Sick, Again. A Big Fight with STBX.

I’m afraid.

I can’t get well. I get sick over and over and over again, and I tried so hard to stay at work until 5pm today and I couldn’t. I fear that now that things are falling into place I will just get sick and die.

I feel that at 57 it’s foolish to think I could rise out of anything. After all, how many years do I have left to work? What can I accomplish in that time?

I’m so sorry. I know I’m supposed to be happy.

If I bend over my entire head throbs very painfully. I cough constantly. My nose drips constantly, and this has been going on for months and months and months. I try to work through it. I try to ignore it. I buy allergy meds and I buy cold meds, I do the Neti pot, but nothing helps. Several months ago I saw my doctor again and she finally wrote out a prescription for antibiotics. They didn’t help.

She did blood work and nothing showed up.

I feel like a loser. I’m frightened. I don’t want to miss work. I don’t want to feel crummy every single day.

And I got very, very upset with my soon to be ex husband yesterday.

First, keep in mind how he ruined me financially and then found a 26 year old to fuck and then dumped me. Okay.

He’s having trouble with his citizenship paperwork. He’s been calling me and texting me and emailing me so I busted my butt trying to help him find one single piece of paper from 2012 showing he was even here in the States. I finally found ONE thing, he was on the loan I took out on my house. Of course he never helped me pay back the loan, I paid it off with plenty of interest, but it does show that hey, he was here in the USA.

So the other day I go to the courthouse and get some instruction on what should be a simple divorce with nothing to fight over. I sent him a text explaining my plan and tell him that I hope to be moving out soon and I will need to take a walk through of “our” apartment so that I can see what is still there.

Not long after he kicked me out, he stopped letting me come inside. I knew it was because she had moved in — my pillow was still warm. So I brought dozens of plastic bins over and said, “Pack my stuff up.” And he did. And I brought more bins and more bins, but I was not able to open each bin up and do any kind of an inventory of what he was packing. I always said, “You can’t expect me to know what’s there when I haven’t been in there for months.”

18 months now.

I told him which of MY furniture he could keep if he wanted it, and told him what I’d be picking up. Then I said I wanted the TV.

He said, no. He wants the TV.

Then we screamed over one another for about a minute and I hung up because he started to insult me. He called me back, but I didn’t answer.

After I calmed down I wrote this to him:

You have always called me materialistic, but your greed knows no bounds. I don’t expect you to ever understand — you’re a narcissist and narcissists are so entitled they can’t put themselves in other people’s shoes. I left you with a house filled with food, spices, and a full refrigerator. Cleaning supplies, brooms, pots, pans — you have no idea of the cost of those things. You don’t have to go out and stock a kitchen, or buy a bed, couch, and table. I do — God knows I’ve done it often enough with you. And you want to bicker about a television. A TV that I bought. I’ve lost track of the dvd players I’ve bought.

After I busted my ass trying to get you the paperwork you needed to be successful on Monday in Portland. You are clueless. I feel sorry for you.

I do not want to step foot into that shit hole of an apartment and see how you and your whore live. I’ll pick my furniture up from the front lawn and be out of your hair in three minutes.

You will never understand that you are not owed ANYTHING, because, thanks to my association with you, I now have NOTHING. I will stop trying to explain it to you since you simply can’t seem to grasp it even though it is simple math. There is no 50/50 since you conned me. And you’ll never grasp that everything you have is thanks to me, including your lawsuits.

I want to interact with you from now on as little as humanly possible and hopefully never on the phone again. I’ve had enough of your insults and threats. I don’t need to speak to you regarding the pending lawsuits. I can deal directly with [lawyer].

I have the divorce paperwork and will fill it out. Then we’ll meet at a notary. The next day I’ll take it to the courthouse and within an hour we’ll be divorced.

The fee for the divorce is $273. Be prepared to give me half of that on the day we meet at the notary.

I’m telling you right now: don’t ask me for any more favors. I’m done helping you.

Don’t lecture me on how to label my emails.

And lastly, don’t tell me what you said to me that last night. I wrote it down verbatim before I took the overdose. Don’t revise history, [name].

The contact and disagreement with him has thrown me into yet another depression. No contact is the ONLY way to deal with this type of human being. That last paragraph, by the way was in response to him telling me not to label my emails “divorce” because it was crass or something. So this email I titled: “D.I.V.O.R.C.E.” just to be ornery.

The last comment was in reference to him saying I left him when I tried to commit suicide. I said, “No. You stood in the doorway to the bedroom and said, ‘Either you go or I go.’ And then you left for the bar and I wrote in my journal every word you said and then I took the overdose.”

I need to stop ever expecting him to behave in a humanlike way. He will never be sorry. He will never admit what he did was cruel and wrong. He will always blame me and others.

I really wanted to go read his email account so that I could get filled with more rage and hatred for him, then I quickly remembered that it would only hurt me.

NO CONTACT is the only way to deal with these monsters.

I’ll get my furniture, I’ll move out, and I’ll divorce him. Then I hope to never see his face or hear his voice ever again.

Why did I try to help him in the first place? Because I’m a decent human being, I guess, or just a chump.

But I will no longer help him in any capacity. I am done.

As far as what I hope to accomplish by beginning to rebuild my life at 57, well, at least I’m not 58 yet. I will put this in the hands of God, because it’s way too big of a concern for me.

