I got divorced on Thursday. I think it was Thursday, anyhow.
On Wednesday afternoon my now ex called me and when I got off work I texted him:
Me: “You rang?”
Him: “I did. Call me.”
Me: “Don’t you mean, ‘Call me, please?'”
That was the last communication we had. So he doesn’t know I went the next day and filed and stood in front of a judge and was divorced within an hour.
I thought it was sort of funny to have this information only to myself. I’d share it with him when he asked. After all, he had met me only a week earlier at the notary to have the paperwork signed.
I’m glad it’s over, don’t get me wrong. I’m real glad. But it somehow seems just like him that he cares so little that he doesn’t ask. And he demands that I call him like he always has. He wears me out.
But last night, Friday, and now tonight, Saturday, I’m feeling so alone. I’m so ready to socialize and be with people and still don’t know how to do it.
I went to prepare and serve breakfast for the hungry and homeless at my church this morning and was struck again by how many intriguing, attractive, older guys are there in the kitchen. I just wish i knew if any of them were single. Turns out, I’m single now. I’ve never gone so long without a love interest. Over a year and a half.
I’m not desperate. If I were I’d find my way to a bar or “nightclub” or dating website as people do. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s no one I want to meet there.
I am lonely.
The work week still tires me out, but during the weekend, aside from Sunday church service, I wish I were at work because I’m aware of being so alone.
I’m making plans to save like crazy because my next project is to somehow buy a house. I only have about 12% saved and I need to get it to 20%. I expect to pay a higher interest rate because, thanks to my ex, I had to declare bankruptcy a year ago. My credit rating is already pretty high again, shockingly enough. But getting a mortgage is harder than getting a new credit card.
The eating is still very out of control even after spending $100 on supplements, etc. And the more weight I gain, the lower my self esteem will go, and I will seal my fate and not find a life partner. I really don’t want that to happen. I’m just not sure what to do about it.
A few times a week I have moments at work where I just forget stuff that I know I know. I’m so ashamed to admit it and it frightens me. When I think that eight years ago my ex met me, a woman who was fragile, unable to work, living within my means, and he took me for everything.
He’s fucking a now 27 year old with no guilt whatsoever about abandoning me. If you were to ask him he’d say my anxiety is what killed our relationship. Not the fact that never for one minute did he give me any security. He just used me up and then blamed me for being upset about it. Fucking asshole.
I don’t know how many years of work I have left in me, especially if I keep feeling so spaced out. There are days I have to remind myself of my coworker’s names even though I’ve known them for over a year. My anxiety disorder is so bad that when things go awry I just panic. I just go blank. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I really wish I could go see my therapist. I think I will make an appointment for a day in July when I have new benefits. I wish she could see me in the evenings.
I’m sorry to be down. I still have optimism, I really do. But I am also frightened. And I feel alone. I yearn for my own home. Today I came home from the breakfast just tuckered out and I actually took a nap. Something I never ever do. If I had my own place I’d do that a little more often. I pray I can get my own place.
Every time we pass a milestone we have that moment of uncertainty and that’s all I’m experiencing. I have no regrets about the divorce in fact it was long overdue. But I’ll always wonder how he could con me the way he did and how I could have fallen for it.