Monthly Archives: January 2015

My Old Pal Self Doubt Returns

I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year. Right now I am witnessing my own skewed behavior and at least now can simply say to myself, ‘This will pass. This will pass.’

When things start to go well for me I get nervous. When I get nervous I sabotage myself, I take the easier road, and then I almost immediately regret it. So, I’m trying to hold on through the panic, and not even venture down the easy road.

I was called for an interview to be office manager of a busy church. But thought about it over night and realized that it’s not right for me, just like the mall job wasn’t right for me. I’d be wasting my talents, I’d be underpaid, I’d get bored, and frankly, that’s just too much church. It’s hard enough getting to know the names of people at my own church, let alone another one. So while I’m feeling some guilt about canceling, I know it was the right thing to do.

A job was posted at the center where I volunteer, which is where I’d like to get hired. But I keep re-reading the job description and thinking there’s no way I could do that, even if they would consider me. Not sure what to do, but I did email the director and asked if I could talk with her off the record about opportunities that may come up there. Haven’t heard back from her yet.

All my insecurities are coming to the surface now and it’s like looking at old friends — except these are old friends you hate, who do you no good.

I feel I’m forcing myself a little too much to do stuff at church and I feel a bit overwhelmed. I’m going to pull back slightly and remember that first, the place should be where I feel closer to God and receive comfort, and secondly a place for me to make friends.

Last Saturday I went back to the breakfast that the church offers to the hungry/homeless and am beginning to feel I am needed there. It’s a bit tense, and, frankly, more than a little stinky, but still feel compelled to help there.

Earlier this week I drove to Portland to spend the night with my daughter for her birthday. It was so much fun, but I came back $200 in debt because I can’t not be the mom who buy meals and groceries, etc., like I used to be. Since Christmas I can’t catch up and feel I start out behind every month. February will be really tight now. I have had a few eBay sales and they do help, but not significantly.

Yesterday I felt sorry for myself and felt quite down about my husband. We don’t talk much, which is how I want it, but when I do hear his voice I am reminded that I liked him very much at times. And at times I still miss him. Then I get angry all over again about what he’s done to me. And like all chumps I scratch my head in confusion over how a person you love can completely abandon you.

I feel like crying right now just thinking about it. When we didn’t have money problems (which was most of the time), we did enjoy one another. At the same time I KNOW we never should have married and we are not right for one another and I just want to wake up and have him erased from my life. How does a person just forget what you meant to one another? I can’t fathom it.

I did meet with his new attorney up in Portland and we hope to start getting some answers soon about his lawsuit. If there is any money, and I’m not already employed, I will start my own business — I still want that more than anything.

So, even though I’m not writing here much any more, it’s not to say I’m all healed and healthy because I’m not. I’m just a bit busier, a bit more distracted, and don’t want to wallow in my shit as much as I was. I still have really hard days and I hate when I begin this whole self doubt thing I’m famous for.

I see others with half my ability and talent who are going for it — what’s stopping me from going for it?

Hired (really, really part time, but it’s a foot in the door)

Slow and steady. Slow and steady. Deep breaths.

Last night I had a realization and a premonition that everything would work out in the next several months (job wise). First, since I’ve been wracking my brain for years on what business to start, I began to think about what I already know and virtual assistant came to mind. But then I decided that I could specialize — I could set up and run Twitter accounts (and other social media) for businesses and organizations who can’t spare the manpower to do it right.

I love Twitter. I’ve probably had six or eight different accounts depending on what I was working on. On Tuesday of this week I went to a “start up” meeting that I was very excited about. Something along the lines of using Twitter to leverage your marketing. It was being taught by a local marketing professor and I won’t say much more except I found it very disappointing. I could have taught it. I could have done a better job. I “get” Twitter.

I felt proud. I taught myself how to master it and how to get genuine followers. I even know that it’s not right for every one or every business. For example, as a private citizen I would not want one. But as a business owner, blogger, seller on eBay, or all the other hats I’ve worn in recent years, it made sense. If you want attention, it’s a good idea to be active on Twitter.

So at 1 a.m. last night I was making myself a LinkedIn account and a Twitter account that is in my real name — this is a momentous thing. I created it in my name because I decided to go for “doing business as” my name because it’s simpler, and easier for people to find me. And I wanted to stop hiding.

Everything I’ve done online has been anonymous. I’ve hidden behind nicknames and business names, but now I’ve stepped out from behind the shadows. I’m me, and I’m putting myself out there to try to find three or four businesses who need me to handle their Twitter accounts for them. Naturally the first place I thought of is the place I volunteer and they don’t even have a Twitter account.

This morning I was supposed to meet with my supervisor and the director of the nonprofit. The meeting got postponed for a bit and so I sat with my two supervisors and talked. I was upfront with them; they know I don’t want to go get a boring job and leave them behind. They made it clear to me that they like having me around. I find this so special, seeing as though they are both so young and confident.

