There is Something I Can do to Ease my Pain

I have mixed feelings about Christmas being over. I was able to spend four days with my daughter and five days with my brother, his wife, and their one year old son. We drove them to the airport a few hours ago. My mother in tears. It’s clear to see that my brother and his wife are trying to get here as often as they can because of my dad’s health.

He was such an active grandfather with my daughter. He was only about 41 years old when I gave him that title. She is now 38 and he is 80. His newest grandchild is only 14 months old. Dad can barely keep himself steady on his feet, let alone hold a 25 pound baby. He had to sit to hold him. But my god that baby was so good and loving. It was incredible to have a baby in the house again — and he is so loved. His mom and my brother went to great pain and expense (IVF) to bring him into the world.

Mom and I had a tiff on Christmas Eve which is our family’s big day. I tried to get her to talk to me using words instead of sulking off by herself. But she told me I wouldn’t be able to take it. I said, “How do you know, mom? When’s the last time you tried?” Never. That’s when.

We never cleared the air of course, we just ignored the elephant in the room. Later that night she came to me and tried to hug me and wish me a merry Christmas. I was sitting so she was more or less hugging my head. The aversion I feel when she touches me is really, really disturbing. It’s almost a primal feeling of wanting to get away. It baffles me, yet it doesn’t. She never treated me lovingly. My childhood associations with her are horrible.

What a shame. It’s not just her favoritism for males, it’s her dislike of females that is the problem. There’s no fixing our relationship — I know that without a doubt. I feel really, really sorry for her and how miserable she makes herself. What a waste of her life.

STBX called to tell me my bank called him to say there might be illegal activity going on with my checking account. Sure enough, someone has attempted to charge various things to my account about 25 times. Two of them went through for $4.99 each, so it could have been worse. It’s funny considering I have all of $54 in the bank. They’ve cancelled that debit card and now I have to wait for a new one and when it comes I have to remember who to contact for automatic payments, etc. What a pain.

There are bad people in this world.

I went to the 11 pm Christmas Eve service at church. It was a beautiful yet simple service. The church had more candles lit and at the beginning the priest walked down the aisle with this thing in his hand which allowed him to spray droplets of water on the congregation. It’s not holy water, per se, but certainly water that’s been blessed. I love formality and tradition. I read that the water is to remind us of our baptism. I was really glad I went.

Tomorrow is the Saturday breakfast for the homeless and I confirmed with the organizer that I’ll be there. I want to ask the priest and assistant priest how else I can be useful. I’ve noticed in their newsletters that some education classes will be coming up, so I’m eager for those as well. If all goes well I’d like to be confirmed in the Episcopal church in 2015.

I don’t feel I’m giving anyone anything at all by trying to be of service there. I honestly feel that it’s helping only me at this point. It’s keeping me going, giving my life a purpose.

I didn’t think much about STBX this week. Holidays with him were always weird. He doesn’t come from a Western tradition of Christmas so he can’t comprehend the magic of the season at all. When I first met him, if his daughters asked to open their gifts a week before Christmas he’d say yes. It was no use trying to explain to him the excitement of WAITING.

My eBay sales have all but stopped but at least I made it through the most expensive time of year.

My goals now are to return to physical activity, healthier eating, and find a job.

Earlier this week when I allowed myself to wallow for a bit in my misery over the cheating stuff, I realized how I wished I could just pop into church to pray for peace in my head and heart. Then I realize that I can do that if I want to, at least M-F, 9a-5p, and that made me feel better.

When the pain is unbearable there is something I can do to rid myself of it — I can turn to God.

A small part of me wonders what sort of hypocrite I might be — that I will turn my back on this when I am “recovered.” But I’ll be frank, I’ll never really recover from this. I will need the help of God from here on out.

I feel really privileged to have made this realization.

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