TGIF

The work week may be hard for me, but at least it is quick. Here it is Friday again and I’m terribly exhausted.

Work was busy and stressful, but also I’m beginning to see where there are some unfairnesses going on., i.e. I’m working twice as hard as the person who is supposed to cover for me at times. And she probably makes double what I make per hour.

This is bound to happen. It’s all part of office dynamics and I need to decide early on that it’s not worth getting too worked up about. But that’s my issue, that’s my anxiety disorder: I get worked up. It’s not fun, nor is it fair, but I need to find a way to let things go that don’t seem to bug other people. It is not easy being me.

I came home tonight with dinner for my parents and said I had to take an Ativan before I talked with them because I was so worked up. Thankfully I feel it right now and am no longer wound up. But I can recall how I got that way.

Since the divorce my ex husband and I have texted a few times about him giving me a few more of my possessions and also paying me half of the divorce fees. I cancelled on him a couple of times and was going to cancel on him after work but by the time I went to my phone he was already there waiting for me.

So I met him and he put three things into my car. I asked him when he would pay me for half the fees and he said, “Maybe Monday?” I said, “Okay. Why don’t you just mail it.” I said that because A.) I don’t want to meet him anymore and, B.) He won’t have it Monday or any day. Then I shut the car door and drove off. I’m sure he thought that was odd. I’m sure he’d have liked to have a chummy “congratulations, we’re divorced” conversation. But I wasn’t in the mood.

Then — are you ready for this? Then I watch as he hides behind a taller car, an SUV. I see him in my rearview mirror as he waits for me to get further from him, and he runs back into Nordstrom Rack where he had been shopping.

And I thought to myself, “Yeah, go shop you slimy, over perfumed, black denim wearing, pointy-shoed loser. SHOP!” There’s something especially humiliating about having a man use up all your  money, cheat on you, abandon you, and then allow you the honor of paying for the divorce.

Then I pulled over and cried. I haven’t cried in a while, which is amazing for me. I used to cry SO FUCKING MUCH. Then I called my folks and asked them if they wanted me to bring home Panda Express and they did.

I cried a few more tears but I kept reminding myself that HE is not tear worthy. I tried to stop myself getting into a blaming party (I was doing a lot of “If you hadn’t fucked up your life with the good husband you would not be working full time and exhausted right now.”)

I started saying to myself, “I’m grateful for my daughter. I’m grateful for Bach. I’m grateful for art. I’m grateful for forests. I am grateful for my job. I can do this.”

Part of me wonders if I really can do this. But I have no choice. I have to do it.

My 58th birthday is a week from today, next Friday. I have a 1 p.m. appointment with my therapist whom I haven’t seen since early April due to my new job. There’s so much I need to talk to her about I won’t know where to begin. I must find a way to see her at least once a month. I’m going to ask her about support groups or group therapy which might take place in the evenings.

I wish I could go to more church activities, but I’m so tired that I just get to church on Sundays. I want to find ways to have A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK. I just need to figure out how.

This weekend I will spend more time cleaning out this room so that it is livable. We’ll see how far I get.

But the things I know I should do that will help me more than anything else are to eat better and to get some exercise. I’m into full on night binging mode and just don’t know how to stop. I am thinking I’d also make an appointment next Friday to see my GP to ask about a nutritionist. I can’t see me at Weight Watchers, but I’d like to have someone to report my weight to. We’ll see.

Too tired. Got a bit of a sore throat and hope that doesn’t mean a summer cold is in my future.

Maybe today will have been the last time I’ll see my ex. One can hope.