If you have any thoughts on how I can build up my immunity and get well, I’d really appreciate it.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

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7 responses to “Sick, Again. A Big Fight with STBX.

  1. I do! It’s awful but I completely stopped responding to cold/sinus/allergy meds at 17.

    2000mg of Vitamin C.
    50mg of B12
    400mg of Magnesium (will say “with chelated Zinc”)
    A prenatal vitamin

    Every day, between dinner and bedtime.

    My hormones even out, my lethargy dramatically decreases, and it’s hard to get me sick on that much Vit C.

    Our PCP had me do the following for the perma-cold/infection/pressure in my head/sinuses/cheeks/neck/shoulders. This is the part that hurts, Get one of those baby snot-suckers (new, obviously lol) and put 1T of lime juice into 1T of warm water… make it stronger – yes, right down to straight lime juice – if you need it. Roll your head back and squeeze that solution right up into your nostril and then plug your nose. It’s a mess. You’ll be a teary, drippy, coughing, snotting mess. It’s going to burn its way through and out of everything. Nose, sinuses, mouth, throat, tear ducts. But you can feel and HEAR everything breaking apart. Do that for each nostril, no more than two sets/day, until you’re clear.

    I don’t know if you’ve ever smoked weed but the holding it in sensation is similar… hold your head back and keep that nostril shut just a bit longer than you’re comfortable doing.

  2. Wow, Insistonhonesty, that lime juice thing is outrageous, but I’ll try it and the rest. Tell me this, is it fresh lime juice? I assume you strain it?

    Thanks for your suggestions!

  3. Fresh, strained lime juice is the strongest, yes… but bottled will get the job done too.

    He initially advised saline but it was too weak. So he moved it to the lime juice/warm water mixture. Still too weak… straight did the trick.

  4. I’ve never been sick like that, so I don’t know what to do. Take vitamins and look for some natural immune-boosters, but I don’t know what that would be. Maybe the summer, warmer weather will help. I have to say that since I run and exercise, I’ve gotten sick a lot less often or severe!

  5. I’ve been prone to sinus problems all my life and it got really bad when I was swimming nearly every day. Rather than deal with it, I just kept swimming until I couldn’t stand the idea of putting my head under the water again! So it’s been very bad since then, with only a few days of relief here and there. I’ve seen the doctor at least twice about it, but got no relief.

    I’ve been having cereal with regular low fat milk for a while now in the mornings because I don’t have time for a better breakfast. I know that cow’s milk can really wreck havoc on people’s sinuses so I’m going to stop that for a couple of weeks and see if there’s any change there.

    I’m also going to buy a room humidifier today and a few supplements that might help with immunity. I’ve got to figure this out — I’m very tired of feeling crummy all the time.

    So glad to hear you’re still keeping up with running, Cynthia. I keep saying as soon as I move to my own place and have my own schedule that I’ll begin an exercise regime and go back to healthier eating. I need to stop with the excuses and just do it!

    xox

  6. ML, I am sorry you are not feeling well. AND your wasband, he is just a mean liability at this point. You do not owe him any further kindness, he could not be bothered to reciprocate for you…
    Maybe this being sick is all related to the lingering stress of still being married. I think that once the divorce is complete, you will be relieved of that ongoing stress and have more personal energy to be healthier.
    Avoiding dairy could help you with your sinuses. Coconut milk is very palatable and it has anti inflammatory properties, you may want to try some…
    Oh, Hoxy Red Clover tincture works wonderfully at drying out sinuses.
    Some of the supplements I like:
    5HTP it increases serotonin levels (be careful on dosing with vitamin B)
    L-Theanine really puts the lid on anxiety and it is made from green tea leaves
    B vitamins are a really good pick me up and they are not fat soluble so you can take loads.
    Vitamin D can you get your blood levels taken and try some supplementing (this is fat soluble, so too much of this can be dangerous)
    Ashwaganda really helps me relax at night and use my vital energy more effectively during the day
    Phosphatidyl serene helps regulate cortisol under stress
    Glutamine (given to chemo patients) helps your gut more effectively absorb nutrients and those supplements can cost money
    Chlorella freshwater algae and it is like getting a super green salad first thing in the morning
    Fish Oil good for mood
    I also buy Ultra Hair shake as it is super B vitamin rich and helps pick me up in the morning.
    Sorry if this is overwhelming. I have honed my supplements with a medical doctor over the past ten years and it has helped me with my health issues and mood.
    I am sending you loads of positive energy as you transition through the divorce and final details with STBX. Just keep stepping forward into your new life one step at a time!

    • ENM, wow, I’m so impressed with your knowledge of supplements! I’m going to print your post out and start exploring what you have shared. THANK YOU.

      I feel as though I’ve turned the corner (again) with my cold, but will be so so glad when I feel decent again.

      I’ve decided I will get my last furniture and possessions from him and then immediately file the divorce paperwork. I don’t want to do it before hand or he might get vindictive with my stuff.

      After that I will be FREE! And I agree with you that between the new job and stress of my STBX it was doing me in. But not for long — and I can’t wait for the day when I can say to him that I never want to see him or hear his voice again.

      Thanks so much for your encouragement. Kiss your birdies for me.

      xox

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