I’ve been on the job for two weeks. That first week was really rough and now I feel embarrassed by how panicked I was. I fear that they are all wondering what they’ve gotten into with me.
To be fair, while my trainer was very patient, she didn’t teach me in a sequential manner so I was forced to figure that out on my own. She was really eager to begin learning her own new job. I’ve got the gist of the job now, although I’ll be fine tuning it for months.
I am pretty sure I’m overreacting, which is my way. I wish I could see my therapist, but I doubt I’ll ever get to see her again. I’m not about to ask for time off for that.
The truth is I’m just so oversensitive and hard on myself, and it can be very annoying for others to be around, as I’m sure you can relate by how I write here. These are deep family of origin issues having to do with insecurity and lack of confidence. After all, I feel I actually did learn the job quite quickly.
The director seems to like me and I feel now that my deer in the headlights fear has subsided, that my co-workers will remember why they liked me enough to hire me. I have to keep telling myself that.
This has been challenging, to set my alarm every day at 6am — to function at work even though I’m not sleeping enough. In my early days as an office worker I was a receptionist and I really disliked it, although I was good at it. I don’t like to be the one running for the phone while others are doing what they want to do. But I decided months ago that if I got work I would remove my ego from the equation and that is what I’m trying to do. I have to become self sufficient.
I tried to communicate with my husband this week, to see if he’d meet me at the courthouse to get our divorce started. He was twitchy about it and lied to me — I feel bad for him for being such a liar when the truth would work just as easily. I texted him that I could do it on my own and have him served and he said how dare I talk about something as insulting as having him served.
I’m going to start the divorce next week come hell or high water in fact the sooner the better because I’m fearful he’ll ask me to delay it. He’s having difficulty in his citizenship case. He’s having to prove where he was and what he did for the last three years and guess what? Those years of not contributing to society, living off of me, having nothing, not even an income tax return or a cable bill in his name to show for it — it’s all coming back to haunt him. It’s as though my guardian Uncle Sam Angel is serving him some karma.
My father says good — that whatever ill comes to him it is what he deserves and more.
But I feel sorry for him because his life is so pathetic.
I wonder if he ever stops and considers that all his problems are because of decisions he made — no one else, just him. Does he stop to think how he didn’t contribute to our living expenses? No, he is only aware that he’s been asked for information that he is unable to provide, therefore it must be stupid and unnecessary.
I don’t know what will happen. It’s not like they’ll ask him to leave the country. He’s here legally. He’ll just have to postpone citizenship until he can prove he can take care of himself. And to be completely honest, he can’t unless he finds another chump like me. He is very industrious so I believe he can and will find her.
That is why I want to start the divorce and get it to a point of no return so that he can’t ask me to postpone it or do him some kind of favor. If I say no, he says I’m selfish and unreasonable. How ridiculous is that? And why do I care what he thinks of me? Why would I feel any loyalty towards him or that I “owe” him anything at all?
For so long I didn’t want to piss him off because of the court case and even now I’m hesitant to do so because all my furniture is in his house. Here I am feeling sorry for him, but if I walked into his apartment and saw that he is actually cohabiting with his 27 year old girlfriend, I’d stop feeling sorry for him fast. That was the good part about reading his email — it kept me really pissed at him. But I stopped reading his email as of Lent and as much as I am tempted to see what he’s buying and planning and how he’s trying to cheat on the woman he cheated on me with, I will refrain.
It’s beneath me and it hurts me, so I won’t.
It’s interesting to me that I’ve only missed two Sundays at church since November. One for being out of town, and one when I was sick. I look forward to it so much. And now, as I berate myself for being so high strung last week I just turn to God and ask for some relief. Just asking usually distracts me enough and I find myself thinking, ‘for god’s sake, give yourself a break.’
When I stand, sit, and kneel at church and read, sing, and recite I believe what I am saying and it feels real to me. I wanted to believe for so long, but I had been with people who thought it was silly and I’m grateful to have God and my church in my life. Last Saturday I was there from 8am to 11:30am, chopping, cooking, serving, and cleaning up at the Saturday breakfast for the homeless. It is a very surreal experience because the people we see are the ones that are too high or too mentally ill, or both, to go to the Mission and have a warm bed and three square meals a day.
So I looked into the various eyes and toothless faces of 300 very poor or homeless last Saturday and it certainly puts things into perspective. Even though we fill their plates very high, they sneak back in line for seconds and horde stuff and fill their belongings with extra food. Who can blame them.
Some seem grateful, most are just living in hell and are hungry. The woman who runs it asked me if I had a waffle iron and I told her my mother did. She said she wants to make them waffles in the coming weeks. She’s awesome.
Then I saw her in church the next day during the “peace” part and instead of shaking my hand, she hugged me. I felt like I was being appreciated and that I belonged. It felt really good. I’m so glad I had the time to volunteer there and get to know some folks.
There’s another woman who is about my age. She has a partner but he doesn’t go to church, and she has an adult daughter like me. We’ve promised to sit next to one another at the upcoming Cinco de Mayo dinner and I think it’ll be good for me to be sitting down and eating and socializing rather than doing all the cooking and cleaning up.
It’s taken me a while, but I’m finding like minded people. I’m hopeful that things will keep moving along.
I saw an add on Craigslist for a one bedroom, one bath in a really great part of town for only $650. My parents went with me tonight after work to meet the landlord. She immediately told me that she’s probably already rented it. So I just turned and walked out. The place smelled like mildew. Her ad stating “new floors, new windows, and new appliances” must have been written ten years ago. There was nothing new in that place.
So I’ll keep looking. I’ll probably end up in a large complex, and that’s okay too. To be honest I’m fearful about whether I can afford to live on my own.
It is pretty amazing that except for several hundred dollars that I blew when I got the settlement money, I haven’t gone wild buying stuff. I did give quite a bit of it to my daughter and my parents, so I’m worried about how to make the rest of it last.
I got paid today and I haven’t even stopped to look at how much money I got for five days of work. They had to mail me my check because the first one is not direct deposited, so I haven’t even seen it!
I went to the mall for a little bit tonight to try to find an outfit or two. I hate how I’m dressing lately. I seem to be showing cleavage and I really do not like that. I didn’t see anything I liked, however. Because I’ve gained back so much weight.
I’m so tired and looking forward to having NOTHING to do tomorrow. I sure hope I can sleep in just a little! I feel with a little rest I won’t feel quite so down on myself.
As always, thanks for being here.