Eventually we had our meeting with the director and I signed a bunch of paperwork. Starting Monday I will get paid for some of the work I do there. For now it’s extremely minimal, only about 3 hours a month. But the point is I am in the door. I will be someone they can turn to when they need more help or when they make some big changes that are coming up. In the last year they’ve had a chance to watch me work and get to know me and they liked what they saw.

When I was done, my two supervisors and the receptionist were practically high-fiving me. They knew what it meant. The last two or three people to get hired to work there full time started out this way. I can’t tell you how honored I feel.

And when we spoke earlier we chatted about how to make their nonprofit stick out in a city that has many, many nonprofits, and I came up with an amazing idea which they loved. Anything is possible, maybe that idea will happen — if not, I have more ideas. It turns out I am an Idea Person! As a kid I always wanted to be Samantha from Bewitched, not for her ability to do magic, but for the way she always saved the day with a jingle or marketing plan.

The point is, that even though I don’t have that college degree, I do have a lot of work experience over many fields. I know a lot — much more than I usually admit. What I don’t know about the legal system is made up for by the fact that I know so many other things, practical things, and a fair amount about marketing and that I’m super flexible to be whatever they need me to be in the coming months.

I’m an asset.

And even if they only hire me now and then, or half time, I can continue to see if I can Tweet for other businesses. There’s no telling where this might lead.

I’m busy, too. I’ve got the breakfast for the hungry/homeless tomorrow morning, and on Sunday I’ll go to church and then drive to Portland to spend the night with my daughter whose birthday is Monday. Then I will actually be meeting with my STBX’s attorney so that we can get a feel for one another. My husband told me to get information so that we can decide if he should just get the money they agreed upon at the trial last October. Funny with all his bravado I think he’s relying on me to provide him with the information and make the decision for him.

He was all smoke and mirrors.

So I’m trying not to get all hyper and nervous. I just want to stay grounded and know that I’m not committing myself to anything I cannot do. That I still have the security of living with my parents and I don’t have to do everything at once. But the difference is that now I am willing to work really hard and not give up, as I have always done before.

I realize all of this probably sounds pretty menial to people who have confidence, a formal education, and actual careers, but I have not worked for money for about ten years, and at 57 wondered if I’d ever be hired again.

I’m glad to be alive. I’m excited about the future.

Thanks, as always, for reading.



Phasing Out This Blog

I’m the sort of person who never says never so I’ll be careful here. I am winding down on my need for this blog — and I’m sure any of you who are still reading are probably happy for me and not sad at that news.

I began this blog to show how amazing I was to get over being chumped and left penniless. I thought I’d show the world my effortless exercise and weight loss capabilities, but before long, the pain set in and it didn’t leave for a year.

It was the most excruciating pain of my life — all 57 years of it. While, I’m hardly out of the woods, I can see the light. I’m a changed person. Other things are taking my interests away and that is a fucking wonderful thing.

I’ve started a blog that’s not so personal and focuses on my love of buying vintage goods and trying to sell some of it. I don’t know what’ll become of it or how long it’ll last, but I thought it’d be a nice change and might help my eBay sales a little.

I’ll put the link here just so you can see it, but please, please, don’t think I want anyone who reads here to buy any of my stuff — I really don’t want you to! You’ve given me far too much already by just being here and offering me your support. The Castle Moat:

I’m sure I’ll still post here now and then, maybe once a week or so. We all know that 2015 is going to be my year and so I’ll need to come here and keep you in the loop.

Thank you, for the hundredth time, for being here for me. I honestly can’t imagine where I’d be without knowing these pages were being read by people who cared.


Trying to Stay on the Middle Path

I saw my therapist for the first time since the holidays. I told her that I am becoming someone I’ve never been before. I can’t say I’m feeling like “my old self again” because my life has been hell for so many years that there is no “old self” to aspire to. I guess you could say I’m my own blank slate.

I had my review at the kids center today and it was great. I told my supervisor that I would begin looking for work now that I’m feeling better. She began to tell me about a very small opportunity there which might lead to actual employment down the line. I told her yes, please keep me in mind for that. It’s hard not to get excited because I really love and respect every one there. It’d be so nice to slip into paid work with them.

You can’t imagine how excited I’ll be to walk into a place every morning knowing I’m earning my own livelihood. They don’t know how hugely appreciative I’d be for that opportunity. This might not cone about until Spring, unfortunately, so I will keep looking in the meantime.

I saw my therapist for only 40 minutes today because I crammed too many things in one day and had to leave. I think, and I think she’d agree, that I don’t need to go very much any more. I’m going to talk to her about that when I see her next. I’ll maybe start going every three weeks or so. Not ready to give her up completely yet.

