I’m Okay. I’m Changing.

Something’s different about me these days and I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s just time, finally, for me to start to see my own progress.

Saw my therapist again today and told her that I was not even aware of my own morals and values before, but now that I’m on my own with time to think about things, I have realized how I was nudged away from things that are important to me by my STBX. He gave me a hard time about always wanting to do what is right. He belittled me. He made fun of me. So slowly I began to change but it never did sit well with me.

Now I know why — those things are part of my core. And if I had known myself then as I know myself now, I’d have realized that all that was was manipulation by him and a very red flag.

I am now a changed person. It would not sit well with me now to be told my feelings are wrong or be made fun of for them. I’d notice. I’d speak up.

But there’s also been another realization of equal importance, or perhaps greater. I never thought I’d get to a point in my life where I could say this and mean it: I’m glad to be single right now. I’m glad I’m learning about myself and what I want. I’m glad that I’m becoming comfortable in my own skin. I’m glad the feelings of shame around being single are gone.

I’m finally in no hurry to meet someone. The longer I can go in my quest to become a whole, authentic person, the better. Better for me, for my potential partner, everyone. There is no rush.

Sometimes I still spend a few minutes now and then thinking about a potential partner and what he’ll be like. I can’t visualize him at all but I know some of the qualities I’d like him to have and one of them is that he likes me the way I am and doesn’t expect me to become a different person as my STBX did.

Even now, he’s got this 26 year old girlfriend who goes to the Oregon Country Fair (pot, patchouli, nudity) and has a tattoo on her wrist. He HATES people like that. He HATES tattoos. So no doubt he’s telling her to dress differently and behave differently. I know he’s doing that.

I’m glad to be away from that, not because I don’t want to be told how to dress, but because it’s all inauthentic. It was all about putting on airs and pretending to be something I’m not. He always wanted me to pretend. I never wanted to. Red flag.

In an angry email I said to him the other day that I wanted him to leave this town and never come back here to live and to “take your tattooed hippie whore with you.”

I’m not happy that I sunk that low because that sort of language doesn’t accomplish anything, but on the other hand, I don’t feel that bad about it. I told him he deserved all the shit I could dish out. He didn’t respond. Good.

My therapist told me she can see real signs of progress in me and that I should be proud of that. She said when I first came to her I was simply filled with terror and she’s so right. I told her that I was incredibly grateful for her help and she said it’s been her honor to work with me.

I feel very, very lucky. I think I’m going to be okay.

 

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