I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year. Right now I am witnessing my own skewed behavior and at least now can simply say to myself, ‘This will pass. This will pass.’
When things start to go well for me I get nervous. When I get nervous I sabotage myself, I take the easier road, and then I almost immediately regret it. So, I’m trying to hold on through the panic, and not even venture down the easy road.
I was called for an interview to be office manager of a busy church. But thought about it over night and realized that it’s not right for me, just like the mall job wasn’t right for me. I’d be wasting my talents, I’d be underpaid, I’d get bored, and frankly, that’s just too much church. It’s hard enough getting to know the names of people at my own church, let alone another one. So while I’m feeling some guilt about canceling, I know it was the right thing to do.
A job was posted at the center where I volunteer, which is where I’d like to get hired. But I keep re-reading the job description and thinking there’s no way I could do that, even if they would consider me. Not sure what to do, but I did email the director and asked if I could talk with her off the record about opportunities that may come up there. Haven’t heard back from her yet.
All my insecurities are coming to the surface now and it’s like looking at old friends — except these are old friends you hate, who do you no good.
I feel I’m forcing myself a little too much to do stuff at church and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I’m going to pull back slightly and remember that first, the place should be where I feel closer to God and receive comfort, and secondly a place for me to make friends.
Last Saturday I went back to the breakfast that the church offers to the hungry/homeless and am beginning to feel I am needed there. It’s a bit tense, and, frankly, more than a little stinky, but still feel compelled to help there.
Earlier this week I drove to Portland to spend the night with my daughter for her birthday. It was so much fun, but I came back $200 in debt because I can’t not be the mom who buy meals and groceries, etc., like I used to be. Since Christmas I can’t catch up and feel I start out behind every month. February will be really tight now. I have had a few eBay sales and they do help, but not significantly.
Yesterday I felt sorry for myself and felt quite down about my husband. We don’t talk much, which is how I want it, but when I do hear his voice I am reminded that I liked him very much at times. And at times I still miss him. Then I get angry all over again about what he’s done to me. And like all chumps I scratch my head in confusion over how a person you love can completely abandon you.
I feel like crying right now just thinking about it. When we didn’t have money problems (which was most of the time), we did enjoy one another. At the same time I KNOW we never should have married and we are not right for one another and I just want to wake up and have him erased from my life. How does a person just forget what you meant to one another? I can’t fathom it.
I did meet with his new attorney up in Portland and we hope to start getting some answers soon about his lawsuit. If there is any money, and I’m not already employed, I will start my own business — I still want that more than anything.
So, even though I’m not writing here much any more, it’s not to say I’m all healed and healthy because I’m not. I’m just a bit busier, a bit more distracted, and don’t want to wallow in my shit as much as I was. I still have really hard days and I hate when I begin this whole self doubt thing I’m famous for.
I see others with half my ability and talent who are going for it — what’s stopping me from going for it?