Trying to Stay on the Middle Path

I saw my therapist for the first time since the holidays. I told her that I am becoming someone I’ve never been before. I can’t say I’m feeling like “my old self again” because my life has been hell for so many years that there is no “old self” to aspire to. I guess you could say I’m my own blank slate.

I had my review at the kids center today and it was great. I told my supervisor that I would begin looking for work now that I’m feeling better. She began to tell me about a very small opportunity there which might lead to actual employment down the line. I told her yes, please keep me in mind for that. It’s hard not to get excited because I really love and respect every one there. It’d be so nice to slip into paid work with them.

You can’t imagine how excited I’ll be to walk into a place every morning knowing I’m earning my own livelihood. They don’t know how hugely appreciative I’d be for that opportunity. This might not cone about until Spring, unfortunately, so I will keep looking in the meantime.

I saw my therapist for only 40 minutes today because I crammed too many things in one day and had to leave. I think, and I think she’d agree, that I don’t need to go very much any more. I’m going to talk to her about that when I see her next. I’ll maybe start going every three weeks or so. Not ready to give her up completely yet.

I went to a church function tonight at another Episcopal church for “Feast of the Epiphany.” It was lovely and at the end was a soup super. By the time I got to my salad it was nearly gone, so that’s good! I met a couple in line as we were heading toward the food hall, they were so friendly I asked if I could sit with them for dinner. They were really charming, from Europe, but been in the USA for a long time. Now I feel I know someone, and she’s coming to an education group that I plan to attend so yay. Bless her heart she introduced me to everyone who sat down at our table.

I’m learning how to be social and to interact with strangers — for so long I was convinced I was socially stunted. Living with a narcissist makes you doubt every aspect of yourself. But I no longer care about his bizarre opinions and insane thought process. I told my therapist today that I feel both sorry for him and disgusted by him. I haven’t heard from him since his “Happy 2015” message on the 1st.

While there may be a lawsuit I’m coming to think that with my husband’s luck, there won’t be one. It’d be so nice to have a bit of cash to set myself up in an apartment, but if not I’ll just stay here and save longer. I do allow myself to dream a little about the money, but not like I used to. Even if he gets it there’s no guarantee that I”ll get my hands of any of it. Sadly, narcissists, don’t think anyone is as deserving as they are.

Over and over again on the Chump Lady website you’ll see women saying, “He said he’d take care of me and the kids and then he abandoned us. How could he do that?” Because no one else exists in the world, that’s why. My husband’s no exception.

I wrote to him today and asked him to please get some answers right away about the lawsuit and immigration plans for his daughters because if I can help in the next several months I will, but if it will take longer than that, I won’t. I don’t want to stay married to him. He didn’t respond.

That’s okay. If he doesn’t respond I’ll just go to the courthouse, fill out the paperwork, and have him served.

He tries to calm me by saying, “I have no lawsuit without you. How can I leave you out of the loop?” I dunno how, but you surely might try.

I’m trying to keep in that middle area, not too high, not too low. I’m trying to get comfortable here in the middle. I told my therapist that it’s such a shame it took me to 57 years old to fully grasp that time does heal. In the past as I moved frantically from relationship to relationship and made one bad decision after another, I never took the time to just be. To just rest. To just give it some time. Now that I have it’s a beautiful thing.

God, I was so pigheaded. No one could tell me anything. I hope I’m not that bad any more! Then I’d fuck up and the pain would seem unbearable and then I’d make another wrong decision. It became the story of my life. I’m so glad to be off that roller coaster. This is where I want to be.


6 responses to “Trying to Stay on the Middle Path

  1. I enjoyed reading this post today. You are well on your way to healing and a new life. You have a level headed approach to it. You will make many friends at church and otherwise. I hope the job with the Children’s center works out for you. I find myself looking forward to reading your blog and seeing the progress you make and the confidence you are gaining. Take care.

  2. Hey There: Good to see that you are making consistent steps to move on and improve your life WITHOUT him. Going to church is a great place to interact and make new friends who will accept you with loving arms. The job sounds really neat! Your blog is a great example of real feelings, real goals and real resolutions for so many, and I enjoy reading. Continue to hang in there and know that you are HUGGED!

  3. That would be so cool if the job at the center worked out, you seem to enjoy it so much. I can’t think of a more fulfilling thing than knowing you are helping someone (and get paid for it!) I like your comment about time healing, it’s so true and I also am impatient, but am learning that too.

    • Thanks, Cynthia. You’ve not been blogging much these days so I hope you’re well. If its because real life and the great outdoors is taking up your time, then yay for you! It’s what we should all aspire to.

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