A Milestone — I’m Divorced

I got divorced on Thursday. I think it was Thursday, anyhow.

On Wednesday afternoon my now ex called me and when I got off work I texted him:

Me: “You rang?”

Him: “I did. Call me.”

Me: “Don’t you mean, ‘Call me, please?'”

That was the last communication we had. So he doesn’t know I went the next day and filed and stood in front of a judge and was divorced within an hour.

I thought it was sort of funny to have this information only to myself. I’d share it with him when he asked. After all, he had met me only a week earlier at the notary to have the paperwork signed.

I’m glad it’s over, don’t get me wrong. I’m real glad. But it somehow seems just  like him that he cares so little that he doesn’t ask. And he demands that I call him like he always has. He wears me out.

But last night, Friday, and now tonight, Saturday, I’m feeling so alone. I’m so ready to socialize and be with people and still don’t know how to do it.

I went to prepare and serve breakfast for the hungry and homeless at my church this morning and was struck again by how many intriguing, attractive, older guys are there in the kitchen. I just wish i  knew if any of them were single. Turns out, I’m single now. I’ve never gone so long without a love interest. Over a year and a half.

I’m not desperate. If I were I’d find my way to a bar or “nightclub” or dating website as people do. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s no one I want to meet there.

I am lonely.

The work week still tires me out, but during the weekend, aside from Sunday church service, I wish I were at work because I’m aware of being so alone.

I’m making plans to save like crazy because my next project is to somehow buy a house. I only have about 12% saved and I need to get it to 20%. I expect to pay a higher interest rate because, thanks to my ex, I had to declare bankruptcy a year ago. My credit rating is already pretty high again, shockingly enough. But getting a mortgage is harder than getting a new credit card.

The eating is still very out of control even after spending $100 on supplements, etc. And the more weight I gain, the lower my self esteem will go, and I will seal my fate and not find a life partner. I really don’t want that to happen. I’m just not sure what to do about it.

A few times a week I have moments at work where I just forget stuff that I know I know. I’m so ashamed to admit it and it frightens me. When I think that eight years ago my ex met me, a woman who was fragile, unable to work, living within my means, and he took me for everything.

He’s fucking a now 27 year old with no guilt whatsoever about abandoning me. If you were to ask him he’d say my anxiety is what killed our relationship. Not the fact that never for one minute did he give me any security. He just used me up and then blamed me for being upset about it. Fucking asshole.

I don’t know how many years of work I have left in me, especially if I keep feeling so spaced out. There are days I have to remind myself of my coworker’s names even though I’ve known them for over a year. My anxiety disorder is so bad that when things go awry I just panic. I just go blank. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. I really wish I could go see my therapist. I think I will make an appointment for a day in July when I have new benefits. I wish she could see me in the evenings.

I’m sorry to be down. I still have optimism, I really do. But I am also frightened. And I feel alone. I yearn for my own home. Today I came home from the breakfast just tuckered out and I actually took a nap. Something I never ever do. If I had my own place I’d do that a little more often. I pray I can get my own place.

Every time we pass a milestone we have that moment of uncertainty and that’s all I’m experiencing. I have no regrets about the divorce in fact it was long overdue. But I’ll always wonder how he could con me the way he did and how I could have fallen for it.

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7 responses to “A Milestone — I’m Divorced

  1. Moving Liquid,
    Welcome to the rest of your life! Even though the divorce was long over due, I know it took courage to go to the court house and just finish the job.
    Well done!
    Isn’t it apt the last words we have had with our x husbands pretty much sums up the entire relationship.I think mine only cared when I was superwoman catering to his every need. Once the money was gone and I was physical and mental luggage, he started looking for plan B. Cast off the old without a care and find something new where they do not have to behave like an adult or have any real responsibilities except to themselves.
    I know for sure that mine has not improved and it would be a very low probability event if Little Napoleon changed for the better.
    We are both better people than that. Even though I know the horrible truth about my lazy parasite, it still astounds me that the man I loved and trusted the most would go to the lengths he did to try and destroy me.
    Your X has no concept of what he has done to you. This is just the sign of an unevolved human incapable of self reflection.
    I stayed so long and let things get so bad myself because I was projecting my love and goodness onto a hollow man. I could not conceive of behaving like x did and in the end he was really working as hard as he could to take everything and leave scorched earth for me. My undoing happened because I wanted to believe deep down he was a good man and he would come around, but he was far from that.

    I truly understand the loneliness. I am not desperate. I have looked at dating sites and spoken with several men briefly, there is even a man I have been talking with since last year, but I just do not feel driven to seek out another man. I enjoy conversation with him occasionally, but I am thinking everything is a red flag and I am terrified of being burned another time. If someone comes into my life great, but I give up on trolling, it is just too weird. Sometimes, I enjoy my solitude and freedom but it is the late nights particularly the weekends when I feel alone and think about life I “thought” I had… but the people I trusted were not worthy of my friendship.

    You are so right about the cycle of having being blamed for mental illness and insecurities, but in truth, we would not have been so hyper vigilant without cause… They can say what they want about their excuses. But the real reason is because we married men who needed to be propped up and supported by a woman. They had nothing to give when it comes down to brass tacks.

