Easter week is really busy, at church, man! I can only imagine that the priests might want to take the rest of the month off to recuperate. This week I’ll be at the church 5 out of 7 days and I love it.
To people who have gone to church all their lives it’s probably not as riveting as it is to me. But I haven’t been to church since I was about 14 years old, and I’m new to the Episcopal traditions — it’s a big learning curve. But no one cares if you get it wrong, they don’t seem to notice.
I learned about Advent this year, something I never paid attention to before, and as you know I had my first Lent practice this year. Yesterday, Maundy Thursday, they stripped the alter. The crosses have been covered for a month. They are asking us to leave in silence. It’s a somber but beautiful time of year. Went to my first Good Friday noon mass today and the clergy were in black. No decoration anywhere. Everyone is waiting and pondering.
Tomorrow night is another mass at 8 p.m. I don’t know what it will be like. Then on Sunday, Easter, I predict the church will come alive with flowers and beauty and we will be able to sing songs that include “Hallelujah” again, which we have not said since Lent started.
But I’m a novice at this stuff so if you’re curious about the Episcopal Church, don’t learn from me! I’m just happy to be experiencing this whole year of firsts. I love the staff and so far love the parishioners I’ve met. I feel I’ve come home. I’m glad I finally went after months of saying I wanted to go there.
I sat with my therapist today for the first time in several weeks and told her about my moral quandary — to sponsor my STBX stepdaughters or not. Because everyone tells me, “You don’t owe him a thing.” And I know that, but I want to know what my motivations are for not sponsoring them.
First, I want to make sure it’s not going to get me in trouble that I’m doing this when I have no plans to stay married to him. I’m also not sure if it makes me responsible for them in some way. I’m not worried about that, really — one daughter would like to come here, the other one won’t come until her grandmother can sell her house and move to the US which will probably be never.
But my husband has no income and there are minimum income requirements and presently we do not meet them. I don’t want him misrepresenting our earnings and making me part of a lie.
He’s told me on several occasions, “I’ve got to take care of this immigration shit to get my mom off my back about it.”
You’d think he’d care about it because he cares for his daughters and wants the best for them. But if he felt that way then I suspect he would have had a hand in raising them, which he really hasn’t, unless you count hours a day on FaceTime.
So, back to me sponsoring (or not sponsoring) them. What if they are already tight with Heather Ann (the other woman)? Doesn’t that just make me look like a horrible fool? Again? Chumped all over again?
But should it matter to me if they are or are not close with their dad’s girlfriend? It’s not their fault he dumped me when my money ran out. I shouldn’t punish them for what he did.
At the same time the girls and I go longer and longer without communication and I don’t think that’s going to change. In fact I can see us eventually losing contact. On one hand that’s a bit of a relief, on the other hand I would like to know how they fare. I’ve often thought that if I could get on my feet, the younger daughter, the one who connects with me, could come live with me. But that would mean occasionally seeing or hearing from (or about) her dad and worse, Heather Ann or whomever the current OW is.
I don’t need to torture myself any longer.
I’ve expressed real concern with him and he knows I am starting to get cold feet about this. He has a meeting with his immigration attorney on the 8th so I hope he gets some answers then. I told him in an email last week that if he can sponsor the girls after he’s been here for three years, then that’s just 9 months away. Not long in the scheme of things. Then he could do it without any help from me
I’ve written to avvo.com (a legal advice website) to see if anyone will tell me why I might want to seriously consider NOT sponsoring them. I want to know how this might affect me and my own future.
I’m hoping I can get advice from a lawyer who will tell me in no uncertain terms that I should not sponsor them. Then I can write to my STBX and tell him the legal reasons why I can’t do it. Don’t know if I’ll get that lucky though. I might just have to tell him I don’t want to do it on general principle and because he’s a manipulative asshole who is continuing to use me.
Then I feel like he’ll badmouth me further, yet why would I care? Who do I know that he knows? Pretty much no one. If I decide to tell him I can’t participate in their sponsorship then I will really feel less connected to him. I’d go to the courthouse the very next day and file the dissolution paperwork.
The only other bit of information I wanted to relay is that since Christmas I’ve become a Bach freak — yes, J.S. Bach. I’ve purchased four or five albums from iTunes and lately found myself humming or whistling these complicated, epic numbers from the Passion of St. John or St. Matthew, or the Cantatas, or B Minor Mass.
Bach was fiercely devout and I usually buy his works where the vocals are in German because when sung in English the magic goes away for me — I don’t really want or need to know the words. It’s the depth, passion which captivate me the most. It’s all about feeling it. And there are a few numbers which just might be the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. Here’s one that brings me to tears:
Happy Easter to those who celebrate. Or Passover. Or Norouz. Or just happy spring.