My anxiety over this job is coloring every aspect of my life. The interview went well, at least I thought so at first. The longer I go, the more I think I blew it. I’m really upset that with all my computer knowledge I’m getting shit for not being familiar with the Microsoft Office Suite (I’ve been on an Apple for four years). She really wants someone who can step in and produce Excel reports and make Power Point presentations and I would not be able to. I’d have a small learning curve as I got back up to speed. That one thing could make or break my getting hired.
I did find out that a woman I report to for the Saturday Breakfast for the homeless twice a month is on the Board of Directors. I wrote to her and gave her a heads up that I named dropped her name. She doesn’t know me well but she can talk a bit about my character. I called the other people who are on my reference list. One of them I am meeting for coffee on Monday morning and the other has retired but offered her email and telephone for the references and told me good luck.
Last night I was helping with preparing these simple soup dinners we’re having at church on Tuesdays throughout Lent and I was catching up the assistant priest on how the job thing was going. Then a woman chimes in from the front desk saying she’s on the Board of Directors too! I felt so embarrassed. Didn’t know what to say to that. I followed the priest back to his office and said, “OMG how awkward was that?” He smiled and said, “That’s grace. That’s what this community is all about, making contacts.” I told him I’m not used to that. Later I found out that there are four members of my church on the board.
I had hoped to hear from the woman I interviewed with by now about a face to face interview so I’m starting to lose some hope. I figure she’d interview me simply because she feels obligated. Doesn’t matter. It’s out there. It’ll either work in my favor or not.
Staying away from my favorite website has been really hard and bless her heart, one of my fellow chumps contacted me to let me know they miss me. It meant a lot to me.
Well, the big news of the day is that last night I received frantic messages from my STBX and I was busy at church from 2pm-8:30pm so didn’t check my phone until close to 9 pm. The opposing attorney now wants us to notarize the agreement we already signed and sent to him for $16.00 overnight. By the time I called my STBX he had the gall to ask where I was. I laughed and said, “I was out. I was busy.”
So I met him today at the bank, but, since I am wound up and anxious I did not behave well.
We had to wait for the notary so we “chatted” a bit. He asked how I was and I told him that I wasn’t happy that he and his whore would probably put down roots here when I need him to leave to get on with my life. He said, no, he hates this town and he will leave. But he kept saying, you don’t go where I go anyway. I said, “[Name], I’m avoiding where I think you might be. I want my town back.”
I said, “What 26 year old doesn’t want to have kids? You’ll have kids and you’ll be stuck here because her family is here. And no matter how much you think I deserve what’s happened to me, I don’t deserve that. You need to leave.
We then went to have our signatures notarized and as we were leaving her office I was making small talk with the notary about her head and chest congestion he all of a sudden started talking like a doctor. Telling her that the color of her phlegm is just that her esophagus is inflamed, blah blah blah, and I lost it. He was obviously repeating word for word what his whore nurse girlfriend has told him.
We were done, so I stepped out of the office and said, “Must be nice to have the knowledge of a doctor in your house.” Truthfully he is such a hypochondriac that a nurse is a good fit for him. But it just fucking rubbed me the wrong way. I left the building and was walking quickly to my car.
He followed and was telling me I don’t know what I think I know. So I said, “I know enough! And if you ever think I’m jealous of you or what you have you need to think again. I don’t envy anything you have. I want you to get the fuck out of this fucking town you fucking bastard.”
I said, “You’ve had a new relationship for a year and a half and you have moved on. You’re happy and wonder why I’m not happy too. I’m still putting the pieces of my life back together, asshole!”
He came to the car window and (of course, I expected it) said, “See? This is how you behave.” To which I mimicked his girlfriend, “Oh yes, look how patient I am. How sweet and kind I am. I never get angry. I never abuse people” then “You’re busy love bombing her and trying to convince her you’re someone else!” He finally walked away. But I think I called him a fucking bastard about three times in public. He was pretty pissed.
I’m not happy I did any of that. If I could go back in time I would not do that. I like to think I wouldn’t have done it if I weren’t totally on edge right now. But I don’t know. Maybe I would have.
I felt so awful. I started for home and then did a U and went to church. The assistant priest was in a meeting but I said that’s okay and I went into the sanctuary where I was alone. I cried silently for about ten minutes and then just tried to pray and get a handle on my emotions. I stayed for about 25 minutes and suddenly felt I could get on with my day and left.
While I was driving I imagined me telling the assistant priest what I had done and how ashamed I am of what I have done and I saw him nodding his head, saying, “I know. I know.” And suddenly I felt so much better. I suddenly felt that I don’t have to carry around the shame of what I just did forever, like I normally would, and beat myself up about it for days. I realized it was the wrong thing to do, I’d try harder in the future, but I honestly feel that God and only God really knows what I’m going through and how I’m trying desperately to hold on.
But now that a few hours have gone by I’m realizing that I’m always going to be a nervous wreck about something and that’s not good. I have to stop it. I won’t be able to handle a job, which is what happened to me in my past. I can’t afford not to work, I HAVE TO TRY TO PROVIDE FOR MYSELF. I can’t afford to be a sobbing weakling! There is no one for me to lean on.
I will not succeed if I do not get a grip on my anxiety. Throughout this almost year and a half of agony and pain I often said that I can handle the depression, it’s the anxiety that kills me. Still true.
I wish so much I hadn’t behaved so badly. It just allows him to keep telling everyone what a nutcase I am. And to some degree he’s right. But I didn’t deserve what he did to me.
Blowing up that way today sets me back and I don’t need that. When I succumb to one thing it has a ripple effect on everything else. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow afternoon, thank goodness. I want to ask her why I am suddenly in renewed pain about my STBX and his OW. They’ve been a couple for a year and a half. They’re happy. They’re in love and they’ve moved on. I’m the only one stuck in the past. What a ridiculous way to be.
I need to get a job. Get my own place. Increase my social activities. And move the fuck on with my life.