Last Wednesday, a check for a substantial amount finally came in the mail to me after two years of waiting for it. It was half of the settlement for my husband’s lawsuit. It’s a significant amount, at the same time, if I weren’t careful, I could easily spend it in a year. Also, it’s only a fraction of what I lost due to my affiliation with my husband. He did keep his word to give me half, however. I’ll give him that.
We knew the checks were on their way and when he got his check, a few hours before I got mine, he texted me. Who else would understand what this means after waiting so long? Just one another. He said he thought this deserved some sort of celebration and said we could have a drink together. I said no. But the truth was I felt empty with no one to share this with but I would never subject myself to more humiliation by him.
Why would he want to have a drink with me? For old time’s sake? Why, because young Heather Ann is busy? It gives me the creeps to think about spending time with him even though I still wish things had turned out differently. I am lonely. But I really hate that he pretends he has no one when he absolutely does.
I thought my life would feel different when this money was finally in my account, but it doesn’t feel any different at all. I’ve spent a little, not much. A $40 purse. A couple of blouses, a pair of p.j.s. Things I needed (except the purse). I’m waiting for the full amount to clear and then I’ll transfer a chunk of it to my daughter who needs some desperately, and give some to my parents. My dad doesn’t want it, but I can tell my mom does. Not sure how much they’ll let me give them, but I want to give to them.
I bought a lot of food for us here, but that’s about it. I didn’t contribute to the extra utilities my presence in the house has caused them. This money will help offset those expenses.
But the truth is, I still just need a job. Until I get a job I can’t move out and get on with my life. I’ve applied for two more jobs since the phone interview (I never did hear from her again). And I don’t feel very confident I’ll get either of these two jobs. I should apply for more, but I am still being particular. If I accept a job that’s wrong for me, or doesn’t support me, I will deeply regret it.
As you can imagine, it’s an incredibly busy time of year at church and I’m almost feeling overwhelmed with the meals I’ve promised to help prepare and all the activities coming up at Easter. This coming Tuesday I’ll spend all day in the church kitchen preparing potato and leek soup and Irish soda bread for about 70 people. I’m nervous about it!
I have donated a bit more to the church and their causes this month since I can and I’m glad that I am able to. But the truth is I have to really guard this money so that when I am working, and able to move out of my parent’s home, I will have the extra cash I need to buy things like a couch, a bed, and maybe a TV depending on if I get my TV back from STBX or not.
Oh, and I also need to get my car in for a major tune up. I feel frightened that it will slip through my fingers. It feels weird not to have anyone to share this experience with. I want to be wise with this money.
My husband has thousands and thousands of dollars to pay his friend/landlord and other friend who has loaned him money in the past two years. If he pays them back he won’t be left with much extra, which he needs to sponsor his daughters. He’s sent me the paperwork because I am helping him with this as a parting gift to his girls, not for him. But my god I hate that complex government paperwork. Ugh! It’s horrible. And they should already have all of this info because I already gave it to them when I sponsored HIM! Shit.
But I am certain he’s already bought some special things for his young Heather Ann. My god I really hate that name now.
He tells me he is frantically searching for a job and I wished him well with that even though I really don’t want him settling down here. He told me he can get any job if he can get an interview and I was speechless, since he hasn’t had an interview yet. He told me he was talking on the phone recently with a car dealership, and I’m sorry to say this, I’m not sure how this makes me seem, but I think being a car salesman is, well, not very respectable and even below him — surely a waste of his talents. But again I wished him well. It’s best that he doesn’t stop to think about the odds of him finding work. I hate that I still hurt for him and feel sorry for him — those are the things that kept me with him for so long.
I found his LinkedIn account and it made me sad. Full of lies and exaggerations. He even added “Class President” which I found both hysterical and baffling. Okay, that’s enough about him. I hate when he occupies so much of my thoughts.
I had a great session on Friday with my therapist and talked about being ready to move on and act my age. She seemed thrilled for me and is ready to help me along. She’s undergone extra training to help with trauma and has many ideas. But she’s gone now for several weeks so I’ve got to get by for a bit on my own. Thank goodness for church and the peace I find there. I have to admit that most of the people I’ve met there have felt very genuine. I’m getting a hint of church politics, but a lot of it is talked about in a sort of tongue and cheek way where they seem to be more or less laughing at themselves. They aren’t saints and they know it. As congregations go, this one gets along pretty well.
The main priest is a young man with a young family and I really like him. He just got back from three weeks in Israel/Palestine with his father, a retired bishop, and he seemed changed, then again, I don’t know him that well. But it does seem like he had a profound experience being there. I am finding a home at his church and I’m so grateful for that.
I did meet with a young graphic artist on Saturday and discussed a project I have been considering for some time. He’s going to get back to me about costs and then I’ll go from there.
I have so much extra household goods from all my charity shop sprees that once I move and can see it all, I’ll have hundreds of things to sell on my eBay store. Pretty funny. I would really like to be able to afford a two bedroom apartment if I can.
I’m just rambling. Sorry.