In a Holding Pattern

I got $50 from my STBX yesterday. And today I hocked a ring and a pair of earrings for $147. By the end of the day I was broke again but at least I was able to buy the food I promised I’d buy for the company coming in the next few days. It’s still nothing close to what my parents are spending. But I decided I’d rather sell the jewelry than start next month in debt.

I’m irked that of all the family coming, none of them except my own daughter will ask if there’s anything they can bring. And when they’re here, they just sit down and let me and my daughter wait on them. My mom has once again taken on more than she can handle, and by mid day she’ll be crashing and my daughter and I will see it through.

I asked mom to keep it simple, but no. And my god has she been spending. Dad says he doesn’t even ask. It’s not worth it to him. But we’re both shaking our heads. I mean, we dragged out a bunch of pretty Christmas tablecloths and she said she wouldn’t have to buy one, yet she still did. And a table runner. And chair covers. I’m not sure who she’s trying to impress.

My mom literally makes herself sick at the holidays. She begins to fret about them in September. She really does ruin holidays. I’ve often wondered what part of them are fun to her.

I’m eating too much and the weight gain is noticeable. I’m really afraid. I don’t want to put it all back on. I’m just trying not to panic and hope to get serious after company leaves a week from today.

Tomorrow I’m going to a church function from 2-4pm and I’m nervous. I’m making a dish to take for the event afterward. Now I feel stupid. I feel as though I’ll be the only single person in the place. I’m afraid. But I said I’d bring something, so dammit, I will.

I was edgy in the car today. Started to get angry at other drivers. I finally just yelled, “Stop. Stop. Stop.” Then I cried. Then I said The Lord’s Prayer a few times simply because I don’t know what else to do.

Are you there, God. It’s me, the girl you haven’t heard from since she was 12.

I wish so much my STBX felt shame for his actions, but he not only feels no shame, he seems pretty tickled with himself. He’s turning into a caricature and I fucking hate him. I’m so mad at myself for still feeling so wound up.

I pulled the car up to where he was downtown yesterday and unrolled the window. He handed me the money and I drove off. I looked back at him as he put some dark sunglasses on (on a very cloudy day) and I looked at this dumb trendy peacoat he had on with a patch on the shoulder. What is he, steampunk now?

He’s trying so hard to be young, hip, relevant. He has to do those things because he feels so fucking inadequate. But I’m still so filled with shame that he’s living with a 26 year old girl. She moved into my apartment while my belongings were still there and my pillow still warm. What kind of woman does something like that? Why does she think this was a victimless crime? Why did his friends help him to cheat on me? What’s wrong with all these morally deficient people!?

I have these fantasies when I finally get any money I’m able to get off him and I no longer need to pretend to be civil to him that I just let everybody have it. My husband. His woman. His friends who helped. I want to disgrace them, humiliate them, make their shit public. I’m hoping, of course, that when the time comes I won’t care enough to bother. Hoping.

I swear here and now that if he will not put in writing that he’ll leave this town, I will not help him with his daughters’ immigration. I simply can’t get back to a normal life knowing I could run into him and his whore at any time.

I know my language is bad and I’m too intense. I know! I wish so much that I had friends, activities, trips, drives, ANYTHING to do so that I could not be thinking about this humiliation.

I want to get it through my apparently very thick skull: THIS IS HIS HUMILIATION TO BEAR. NOT MINE! He did something shameful. Not me.

But you know, if they don’t feel any shame, if they in fact even feel proud of themselves. What can one do? Nothing, apparently. Can’t untangle that skein.

It’s just so fucked.

I’m so looking forward to three days with my daughter. And really excited to see my brother and his wife and young son but I’ll be honest. I’m ready for the holidays to be over so that I can keep on keeping on with my life. Right now I’m just in a holding pattern.

As crappy as I feel right now, I know that so many people are far worse off. I need to shake it off and do what I need to do.


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