    The depth of the hole that you have crawled out of is nothing short of a miracle. All because you just kept moving forward into a new life, even if you thought the process was so painfully slow, you are a powerful example to women who are convinced a horrible marriage is the end of the world, there is something better out there!
    You ARE mighty Moving Liquid!

  2. ENM, I think it’s because we’re decent people that we can’t understand their betrayal of us and never really will. I knew our marriage was a mistake, but when he begged me on his knees to take him back I did. I knew I could not have lived with myself for turning my back on my spouse desperate on his knees to me. Only a few months later I was on my knees to him and he stepped away from me as though I had leprosy. These people just can’t be figured out.

    Your comment about us both having married men who needed to be propped up and supported by a woman is so true. The ironic part is that my ex presented himself as MY savior and protector. I recall him saying how much he wanted someone to “care for and look after.” What a lie. Was yours the same? A fraud?

    I thank you for saying that what I’ve accomplished so far is something to be proud of. Most of the time I agree with you. Some of the time I’m still punishing myself for getting into this mess in the first place.

    I’m feeling insecure tonight which I’m sure you can tell. But I’ve learned enough to know that this will pass. That I’m on the right path for me.

    Your support and encouragement mean so much to me. I have so much respect for you. Thank you.

    xox

  3. My x wanted an equal. I thought we were equal partners/soul mates. I did make the lion share of the money while he played in a band. There was revenue from that and sometimes significant. He had also worked some other jobs short term and he even worked side by side with me in the financial sector. We were a respected couple with integrity.
    Everything was wonderful for more than a decade (10 years living together/8 years married). After having worked with me about 4 years, he started getting weird and resenting me for pushing him to work, we were commissioned income.
    When I married, I was more than OK with being the bread winner. Supporting the marriage was OK in this case because of all that I thought we shared. I felt confident in my earning abilities and I would rather have married for love than money.
    This is one of the few times I have actually admitted that he really was quite lazy and I “spackled” like crazy to anyone who would listen about any little thing he did…
    Even the lack of motivation was tolerable to me, not everyone earns six figures… Things became bad when I was being abused for not earning as much and getting sick. Even after I went on disability, I still had money and tried my best to make a nice home for him when he came home from his new full time big boy job.
    Things should have been good, but he continued to find fault with me and pile on more and more unrealistic expectations of what I should be doing for him. It was like watching someone lose their humanity. There was no way to appeal to him to make him see how he was hurting me. I was so confused, so sick, having surgery after surgery and this was the best he could do. Once I had been ground to a fine powder, he left saying “I would have honored my marital vows, but you did not die soon enough”.
    His new bachelor pad was the empty apartment adjoining our marital bedroom wall. I could hear him fucking new women on the other side of the wall. It was all too much for me to take 2 years ago (12 years into the marriage) and I actually checked into a mental health day program because I thought if I did not die I would have to kill myself.
    So after my verbose response….”He was a fraud and could not even make good on his promise to love and honor me in sickness and health, he did not even have to keep a real full time job”
    Oh and fuck him. My younger, non English speaking foreign replacement lasted barely a year. She must have learned to say NO.
    Gah… sorry this was so long winded. It is the betrayal when you are giving everything you have that is the worst.

    • ENM, your story is so appalling. There really are no words. My chin is on the floor. I’d say your ex is a cold blooded animal, but that’s an insult to cold blooded animals. It’s inconceivable to me that our life partners can turn on a dime this way and yours was particularly brutal. I’m glad you had the instinct to help yourself by checking into a mental health day program — it shows your incredible will to live in spite of the worst sort of betrayal. I’m glad you’re rid of him. xox

  4. I am glad to be out as well. There is so much more to the story. I would like to write about this, on my own blog, but because I could get no help from the police for the illegal things done to me I live in fear that he will sue me and again I will be crazy and the liar. I know he has found me on other support sites, so he is still angry and out to get me.
    Your cheater enrages me and I really did not have this type of reaction until I realized I was being abused.
    The stories of what has happened to so many loving caring people when they couple with the disordered is sickening.
    The miracle here is that we lived through our pasts and are moving on to form a new life.
    I wish peace for all victims.

  5. ENM, If your blog is completely anonymous and you don’t even mention your city or town, you’d probably manage to keep it under his radar. My blog used to be more private, but these days it would not take much for a person to figure out who I am. My ex-husband is far too infatuated with himself and his OW to ever bother looking for my blog.

    Last night I wrote him an email telling him we are divorced. I also told him why he needs to give me more than half of his next lawsuit settlement, providing there is one. I was pretty brutal in what I said to him, but none of it was untrue. I also told him not to call me — that we’d discuss stuff over email or text. He won’t honor that for long. He always thinks I don’t mean what I say. I’m feeling guilty for being honest with him about what a loser he is.

    I’m surprised at my current depression. I guess it’s just over knowing he doesn’t give a shit, never will, and never did. It’s a minor setback and I will get over it.

    I wish peace for all victims as well. Almost every Sunday I light a candle for victims of infidelity at church hoping in any way to lesson their pain.

    xox

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