of this very expensive month.
Sold something on eBay which I very carefully wrapped but it arrived broken. The buyer says it doesn’t look like post office fault, so I had to refund her completely and not even file a claim. Now I’m worried about several other things I’ve just shipped and if they’ll break too. I thought I was a careful packer, now I’m not so sure. I just really hope the three or so items I have in transit will arrive unbroken. Geez.
The woman who reported the item broken noticed I was a bit snippy when I responded to her message. I wrote back and apologized for being rude and she wrote back that it was okay, that we’re all out of sorts because The End Of Days is near and Satan is really messing with us. I just refunded her money and said nothing.
I should have filed a claim. I’m becoming convinced that, unless you sell a unique product that’s hard to find anywhere else, you can’t really make a living on eBay. In the past you could. Not now. I had several great ideas for unique products to sell online, but then the settlement money never came and I had to ditch them. I still hope to revive those ideas someday. But meanwhile, I have been sending out resumes again.
I wrote a new agreement between my husband and I that we will share 50/50 in any settlement either one of us gets. Took him a week to finally respond (with me nagging him daily), but I think we finally have an agreement we both agree on. Now we need to get our signatures notarized on it and I can submit it with our disillusion of marriage paperwork. Knowing him that’ll take me another couple of weeks. Also, he’s trying to become an American citizen so that he can sponsor his daughters and so he’s trying to make certain that it doesn’t matter if we are divorced or not. I’m sure it doesn’t matter. The time period for it to matter is long gone. Jerk.
Tonight is the Volunteer Appreciation Dinner for the kids center where I volunteer. I was looking forward to it but now feel socially retarded and don’t want to go. I’ll go, anyway.
I’ve spent time learning more about what Advent is. It seems to me that Episcopalians and Catholics make a bigger deal of Advent than other mainstream Christians, but that’s just my beginner’s take on the subject. I have to admit I’m glad that Advent is a rather somber few weeks leading up to Christmas Day because that’s what I’m enjoying these days. Being somber.
I stumbled upon a video of Patti Smith singing at a Vatican concert — I know, hard to wrap your head around that, isn’t it? Anyway, her version of O Holy Night, which is my favorite Christmas carol is kind of amazing. It started me on this YouTube adventure where I listened to O Holy Night by about a dozen singers. Then I read up on the history of the song, which is actually quite interesting. It was written in French first, by a French poet who was not particularly religious, and the music was composed by a Jewish man. Later the poet became a socialist and the church found out it was composed by a Jew, and so they tried to ban the song, but the people loved it too much, so it remained.
No matter where I am, or who sings it, or whether I’m feeling close to God or not, when the singer gets to the “Fall on your knees” part, I tear up.
The Chump Lady website, my therapist, and my renewed interest in God, are the only things keeping me going. I’m taking the God thing slowly because I don’t want to be the kind of person who ditches it all when I begin to feel better. I’m trying to figure out if my feelings are authentic or not. I don’t want to be a God user. I’ve ditched God before and don’t want to do that again.
I really like what I’ve been learning about the Episcopal church. They are very inclusive of women, gays, etc. and they do a lot of good for the poor, the cold, and the hungry. They work well with other religions/churches to get stuff done. Among other things, the church I’m attending offers a free breakfast for 300+ homeless / poor people twice a month. I’m going to help out at the next one so I’m eager for that. Getting out of my own head, by any means, is beneficial for me, or anyone who is depressed. I’m hoping to eventually connect with some of my fellow volunteers.
Sometimes when I fear I’ll never love again or be loved again, the only thing I can hold on to is that I will do good for others. We all have to feel our life has meant something, right? I’ll be honest, when I volunteer at the kids center or when I will volunteer through my church, it does far more for me than it does for those who are being “helped.”
Too bad I can’t do good for others AND be loved again. Time will tell.