A Broken, Flip Flopping Record

Still no word on that particular job. Obviously I am not going to be called for the face to face interview. I just find it odd that she didn’t shoot me a thanks but no thanks email.

Yesterday I decided that I would move forward with my own business once and for all. I told my therapist and she was thrilled for me. Then I wrote to my brother to ask him what he thought. His answer was truthful and heartfelt. It’s just such a risky thing to do with my settlement money. Having to buy an inventory can really suck up your money and I could watch my little nest egg go up in smoke.

So I’ve decided to find a way to increase my eBay sales with some new items and just see how that goes. A small investment, and no outlay of money for a new website, etc. He’s right, it’s too risky.

I applied for another job today that pays really well. The position’s been open since October 2014 which makes no sense whatsoever. In this town of talented and overeducated people they can’t find someone to do that job? It’s not going to be me, I’m sure. But I applied just to keep applying.

The bottom line is with a job I can move out and get on with life, and I really do want that. I am a bit worried that I don’t have the stamina of a younger person, yet I do whatever I need to do, like the last two Tuesdays making huge dinners at church, or washing dishes there for the homeless breakfasts on Saturday.

I know I shouldn’t be so picky, but I’m desperately trying not to end up with the receptionist position somewhere. I’d really, really hate it. For so many of my younger years that’s where I was: at the front desk. Always running for the phone. I can’t do that at my age. It’s degrading and soul sucking.

Just when I think I have a plan I change it again. I do think I need to do myself a favor and once and for all get the idea of my own business out of my head. But I have to admit, my sales on eBay have been remarkable this last week. Who knows why, but I’m loving it.

In the midst of this I am deeply troubled that I still feel such shame and humiliation over what my husband has done to me. Abandoning me for a younger woman. Her interest in him probably thrilled him to his core. He dropped me like a hot potato and never looked back.

How could he never have looked back?

But life with him was truly horrific so why can’t I just be grateful for young Heather Ann and get on with my life? I guess I’m mad that I ever let him enter my life and that I lost eight years to him.

It simply makes no sense how a person can abandon someone they claimed to love — I just can’t wrap my head around it. And I still suffer from awful thoughts of them having sex and partying around town. The other day I had to go into a downtown grocery store and I was trembling I was so afraid I’d run into him or them.

Why is what he did to me so humiliating to me? There’s a double standard and no one would argue with me: when a man flits off with a younger woman he is admired and the woman he left is looked down upon. It’s wrong, unfair, and hurts so badly. For the first time in my life I’m not thrilled I was born female.

I’m tired of feeling this way, so tired of it. I barely write on my favorite website these days because other people’s pain is too much to bear right now. How can I try to cheer up other chumps when, after 18 months, I am still such a wreck. I honestly think that I may never recover from this. I’m not just saying that. I really feel it. This pain is simply too deep and will leave a lasting scar.

I feel as much shame today that I don’t have a partner in life and I may never make love again as I did six months after he dumped me. This just has to stop. The distraction of a job would sure help. Having him leave my town would help.

When I think of the ruined relationships I’ve had in my life (and there have been many) I honestly feel I don’t deserve to find happiness. I made my bed and this is me lying in it. But I can’t help but feel what a shame it is now that I’ve figured some important things out. I do have a lot to offer someone, but I haven’t even seen one man in 18 months who looks interesting. What’s the deal with that? This is what happens when you end up with no friends and do no socializing.

I’m in my bedroom with my door shut and my mom and dad are fighting. This is just like when I was a kid — it’s awful. This is one of the big ones that mom won’t recover from quickly. I suppose it’s better to be alone than to be in a relationship where you hate one another as they do. I just have to keep my head down, try to earn some money, get a job, go to church, take care of myself.

Life is short and it will soon be over. Look for the beauty and help where you can.

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4 responses to “A Broken, Flip Flopping Record

  1. Sorry about your mom and dad! Crazy. Just keep focusing on the positives and how far you’ve come. It has gotten better and will continue to.

  2. Thanks, Cynthia. My heart breaks for them and their dysfunctional relationship.

  3. Hey movingliquid,

    so sorry you are having some “down” days on this painful journey. I probably struggle with the “How can they just move on and never look back?” and “How can there be no remorse for what they have done?” issues as much as anything.

    I think we both know the answer. They are simply hard wired differently than the rest of us. They just don’t care, our pain is not their problem, even though they were the sole cause of it. It is hard to know that we won’t ever get an explanation, or even a real apology.

    When I have a tough day, I try to tell myself to be thankful she is NOT making an effort to lure me into a pick me dance, and that that her not caring a bit actually will probably make the journey easier in the long run.

    I try to remember that every time I have discussed this all I have heard is some variation on the theme of how it really is my fault, and how terrific she is. No remorse, not a shred. Not helpful, so I don’t engage on that.

    Good luck with the job search! Having a demanding, engaging job is truly one of the things that has kept me going.

    • Thanks for the support, Chumpguy. Your comment about being thankful she’s NOT making an effort to lure you back into a pick me dance struck home with me. I’ve often said to myself how lucky I am that he’s not pursuing me, because he did that very well in the past and I always fell for it. I know I’ll be better off w/o him. Thanks for commenting.

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