For Today, I am Feeling Fierce

I’m feeling like a warrior tonight and I’m not sure why. I’m feeling as though I could take on the world, especially my husband, and I’d win.

This experience has changed me forever. I suspect I will be more serious and somber than I ever was before but that doesn’t really bother me. I also feel that from now on only important things will be of any concern to me. I’m 57, I don’t have all the time in the world, FFS.

He used to call me “materialistic” which is hysterical because I watched him use up everything I owned. He called me that because we fought about money. He later claimed that we “could fight about anything else but not money.” I guess for him that was his deal breaker. He left me because for the first time in my entire adult life, I had no idea how to put a roof over my head and I was numb.

But calling me materialistic is just one more thing he said that really applies to himself, not me. His constant need to overdress. To wear a tie and to sometimes change that tie three times a day and he didn’t work, he just wore that tie around the house or to the store. To buy designer shoes at the Goodwill and wear them even though they are ill fitting. His sleeves were too long on his used designer shirts and his cuffs would get stained by the food on his plate! He’d lean back in his chair at the bar and rant about ridiculous shit to all the 20 somethings, thinking it made him look like an intellectual — thinking they looked up to him. He’s the shallow,selfish, materialistic one — not me.

His vintage sunglasses, his Mercedes that doesn’t run. His watches. His MASONIC jewelry. He embarrassed me with his “quirky” priorities but I swallowed it all.

He used to try to belittle me because of my desire to do the right thing — I had a moral compass and he didn’t. And due to my association with him I did some things that are out of my comfort zone ethically and that shames me now. Thanks to the Chump Lady website I’ve learned that that was me ignoring boundaries and red flags. That was me ignoring what was important to me — only I didn’t know it was important at the time.

But I do now.

He’ll probably feel sorry for me as I go on with my oh so boring, do-gooder life while he continues to scheme and swindle. But right now I’m feeling that I really will move on without him. Yes, it’s been slow and I’ll still have plenty of bad days ahead of me, I’m sure. But to have this clarity now and then and this feeling of fierceness is such a welcome change.

Right now I’m just looking down on that piece of shit weak excuse for a man who used me, took my money, and then replaced me with a 26 year old girl with stars in her eyes. And she can rot in hell, too — fucking cunt thinking this is a “victimless crime” of sorts. All these people who have fucked with us will face their shit somehow, someday — we don’t need to worry about that after all, wherever they go, there they are.

Funny how in the past several weeks I am exploring my spiritual side and trying it on to see how it feels. Yet I have a filthy mouth and plenty of righteous anger at my STBX and his whore. I’m not having trouble melding the two — I have every reason to be angry.

I don’t know how long I’ll continue feeling fierce but I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Seeing a glimpse of the stronger me every now and then does me a world of good.

Thanks everyone.

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