I’ve been going in to the office full time since Monday, but on Monday I was just a warm body at the desk because the woman who is training me was out. So, so far I’ve been in training two days — and omg, it’s pretty awful.
I’m being far, far too hard on myself because this is a job with so many details that no one, whether 57 or 27 can learn it fast. I’m being way too apologetic. I need to shut up and just keep doing my best. So many totally unfamiliar computer programs, so much redundancy, and since I was thrown in to the middle I’m not seeing the big picture, the life of a case. So tomorrow I’m going to ask her to back up a bit and present it in order for me.
My alarm is set for 6am and I’m there by 8am. Last night I was in bed by 9:30 — so exhausted, and I managed to dream about it. But I’ve told everyone that right now I need to eat well, sleep well, and concentrate on this job — not on my divorce, not on my apartment to-be, nothing else. The good news is that physically I’m fine (other than not being able to poop whenever it’s handy. LOL!)
I’m seeing, as expected, some cattiness and talking behind people’s back. I don’t like that and I’m surprised at the people who are doing it. I’m going to take extra effort not to do it and not to take sides as they are.
I know that within months they’ll be very, very glad to have me in that position and they may just want to keep me there and not offer me the other position, but meanwhile I’m feeling terribly insecure. I’m a bit of a perfectionist and it’s hard for me to feel incompetent.
The lovely young woman training me is very patient, but she’s not the greatest teacher. I, on the other hand, am a very good teacher. She’s not making it easy for me to grasp.
Tonight I came home and announced to my parents that I fear they’re going to give up on me. But now that I’ve eaten and calmed down, I will go in tomorrow and learn some more. I need to zip my lip and not give them any ideas that I’m not capable.
The young women I work with are fairly freshly graduated from college and they have so much self esteem and are such quick learners.
An upside to being busy this week is not spending much time on the computer at home. I’ve spent far too many hours at this screen for years and years and years and I need a life. My eBay store sales have crawled to a stop and I don’t care.
Today we toured the Mission in this town and it blew my mind. They serve hundreds of homeless people a day and they don’t get one penny from the government. Everything is from donations — they don’t even do fundraising! And they do it well and it’s clean, and they treat the people who come there with dignity. They work with a ton of community agencies to try to get people out of there and into their own place.
The woman who gave us the tour today said, “Frankly, the fact that this works as well as it does is a miracle.”
For a community our size our homeless population is larger than other comparable towns, and that’s probably because the services here are pretty good, if you’re willing to stay off drugs and alcohol. It was a beautiful thing to see.
Today I had to remind myself of all I’ve lived through, not just the last 18 months since my husband and I separated, not just since I met him, but for so, so long before that. I reminded myself that I am a fighter and because of that I will not give up.
Now that I am in a paid position (which I hope will become permanent) I feel tremendous gratitude for the privilege of going to work every day. Only when you’ve found that no one will interview you and no one will hire you do you appreciate how lucky you are to work.