I Hope Change is Coming

I can feel a shift coming, a change. It feels a little thrilling and a little frightening.

As you may recall, the one last act I agreed to help my husband with was to postpone the divorce so that “we” can sponsor his daughters. My stepdaughters  are creeping toward 18 and he can’t sponsor them without my  help because he was out of the country for over a year, so his three year waiting period had to start over. Hence he needs my help. In name only, that is.

But from the beginning I told him that I would not do anything illegal (he’s always hovering around illegality). It had to be totally on the up and up and I would need to speak to his immigration attorney to make sure she knew everything about our situation.

Well, he’s already started his dance by telling me I don’t need to talk to her. Then he forwarded to me a long ugly form that I, as the primary sponsor, have to fill out. It’s one of those gruesome forms I remember from when I sponsored him. You’d think the gov’t would keep all these records instead of asking for them again!

But he let it slip that “we” must have an income of $30,000/annually. I laughed and said, “Um, I don’t really have an income.” And he said, “Don’t worry about that. They can’t keep my kids from me.” But there’s no way in hell I’m going to sign paperwork that he sends in for me and have no idea if he’s written inaccurate information on it.

Do I want to get in trouble with immigration? NO.

I know that he loves saying to his family that I’m the one holding up the paperwork so I filled it out very incompletely and emailed it to him and I said, “I want to know how you’re going to handle this income thing. I told you everything has to be proper.”

Yesterday, after 18 months apart I suddenly found myself asking (again), “How could he have done that to me? How?” So I ended with some not very kind words since  I am back to pretty much hating him and not very much feeling sorry for him like I had been.

You’d think I’d get really sick of asking that and never getting an answer.

I suppose the answer is that he’s a conniving, bastard, con man who used me and he feels nothing over causing me immense pain. Nothing at all.

And then over on the Chump Lady website, in the grand scheme of things, my case is not nearly the worst. I don’t have young children, for example.

After I sent my email he texted me “can you talk?” And I wrote back. “No.” And I don’t plant to talk to him.

So this is what I am hoping. I am hoping very much that he will let me off the hook for this immigration thing. After all, if I’m going to insist on talking to his attorney, he is not going to like that. I’m done bending rules for him. I think he’ll love saying, “She (me) won’t help me so now I can’t sponsor my kids!” After all, what can he do with them? He can’t provide for them. He never has been able to.

But I do really, really feel for my youngest step daughter. She’s a good kid and she really, really wants away from the family in London. If I could take her in on my own, I surely would. BUT, then my imagination starts to run wild and I take myself to ugly places such as thinking my stepdaughters are enamored with their daddy’s new young girlfriend and can’t wait to come here to be besties and that I am only being used once again.

I have to tell you having young Heather Ann in this picture is coloring how I am feeling about stuff. That’s not very fair for the girls.

I’m hoping that my STBX will notify me that he will sponsor them on his own and leave me out of it. I will be relieved because I don’t trust him to be above board. But I don’t know what will happen in the long run to my step children. We had eight years together to make this happen and one thing after another got in the way. I paid for almost all of his sponsorship and believe me, that stuff adds up.

If and when he tells me he’ll take care of it on his own, I will begin divorce proceedings asap. I do not want to be married to him any longer.

And, the slightly thrilling news is that there may be a future opening at the place I volunteer at and I’m very excited about that. It won’t be known for a few more months if they can afford to create this position, but I’m going to do everything I can to make myself the one they want if and when the time comes.

I went there over a year ago to volunteer in a very difficult field: child sexual abuse. Not sure what made me go there, but being able to spend 8+ hours a week concentrating on something really different helped me to get out of my own pain, which was so severe when I first began there. Those lovely young women have really embraced me and I feel so lucky and complimented.

During my time there I realized I am not as “weird” as I feared I might be. That I’m likable. That I can still learn. That I am employable. I really needed to know that since I haven’t worked for pay for about 10 years.

My therapist likes to remind me of what I have done for myself and I should do that now and then, too. I did go volunteer. I did find a church and commit myself to it. I’ve worked hard in therapy. I don’t think anyone would say I’m not trying.

I’m feeling really grateful right now.

Pissed at my STBX and what he did to me.

But really grateful that I am me and not him.


Later on.

If you read my last post about my mother, here’s another doozy that just happened.

I wrote out the check to her today for $2,000 and I put it on the counter and said, “I went to the bank and the check has cleared. I went to put the money in [daughter’s] account and here’s your check.Don’t sit on it; put it in the bank right away.”

My dad, I think, said, “Thank you” or “okay” And my mom may have said something too, I wasn’t really paying attention. And I said, “You’re welcome.” All while I was walking back to my room.

An hour later mom comes to me holding the check and says, “Honey, can you afford to give this to us?”

I said, “What? Yes. I knew this check wouldn’t really be life changing. I’ve got my feet on the ground. I’ve planned for it.”

And she said, “Well, I’m not going to take it then.”

I said, “What? You’re somehow going to make me feel bad about this?”

She said, “Well honey, you just set it on the counter and walked away. You didn’t hand it to me or anything. And you said something about cashing it.”

I said, “Mom, I just wanted you to cash it and not sit on it for a week, that’s all. I want to know my bank balance.”

She kept arguing with me. Finally I said, “Mom, I don’t want to do this.” And she walked away.

Can you fucking believe her? She can ruin the first time I can pay towards my keep for 18 months (besides food). I am so glad I can do it and she’s making me feel like crap about it. But you’ll recall from my last post that I felt like she locked me into the $2,000 in a way that was kind of tacky.

I wonder if that’s why she came at me from that direction. That she knows what she did was a little manipulative.

My god she’s a piece of work. I can’t believe she has managed to make this a scene.




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