Temperature Check

Interesting times. I’ve noticed that there aren’t very many places I enjoy spending money at here in this town — one of the shortfalls of living in a small/medium sized town. But it’s good for not buying as much. I made one major splurge with my money, a new Dooney & Bourke bag. I did wait for it to be 25% off, but it was still very expensive (for me).

If I had a home I’d be buying stuff for it, so I just need to hold on because with any luck I will be in my own place in a few months.

I sure hope so. There are jobs out there, but they aren’t ones that will sustain me. I wish there were more to apply for.

My daughter is in dire straits financially so I gave her some money. My parents will get their share when the check fully clears. That takes over 1/5th of it right off the top. I have an appointment to have my car checked out on Tuesday — crossing my fingers over that.

For fun I checked out the rental situation and it’s appalling due to the University of Oregon being here. Prices are utterly ridiculous. Good luck finding a ONE BEDROOM for under $700 — it can’t be found Even studio apartments are higher. I actually spent a little bit of time today on the RMLS real estate website today looking to see if I could consider buying. If I had that good full time job, I would look into it. It would appear I could buy a modest two bedroom in a decent part of town and pay about $1000 a month or slightly less depending on interest.

My husband called today to chat about how he wants to get a loan to buy a car. I gave him some advice but then later had to take it back because even if he does have this large check, they probably won’t give him a loan without an income.

When he talks about getting a job my heart absolutely breaks for him. The sympathy I feel knowing that even though he’s “smarter” than I am and eight years younger than I am, I still stand a better chance of getting a job than he does.

I hate that I’m spending a lot of time (these last few days especially), feeling really sorry for him. This is one reason I was reading one of his email accounts (one of many that he has) because it kept me in reality and not feeling sorry for him. When I see what he’s buying for himself and for his young girlfriend, I no longer feel sorry for him.

But I gave that and convenience stores up for Lent. I’m at day 30 and have another ten days to go. It’s been really hard and I don’t think I can keep it up after Lent. Part of me needs to be able to know when he’s lying to me. I guess the other part of me must be a glutton for punishment.

I wonder what’s broken in me that has me feeling terribly sorry for this vulnerable man when he unceremoniously discarded me for another woman. Part of it is he is not American and he doesn’t know how things work here. I can’t help it, my heart is breaking for him. I’d rather be in hate mode than this mode. If he hadn’t cheated I would still be trying to support him.

It’s been an amazingly mild winter here in Oregon and the weather lately has been breathtakingly beautiful. I wish so much I had someone to take a walk with by the river, or have a glass of wine on the patio with.

Supposedly my sister and two of her daughters plus one granddaughter will be here around May 1st for good. I don’t know my sister well, and we are very different people, but I am really looking forward to the company.

The director at the place I volunteer asked me today if I could work a few hours as they make a big transition, I said yes, of course, I’d be happy to. I’m thrilled that she has asked, I only wish there was a full time job there that paid decently. I’m just not qualified for them with no background in social services or law enforcement.

Summation: I’m a bit frustrated, but overall I still feel that I have a great deal to offer an employer and the job I end up with will be the one that is meant for me and we’ll all live happily ever after.

Well, one can dream.


2 responses to “Temperature Check

  1. Don’t feel sorry for him. That’s how he gets everything he wants. He manipulates people into feeling they should give their lives away to support him. You are only bringing up old behavior and thought patterns that did not serve you at all, only him. Be strong, love yourself, be selfish with your money, it’s all you have.

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