A Moment of Sincerity with the STBX

I’m pretty anxious that I’ll never find that full time job I need and therefore never move out of my parent’s house and be independent. I’m trying hard to remember that I’ve come along way in 18 months and to trust that things will fall into place as they have been.

I sent that email to my STBX about sponsoring his daughters and he called me back as soon as he read it. He was quite alarmed and said if I can’t help him he has no way to sponsor them. I asked him why he couldn’t have his girlfriend do it and he said “that can’t happen.” He’s careful to never actually mention her.

The next day we had a talk that I feel closes some doors and helps me on my way to meh. Although these days I’m thinking “meh” is not what I want. Meh sounds too light and silly. I just want closure and to not yearn for him any longer.

We spoke and I said that he had some gall asking me to do this for him after the way he discarded me. He tried several times to say I am not without fault and that he just couldn’t take it any more. I said, “I have fault. I have a ton of fault. I’m talking about the way you discarded me. Someone you supposedly loved. Someone you had been through so much with.”

Eventually we had two or three minutes of a conversation where I was crying and I think he was too. He said he has a lot of remorse and he is sorry. When he started sounding pompous or like he was lying I would say, “Stop. Don’t do that. Be genuine with me.” And he got back on track.

To this day he won’t admit he was with Heather Ann before we split up. Absurd that he insists on that when I know with 100% certainty that he was. I guess some things are just too hard to face up to.

I told him that it just feels like further humiliation for me to be asked to help sponsor his daughters when they already have a new relationship with my replacement. He started to talk about how much they love me and again I said, “Stop. It’s not about whether they love me. We are communicating less and less these days and we may someday lose track of one another. My point is they are good kids who never did anything to hurt me and for that reason I would help them if I could.”

The next day he called to say he is going to approach their sponsorship a different way and try to remove me from the equation. I told him that was great and I wished him luck.

I felt that for a few fleeting moments in the last day or two that I could see the part of him who is actually a decent and loving man. I have to remind myself how duplicitous he is, and highly suspect that if I were to read his email (which I haven’t since before Lent) that I would find he’s buying Heather Ann gifts and making all sorts of ridiculous purchases and plans.

But he told me he is at his wits end, as always. How the money he got is not enough to pay back people for all he borrowed. How he doesn’t know how he’d care for the girls even if he could get them here. How he is a loser.

I am aware that I’m only seeing the part of the puzzle that he wants me to see, but I was still grateful for having a few moments of relative honesty and closeness with him. I assured him that I didn’t want him back but it was nice to see a glimpse of the man I know he is inside. In short we were basically tender with one another.

I feel so sorry for him. He’s aware that he’s not provided for his kids or his two wives and that he is looked at as a loser. He wears this pompous outside shell, but on good days he knows he has failed.

The good news is that even those calls made me feel a bit melancholy, they didn’t really depress me or make me want him back. Those days are over. And yesterday I re-read my diary from our last year in London and it reminded me that there’s no going back after his very ill treatment of me, not to mention his relationship with Heather Ann.

Yesterday I was at the courthouse at 8 a.m. for my volunteer job and spent four hours with advocates over there who help people who come in for protection orders. It’s part of just trying to get an overall feel of how the legal system works. Later this week I’ll be going to a sentencing.

My supervisor got the job she applied for which opened her position. The receptionist took her old position. They will soon be needing to hire a new front desk person. They have already indicated to me that they could use my help as they transition.

I don’t want to get stuck with a low paying front desk job, but if I get an inkling it could lead to something better, such as the case manager position they hope to create, then I would take it. My fear is that the front desk position will only pay $12 or so an hour and I can’t live on that.

But I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I was going through the lengthy process to apply for a position at the UO this weekend when I realized that the position would be too much for me physically. It is hard to admit, but I know they’d look at me and think, she’s too old for such a position, walking from one part of the campus to another, always on the go. I’ll finish filling it out, but don’t feel at all hopeful about getting an interview.

I guess if I can get this job at the place I volunteer it will be a good transitional move for me. I’ll get used to working 8s-5p five days a week and I won’t have to get used to new names, I just need to learn the job. I don’t know who else might be interested in the position. I know they like me a lot but they also like some of their other volunteers.