I went to a church function tonight at another Episcopal church for “Feast of the Epiphany.” It was lovely and at the end was a soup super. By the time I got to my salad it was nearly gone, so that’s good! I met a couple in line as we were heading toward the food hall, they were so friendly I asked if I could sit with them for dinner. They were really charming, from Europe, but been in the USA for a long time. Now I feel I know someone, and she’s coming to an education group that I plan to attend so yay. Bless her heart she introduced me to everyone who sat down at our table.

I’m learning how to be social and to interact with strangers — for so long I was convinced I was socially stunted. Living with a narcissist makes you doubt every aspect of yourself. But I no longer care about his bizarre opinions and insane thought process. I told my therapist today that I feel both sorry for him and disgusted by him. I haven’t heard from him since his “Happy 2015” message on the 1st.

While there may be a lawsuit I’m coming to think that with my husband’s luck, there won’t be one. It’d be so nice to have a bit of cash to set myself up in an apartment, but if not I’ll just stay here and save longer. I do allow myself to dream a little about the money, but not like I used to. Even if he gets it there’s no guarantee that I”ll get my hands of any of it. Sadly, narcissists, don’t think anyone is as deserving as they are.

Over and over again on the Chump Lady website you’ll see women saying, “He said he’d take care of me and the kids and then he abandoned us. How could he do that?” Because no one else exists in the world, that’s why. My husband’s no exception.

I wrote to him today and asked him to please get some answers right away about the lawsuit and immigration plans for his daughters because if I can help in the next several months I will, but if it will take longer than that, I won’t. I don’t want to stay married to him. He didn’t respond.

That’s okay. If he doesn’t respond I’ll just go to the courthouse, fill out the paperwork, and have him served.

He tries to calm me by saying, “I have no lawsuit without you. How can I leave you out of the loop?” I dunno how, but you surely might try.

I’m trying to keep in that middle area, not too high, not too low. I’m trying to get comfortable here in the middle. I told my therapist that it’s such a shame it took me to 57 years old to fully grasp that time does heal. In the past as I moved frantically from relationship to relationship and made one bad decision after another, I never took the time to just be. To just rest. To just give it some time. Now that I have it’s a beautiful thing.

God, I was so pigheaded. No one could tell me anything. I hope I’m not that bad any more! Then I’d fuck up and the pain would seem unbearable and then I’d make another wrong decision. It became the story of my life. I’m so glad to be off that roller coaster. This is where I want to be.

Not Resolutions, But Plans to Get on With Life

Happy New Year!

I have to admit I’m filled with optimism about the year ahead. I have many things I want to get started on, not because of New Year’s resolutions, but just because it was too difficult to start them during the holidays.

I’ll spend more time job hunting — but I will only apply for jobs I think I can seriously commit to.

It’s probably been three months since I’ve swam. I love the water but I believe it has seriously messed up my ears and sinuses and I’m only now starting to feel on the mend. I will, for now, sign up at the fitness center and commit to a routine of going there. It’s hard, because I like to say to the kids center that I’m available anytime, but I will have to go back to afternoons so that I can have the mornings for fitness.

I’d like to take a class on Adobe Illustrator but I can’t afford it. I will try to teach myself using YouTube videos.

For the last several weeks I stop into Michaels (the craft store) and use their weekly coupons to buy one tube of acrylic paint at 50% off. It’s a slow way to build up my paint supply, but it’s by far the cheapest way. I gave away thousands of dollars of art supplies the last time we moved to London. Sigh. I have some intriguing ideas about what I want to paint. I hope to start that in the coming weeks.

I’m gaining weight, still, but I can’t be too hard on myself — I’m trying so hard to LIKE myself that I can’t give myself such a hard time on the weight right now. But I’ve decided that I will make a real effort to eating healthier foods. I’m not saying I’m on a diet, because I’m not. I’m simply adding healthier foods back into my diet, which hopefully will make me more full and thereby eat less junk.

I have fully realized that the way I eat, particularly at night, is as though food is a drug. I’m going to go about solving this issue by looking at it as an addiction, adding healthier foods back into my diet, and praying about it.

When I get a job I’ll save for a few months and then I’ll begin apartment hunting. I’m ready to have my own place finally. I feel strong enough and am in fact excited about it.

If some money comes my way due to my husband’s lawsuit, I’ll decide what to do with it then. I will not waste another minute being in limbo waiting for it.

I plan to have an answer in the next couple of weeks about whether I can help sponsor my STBX’s daughters or not. If so, I want to get on with it. If not, I want to begin divorce asap.

I will be divorced in 2015. I will get a job. I will find my own apartment. I will continue to go to church. I will eat healthier.

Maybe, if I can afford it, a dog will be in my future too!

Thanks again to all who read this odd blog or comment on it. Your support has meant a great deal to me. I’ve always written a private journal and this is the only one I’ve ever made public. It’s an odd thing to do, but it has really benefitted me, thank you.

Oh, STBX messaged me last night at 12:01 a.m., “Happy 2015” and I did not respond at all.