Going off Antidepressants. Dealing with Anxiety and Drama.

Pretty amusing for me to announce I’d fly to Germany for a long weekend, isn’t it? Well, after spending weeks looking for a one bedroom apartment I’d feel safe in I realized I’ll end up paying at least $750 per month for rent. If I add $200 to that I could be paying a mortgage.

So I’ve contacted a real estate agent to see what I can find out. The problem, of course, is that I don’t have the income to buy where I’d like to buy. I looked at a fixer upper near my parent’s house and decided it needed far too much work than I was willing to do or pay for.

My parent’s home is the nicest home in their neighborhood. I’d rather buy the crummiest home in the best neighborhood. My god it took years for the value of their house to return to what it had been. In a better neighborhood that would not have been the case. I think I need to meet with a loan person to find out what I can actually afford.

Years ago, the first house I ever bought in Oregon with my good husband was very modest, but in a great neighborhood. I’m not sure why he thought we should sell and buy a new home, but in hindsight it was a mistake. We moved to a brand new home in a brand new tract way on the icky side of town. I hated that drive every day into town. And the house did not hold it’s value.

That tiny two bedroom one bath would have continued to work for us. We could have put some money into it. We bought it in about 1992 for $58,000. About seven years later we sold it for $99. Now in 2015 if it came on the market, it’d probably be about $180,000 – 200,000. We should have kept it. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

But that’s what I want. A small, dry, two bedroom, one bath that doesn’t require anything other than cosmetic stuff. But I don’t know if I can even afford that. I wonder if I can get a second job.

My parents have been in their home for ten years. Between the recession and refinancing it several times, they have zero equity. ZERO. That’s what happens when you buy the best house in a crummy neighborhood.

We’ll see. The main issue is that my parents might not want me living here as I save and search for a house. I’ll talk to them about it and see.

I’m very, very jittery lately. I have been on a high dose of Welbutrin since before my soon to be ex cheated on me and discarded me. I’ve wanted to go off of it for some time and tried to, but was having some withdrawal side effects and even vomited. I finally called the doctor and she prescribed a short weaning off dose, half the strength for ten days and then quit.

So I’m wondering if I feel wound up because of that or because of house searching or what. I can usually handle my mother but right now it’s very, very hard. I don’t know what’s going on.

I ran into soon to be ex at a shopping center. My first instinct was to pull away the minute our eyes met, but he walked to my window and wanted to chat. I kept the car running but we did talk for about 15 or 20 minutes. Then I left. After that I felt weird and sad.

Two days later I’m downtown and fearing I’ll run into him again but this time with his 27 year old girlfriend. Over the 18 months since we separated I have often texted him to ask if he was somewhere because of my fear of running into him with her. So I texted him and said, “Are you at [place]?” He then calls me. I didn’t want him to call me FFS.

He says, “What am I supposed to do? Do you want to sue me and have me thrown out of town?” I thought that would be a good idea, but a waste of money paid to an attorney since one just can’t do that. I said, “I just hate that I have to share this town with you.” So we start yelling over the phone at each other, talking over one another. I’m sure I’m saying things about his “stupid whore” etc. I don’t even know what he’s saying. I hang up on him and try to get on with my shopping. Then I call him back and say, “Why is it so hard for you to just write, Yes or No, when you see my text about whether you are at the same place I am? You didn’t need to call me. Why can’t you give me that tiny peace of mind?”

He said he would. But he was mad. He said when he talks to me his blood pressure skyrockets and how would I like it if he just hopped on a plane and left town? And then there’d be no more money. What would I do then? I wanted to say to him that I didn’t care about his pending lawsuits and I wasn’t counting on them making a difference in my life. And I don’t care a hill of beans if he hops on a plane and leaves. But mostly I was thinking how sorry I felt for him because he has no life in London, either. No way to make a living. No home to go to. His life is tragic.

You see he is living off of his lawsuit money and doesn’t know how to make money any other way, while I have saved most of my half and am working full time trying to get to a better place. Here I go feeling sorry for him! See how he can get me to do that all while he fucks a 27 year old who moved into my bed within a couple of weeks of him kicking me out?