If the job is offered to me I will not say no.

I was so active the last ten days at church and I miss it. The Easter services were really amazing. Even the vicar said he thought the Saturday night service was more beautiful and moving than it had been to him in years. Probably because he went to Israel in January and has been invigorated. Maybe he’s seeing things through new eyes like I am.

Even though feeling sorry for my  husband is more painful that detesting him, I’d rather feel sorry for him. One thing I’ve learned about myself in the last few days is that I can’t hate him — it’s not who I am. I won’t forgive him, don’t get me wrong. What he did to me is inexcusable and reprehensible. But if I allowed myself to be consumed by hatred for him then I lose.

Nothing has changed for him. I found out his parents did sell their house and paid for two years of rent and moved with the girls to a new apartment. That his mom is taking the rest of the money to buy a home in Iran. I said, “So once again they didn’t send any money your way after all they’ve done for your sister?” He said he doesn’t want their money and he isn’t speaking to them. So it’s the same ol’ same ol’ with him and his family. So glad not to be in the midst of that.

I also know that I can’t assume he’s telling me the truth about them not giving him some money. He’s a highly secretive man.

While my heart hurts for him and his girls I am removed from it and will not let it consume me. I have my own life and goals now and they don’t include him. I think having those few moments of sincerity with him was good for me at this phase of my recovery.

It’s tense here at my parent’s house because they have been preparing for an appraisal which will happen tomorrow. If the amount comes to more than they owe on their loan they can refinance and get a loan which is $175 lower per month than it is now. If they can reduce their mortgage payment that much then they can afford to stay here because it would cost them the same to just rent a place. I pray, pray, pray that the number is what they need. My mom’s mood will be horrific if it isn’t.

Crossing fingers, eyes, and saying a prayer to the appraisal gods.


2 responses to “A Moment of Sincerity with the STBX

  1. Just a quick “Heyyyyyy… what now?!” re: STBX and repulsive guilt-tripping/gaslighting.

    “The next day he called to say he is going to approach their sponsorship a different way and try to remove me from the equation.”

    No, no, no… he tried to make you feel guilty on the phone, by using your love for his girls (which he KNOWS), squeezed out some tears and a quivering voice, and then made it SEEM like he’s going to get YOU out of a bad situation? HECK NO.

    First off, it’s not YOUR equation anymore… he made you co-sponsoring the girls a legal impossibility when he took off with Whorrity Ann. Secondly, YOU have confirmed that you will not being committing fraud to help HIM with HIS problem. Yet, he still expected you to. Now that you have made it known that you will not? He *may not* take credit for it. What’s he going to do? Call you up – having done absolutely nothing (because that would require him to make an effort, which he just doesn’t do) – and somehow make you feel grateful to him when he says that he got you “out of it?” LOL! He doesn’t need to “try” to get you out of it… you simply ARE out of it. You already did that, by saying NO.

    I can sound happy or sad easily, on the phone. All you do is make the correct facial expression and keep your voice within the confines of the sounds your mouth will make with that expression on… you’re taught this in sales and customer service training. “I can’t hear you smiling!! I can hear you smirking – stop! They’re going to hear that too!”

    He will actually do NOTHING – and of course, NOTHING will go forward – and then let you know that he “got you out of it” and wait for his pat on the back/head rub. For.doing.NOTHING. As usual. And no doubt, he will tell everyone else that it’s YOUR fault the girls can’t come here, not that his actions made it legally IMPOSSIBLE for you to do so, even if you had a MASSIVE income.

    • I totally hear you and I agree. But the part of the conversation where he was being sincere with me was unrelated to the sponsorship stuff. I was glad for that moment and know that I may never see it again, and I’m okay with that. And yeah, I’m sure he knows EXACTLY what to say to pull at my heart strings and manipulate me, but I didn’t try to prop him up or encourage him, I just let him whine to me for a few moments. I tried to tell him over the years, “Wherever you go, there you are.” I guess he doesn’t understand the concept. I guess when you’re a narcissist you don’t feel you have to examine your life and change yourself. I suspect he will not be able to find a way to sponsor them because no matter which route he takes he doesn’t have the income unless he can get a job, and that’s pretty unlikely — and I sure has heck won’t help him in that capacity.


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