A Case of the Nerves

I’m pretty wound up. I’m trying to stop myself biting my mom’s head off or writing things I’ll regret on Twitter or over at my favorite website, Chump Lady.

I love that website. It’s kept me sane and alive more than once. But sometimes I can get overwhelmed with all the intense grief and despair. To know there are that many narcissistic cheaters in the world who’ve done so much harm really makes me wonder about the future of humanity and the bubble I’ve been living in prior to being in this position myself.

I’m pretty distracted because I have a telephone interview tomorrow afternoon for a job I want more than anything in the world. I’ve spent days preparing for any question they might ask me. I’ve never had a telephone interview before so that doesn’t help.

Soon I’ll have my hands on half of my husband’s lawsuit settlement so to get a job in addition to that will mean my future is finally here. The notion that I will hopefully soon be living on my own for the first time in my life is both exhilarating and daunting. I don’t want to count my chickens, though. It’s only the first interview in a job market where the competition is fierce. So I ask myself why would they hire me, and I go into a self esteem spiral.

On the other hand, what has me excited is that I am very qualified for the job and I’m passionate about what they do. I honestly think they’d love me and I’d love them. Too bad I can’t say that in the interview.

I had a bad dream about my husband and his other woman last night and it’s left me feeling unbalanced all day. It’s unfathomable that he is in love with her and doesn’t think of the pain he caused me. I want this job so that I can finally relegate him to where he belongs in my head. Some far off dark and dusty corner.

lent crossI really enjoy church during the somber time of year, as it is now. I don’t know what that says about me. But the music is beautiful, the message powerful, the crosses are covered with sheer purple fabric. When they remove them at Easter we will all appreciate the symbol again. We get too familiar and nonchalant about it. Depriving ourselves of it for 40 days is worthwhile.

I was afraid I’d feel like a fraud by returning to church. I am absolutely gobsmacked that all of this feels so normal and right to me. At first I felt comfortable just needing to feel closer to God. I wasn’t sure if I’d have belief in the rest. But somehow it feels natural.

I look forward to Sundays for two reasons: church service, and a new (to me) British detective series called Grantchester, which I just found out is done for the season, grrrr. This is day 5 of Lent and I am doing my best to be self aware, to think about God, and yay, I haven’t been in a convenience store for five days.

The Academy Awards are tonight and as much as I love movies, I could not care any less about the awards ceremony, especially the red carpet stuff. The focus on body type, dress, and looks in general is ridiculous to me. Even the idea that only one person will win in their category seems wrong. No wonder some people (usually best supporting actors) have a nonsensical speech! They probably haven’t eaten or slept in days.

I watched the Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary show the other day and watched dumbfounded as little Paul Simon comes on the stage looking like one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey with his face all pulled back from plastic surgery. What is he thinking?

I’m just in a complaining mood. I think I’ll go paint and put some Bach and headphones on.

LATER:

Shit. I’m losing it. The anxiety of this interview. There’s just too much riding on it. Trying to behave for Lent, but thinking about my husband fucking his young other woman. Feeling bullied over at my favorite website, the place I go for comfort. I’ve got to hold on until after the interview. I’m afraid. Going to head for the ativan.

I’m not well.

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2 responses to “A Case of the Nerves

  1. Hey, ML; if you take a break from CL, will you at least drop me an email every other day to let me know how you’re doing (either the email in the comments or tempest.ariel2014@gmail.com)? Hugs, friend.

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