Do You Know Who You Are at Your Core?

I saw my therapist today and won’t be seeing her again until after the first of the year. I brought her a bottle of semi-nice balsamic vinegar which I thought she might like in lieu of sweets. I’ve never brought a gift to a shrink before, but she’s been a life saver for me and I wanted to thank her.

I talked with her about how one gets to know oneself because I feel I do not know myself at all. I seem to be slowly discovering what I’m about, but naturally I feel that everyone else walking around has a firm grip on who they are except me.

Core values, beliefs, morals, ethics, interests — I’m in the dark about most of that. Since I was 17 I’ve lived with one man after another constantly reshaping myself to fit their lives. I’ve done it for so long that I barely know who I am and what I like.

So it’s coming in fits and spurts to me. I’ve realized that integrity is extremely important to me and that is certainly one area in which my STBX is lacking. He’d never admit it, of course. He thinks there’s nothing wrong with his character, in fact he thinks he’s morally superior to, well, everyone.

I met him today at a notary and we both signed this agreement to share the proceeds of any lawsuit 50/50. It was the first time I’ve seen him in weeks and I’m struck again by how much taller I am than him. We surely must have been an odd looking couple.

It’s cold today and he wore a lightweight blazer all buttoned tight and a pretty blue scarf around his neck. New black leather gloves. New very pointed Euro shoes. I looked at him and actually felt sorry for him. He makes this effort to appear a certain way — image is EVERYTHING to him. But he doesn’t quite pull it off. I felt angry at him today so I said very little. I didn’t want to cause a scene.

As we were leaving he told me his new attorney told him to get a job so he said he was looking for one. I just stared at him and nodded. He can’t get a job. No one will hire him. He will not tarnish his reputation as The Exotic European That No One Can Figure Out Where His Money Comes From.  Yeah, I actually felt sorry for him. In some ways I’m glad he’s oblivious about himself.

I’m eager to do some art but my room is so, so crowded and at this point I can’t see getting to my art supplies until after Christmas. I’ve got some unique ideas I’m eager to try out.

I’m selling stuff on eBay but not enough to really impact my life. Although I did buy a fountain pen for $20 and just sold it for $80, so that’s nice. If I’d have been more patient I might have gotten more.

I am really scrimping because I wanted to give my daughter and my parents $100 each. I know that’s hardly anything, but my parents are spending so much money right now getting ready for company and my daughter will be missing work to come down here for three days. I wish it could be more. Someday it will be more.

This notion I have that everyone except me knows who they are at their core is probably a silly one. If we’re lucky we will continue to discover, change, and grow throughout our lives, right? And I’m certain that if and when I encounter a new man in my life, the alarms will go off if he behaves in ways that I should not ignore. I ignored them with my STBX and won’t do that again.

Do you know who you are at your core? Do you waste any time considering who you are?

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2 responses to “Do You Know Who You Are at Your Core?

  1. I certainly don’t have myself all figured out yet, but I feel like I’m closer than I’ve ever been. It’s the upside to going through hell – you’re forced to take a hard look at yourself and move forward.

    In any case, you seem to be a bit more compassionate with yourself lately. It’s a good thing to see. I have high hopes for you, ML. 🙂

  2. Thanks for your high hopes, NFTBF. They are appreciated. I guess overall I am a little more compassionate with myself these days — hopefully that’s a growing trend. Glad to know you don’t have yourself all figured out yet! xox

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