Now I realized I haven’t been “right” since and that’s probably what’s bugging me.

I got up and went to prepare and serve the Saturday breakfast for the homeless and I’m grateful that there are men my age in the kitchen — it’s nice to be near them even though I kind of doubt any of them are single. Then on Sunday I went to church. But today, today’s a holiday and people are partying and being social and I’m not. I was really looking forward just to having a day off, but eh, right now it’s overrated.

I spent $80 on ten plants to put in pots at the front door of the building where I work. For over a year I’ve been walking by the dead plants inside them and decided it would be a nice way to say thank you. Now I’m thinking that purchases like that have to stop if I’m going to save for a house.

If there is a way for me to go to Leipzig I will, but a home is my first priority.

Lastly, you already know that I had a really awful two to three weeks at the job when I started. I was so hard on myself and my co-workers were probably wondering what happened to the person they thought they knew. Well, I’m really hoping it was the withdrawal effects of the Welbutrin, but last week I had a few moments over a couple of days where I just felt blank, like my memory of what to do had been erased. It was an awful feeling. I wonder if that’s what dementia feels like!

I can’t be having moments like that. I have got to find a way to be as sharp as possible and work as long as possible. I knew this would be tough — and it is. I would really like to find a way to get off the front desk position and take more responsibility and make more money. Not sure if I have it in me but will give it a try.

It was fun putting these together since I haven’t had my own home to do this kind of thing for several years:

flowers

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3 responses to “Going off Antidepressants. Dealing with Anxiety and Drama.

  1. Moving Liquid,
    Your planters are so beautiful! You are so sweet.
    I am sorry that Germany may need to be postponed for a bit, but you are right the housing thing is a priority. Your last post about the noise level at the house really resonated with me, I am living in utter chaos with my FOO and the noise levels are what wears me down the most.
    The rent VS mortgage seems that it would most likely be better to buy property. The USDA has two federal rural programs that may be right for you. So many areas are eligible. There are really specific income and FICO guidelines. I am considering one of these because it could possibly carry me through retirement and the payments are prorated depending on income. To me, if you are prorated down to the lowest possible payment, it becomes like a negative amortization loan or a reverse mortgage and there is no call on the shortage until you sell or expire… as long as you make the monthly payments. You would have to investigate this with your USRDA office. Another option would be your state direct funding program where you meet an income and credit criteria and the state has houses and condos to choose from (sometimes by lottery). I am not sure what it is called in your state, but they are great programs.
    I am sending you positive vibes for figuring it all out!

  2. Sorry I am so long winded…
    Getting off meds can be so hard… The taper down should be less sickening. You have so much going with the new job and still to have to deal with you STBX. Too bad he does not just fly off somewhere else so you can really relax in your new life. I know you have pity for him, but he seems to have NONE for you. YOU are the one who has lost so much as a result of his actions. I am more worried about you, he will find a new host or law suit. I know getting those ideas out of your head is easier said than done.
    I stopped my anti depressants last summer just before the divorce hearing. I had the anxiety and then the moments where I thought I was having a stroke. Supplementing with L-Theanine (a green tea extract) helped me immensely, almost as good as an ativan. I use a great bulk supplement company right in your state, they are keeping me going without the vapor lock anxiety.
    You have been so courageous and come so far since you last lived with your STBX. Keep going you can do it! This new life is going to be one of your making!

  3. ENM, FOO issues are the worst! And yes, the sound levels! For those of us with anxiety and oversensitivity it’s so awful. I’m sorry there’s so much chaos at your home. My mom and dad don’t like one another, and they do fight and bicker, but it’s pretty predictable. Sounds like you have a lot more variables.

    Yeah, I’m not really sure I should be tapering off anti depressants at this time, but oh well! I am absolutely going to look into the L-Theanine ASAP and am glad for the recommendation.

    You’re so very kind to check in and support me. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your gorgeous mandala art in the last text — I meant to, and then forgot! It’s so gorgeous. I really, really, really am eager to have an artistic outlet again — another reason to try to get out of here. Good for you for making art.

    Thanks very much for commenting. xoxo

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