The Challenges of Starting Over

This week was difficult. It’s still hard for me to get the amount of sleep I need to function well. I try to head to my bedroom around 10 but often am still awake at 11pm. Alarm going off at 6:15 — it’s not quite enough for me. Needless to say I was TGingIF a lot yesterday.

I’m gaining weight fast. I eat fairly well in the day, but after dinner I can’t stop eating. All my hard work and exercise the first year after d-day to lose 70 pounds and I’m afraid to get on the scale now, but imagine I’ve gained 25 or so pounds back with no end in sight. It’s mindless stress eating, pure and simple.

It’s something I really need to focus on now because my self esteem will really collapse if I gain any more. I’m going to spend this weekend making a plan to eliminate sugar, flour, and processed foods.

I’ve always liked Dr. Mark Hyman and thought this article about how to stop nighttime binge eating made some sense to me. Of course he makes it sound easy when it’s not. I am very aware that although I thought I had a tremendous amount of self control at the time, the real reason I lost so much weight is because of the “cheater diet” I was on. When you’re so upset you simply can’t eat much. Those days are gone for me now.

Nevertheless I am going to implement some of the recommendations in that article. Also I’m going to ask God to help me. I just can’t afford to have all the health risks that go with being obese.

Yesterday we had a meeting to go over the benefits we will have on July 1st when my work undergoes a transition. I look around the room at my young co-workers who have their whole life ahead of them to build up that 401k, but, thanks to my mistakes, I am starting (at almost 58) with nothing and wondering how far I can get before they want me to retire.

I wonder why I thought cashing in everything I owned to support us was a smart idea. It’s funny how my soon to be ex always exclaimed, “I never asked you for anything.” And that is more or less true. But he was so fucking needy. And our quality of life would have been even worse if I hadn’t kept cashing in what I had.

The part I feel the most foolish about is I thought, well, once it’s gone we’ll be on a level playing field. We’ll rise out of this mess together. But no. He’ll find a 26 year old and kick me out is more like it. It’s hard not to feel like an idiot. In fact I feel I deserve to feel like an idiot. I was so foolish.

I met him last weekend at the UHaul place. I rented the truck and let him drive off with it to his apartment to put my furniture in it while I went to church. He refused, as you know, to let me in the apartment we shared to see what I left behind. But I decided it wasn’t worth the stress of fighting with him, so I let him pack it up for me. Later he and a friend of his met me at my new larger storage unit and unpacked it.

So now I am free to get that divorce which is long overdue. I filled out the paperwork I picked up to the best of my ability and then met my husband at a notary on Thursday. I need to have an advocate at the courthouse look over the paperwork before I file it, and it might take two weeks to get an appointment for that, unfortunately.

But as soon as she has okay’d it, I will be at the courthouse some weekday morning at 8am, and by 9am it should all be signed, sealed, and delivered. I’m really hoping to be divorced in June, if possible.

He told me he didn’t have his half of the fees, about $150. I am going to tell him to find it somewhere. If he doesn’t come up with it, I’ll pay it myself. Just one more thing to pay for. I can’t believe they are letting someone like him become a US citizen. He can’t even show he’s ever supported himself, not here and not in the UK either. What a loser.

I also found that he still does not have a US driver’s license. He’s lived in the USA off and on for over eight years and drives with his UK license. You’re only supposed to be able to use that for six months! When I asked him why he hadn’t done it he started in about bureaucracy and conformity and I shut him off. The truth is that he is afraid of failing the driver’s test.

Ugh. That’s more than enough time spent talking about him.

My daughter came to visit on Monday and Tuesday. I was sad I didn’t get to spend more time with her because I was at work, but grateful for any time with her. She’s been dating a guy for over two years and their relationship has gone quite slow but it seems they are really in love and I’m so happy for her I could just burst. It’s long overdue. I’ve only met him once but really liked him. I asked her if she’d ever be moving in with him and she said she thought she would. Also they are planning a three week European vacation in Fall of 2016 so they’ve got fairly long term plans.

As soon as the divorce is final I am going to try to figure out if I can qualify for a mortgage. I hope I can and I hope I can afford a house payment. There is not much out there in my price range, but if I am patient I can find something I can live with. When that happens I will be on a very tight budget and I hope that I can rise to that occasion because there won’t be anyone anywhere who can help me out. But I’d rather eat beans than pay $800 for rent. I want to have something to leave my daughter.

My ex, the good one, was her stepfather since she was 13 and he keeps in close contact with her and gives her a large check every Christmas, bless his heart. She is the closest thing to a child that he has so I am very, very relieved to know that he will probable leave her something in his will. He certainly is under no obligation to do so, he’s just a nice guy who loves her. I wish so much I could find another man like him.

Lately I am wondering if I will always be alone. It makes me sad but I’d rather be alone than settle for just anyone. For now I’ll keep focusing on my own self improvement and leave it in God’s hands.

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2 responses to “The Challenges of Starting Over

  1. Moving Liquid,
    SO glad to hear you have your possessions out of the love shack… Sounds like not being able to go in was best for you in the long run. If you are missing anything, I am sorry. I can send you an e-mail Tracy (CL) sent me when I was moving the wreckage of my life out of the marital home. She was really helpful talking me down from the ledge so to speak. If you need help, I can send you my support e-mail, it was fantastic.
    No doubt you will have to pay “his” portion of the divorce, but you just can not put a price on freedom… I just paid $600 to my lawyer to chase the x wasband for my car title and it was worth every penny not to have to deal with a sociopath.
    Is the L-Theanine helping you get to sleep? Bach Flowers also makes a sleep remedy that helped during the worst of times and “Ashwaghanda” tincture twice daily helps with fatigue so you can more effectively use your energy. I am praying for the rest of the details to come together for you so you can begin looking for your new home and finally have the peace you deserve. When you are ready, I will draw and frame one of my meditation/prayer mandalas just for you in your new place, so I am waiting on the good news when it arrives.
    Your daughter sounds lovely. It must be wonderful to see someone you love having a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries… good for her. And you are doing the right things as a mother to have such a together child.
    As far as feeling bad about all of your financial security having disappeared, I too feel the same way about what was I thinking. Maybe the best thing is to just concentrate on the here and now and make the best of the present. There is really no explanation for what one thinks when in a bad relationship… Any self deprecation is only going to suck the energy out of your momentum for the task at hand. Just do the best now with the information and the energy you have presently.
    You are doing it slow and steady, walking step by step into your new life. I know it is scary, I am very frightened in my situation, but you are just getting up and working away at things every day and that is the best one can do…
    Moving Liquid, you are mighty just getting up and doing something about change every day!

  2. ENM, I’d love to see the email CL sent you. Feel free to send it via email if that’s convenient, thank you. Yeah, my first instinct was to fight over stuff because it’s ALL MINE but I quickly realized it’s just so not worth it. I don’t know if he thinks I’m just a softie, but I don’t care. We really do have to pick our battles with these monsters, don’t we? But being rid of them is the best reward, no doubt.

    Living in the now (being mindful) has been really hard for me. I’m convinced it’s a lesson I need to learn. And I totally agree with you that wasting time deriding myself for making foolish choices is just going to suck the momentum out of me, just as you say.

    I can’t comment on whether the L-Theanine is helping me or not because I can’t seem to remember to take it regularly. I’m famous for buying all the supplements and then dropping the ball. I spent $100 the other day at the health food store on supplements and vitamins! But I’m not giving up. I just don’t quite know how to discipline myself as I adjust to being a full time worker. I need to work on my schedule. My 80 year old dad went out at 7 pm tonight to go to i-chi water aerobics and he has COPD! So I guess I’d better figure this out and get with the program.

    I’d be so honored to have one of your gorgeous mandalas! It will hold a place of prominence in my (someday) new home. You are so very kind and supportive and I appreciate you so much. Thank you also for advice with the supplements, etc. you’re obviously an expert in that area.

    Today I went to the courthouse and got the paperwork reviewed and it’s basically all set for me now to go back at 8 a.m. some day soon. By 9 a.m. I’ll be divorced and that’ll be a grand day, indeed! I’m hoping maybe I can do it Thursday or Friday morning. I’ll let you know!

    How are your birdies doing? Give them a kiss from me.

    xox

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