TGIF

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7 responses to “TGIF

  1. Moving Liquid,
    I sure hope that is the last time you ever have to see “Little Napoleon”. He adds no value.
    You are so correct about eating right and exercising.
    That is what I really need to get back to doing. I am looking at my food diary right beside me and it has been abut 3 months since I have done anything in it. I had a pretty good system of recording overall mood, blood sugar levels, sleep, nightmares, general thoughts and of course the food and liquid intake. Yup sounds OCD, but it really gave me insight as to overall well being. For me, I can get through the day keeping food under control, but once my brother gets home, it all goes to shit. He stresses me out an he medicates himself with food all night long. I have never allowed myself too be so permissive with food… I know he is not pushing food down my throat but this is like a recovering alcoholic living in a bar room.

    We both desperately need our own space where the recovery process can continue. You have come so far, but hopefully your own environment will be something in the near future so you can focus on you and your new life with out the FOO distraction literally in the background.
    Your “life outside of work” will evolve over time.

    As far as the crying, you are allowed to feel bad. You have had some setbacks in life that are so sad. Just do not beat yourself up over your past. It is clear to me that your discard and divorce has taught you not to repeat the same nightmare over again. You are courageous not jumping into another relationship to dull the pain of past hurt. The most important thing I see from your writing is that you value yourself enough to invest in your own happiness first.
    Wishing you the best!
    ENM

  2. ENM, yeah, there’s no doubt at all that I am self medicating my anxiety with food. And it does not help that my dad is a life long junk food junkie so there’s always stuff around. (Even if there weren’t I’d buy some).

    Do you have your own designated space for your art? Today I made space for art in my room and I’m pretty excited about it. I’ve been dreaming of art I’d like to create for months and am not sure if I can pull it off, but in my head I call it “Abstract Baroque” so we’ll see! I’m going to start on paper and work my way up to canvas or panel. I’m rusty and of course three years ago on our biggest move to the UK I gave away thousands of dollars worth of paints and brushes. I could just cry over it.

    For many months I’ve been going to Michaels with their coupons and buying only one or two things at a time. I think I can create some simple art with what I’ve got and will keep on buying more in the coming weeks.

    My room is already breathing easier. And I put more stuff into storage. So tonight, no mindless television, but Bach and painting instead!

    ENM, your support and encouragement mean a great deal to me. I love that you wrote “you value yourself enough to invest in your own happiness.” I never looked at it that way before and it’s a comforting thought.

    xox

    p.s. I’ll bet you and I are not the only artists in Chump Nation. I wonder if we could start a Deviant Art page where we can share images of our art?

  3. ML,
    Even though you are starting over from essentially nothing. You are nothing but a canvas of potential. You see, you are an intelligent loving caring human being unlike our thoughtless lying cheaters. Right there, you are so far ahead of so many in this world.
    Getting things organized and having space to be creative in your room is a powerful step in the right direction. Sorry about the lost are supplies, I am in the same boat, so I have been using the Micheal’s coupons as well and shopping “Fire Mountain Gems”
    I have no personal space here and it is wearing me out… I have my supplies organized in totes. It is so sad that thoughtless people here walk so heavily it was like trying to bead at Jurassic Park, my beads were jumping off the mat. I have given up beading. As far as the tiny drawings, I sit at the kitchen table and draw, but god help me if I am not moved by the time my brother gets home. He slams things making it impossible to draw and food flies everywhere with his eating getting on my little drawings.
    It would be nice to share art with other Chumps. I do not view my creations as fine art. They are just “grounding” exercises that sometimes look pleasing. It really is a tongue in cheek knock to my degree in fine arts. If I can sell some for money before they get ruined here all the better.
    BTW, I must confess, I did not take my meds today I had eggs early and not enough water. Since my brother has come home, I have had dairy, sugar and way too many carbs. Not good, but oh well… I am cut off on anything but vegetables for the rest of the night.
    I hope tonight is quiet and peaceful for you and that you get the rest that you need.
    ENM

  4. I ended up doing very little art tonight. My throat, ears, and head hurt and I’m pretty uncomfortable. Hoping I don’t miss church tomorrow due to feeling crappy.

    I’ve gone in fits and spurts with my art over the years. When I was very heavily medicated and married to my “good” husband I did take some ceramic classes and painting/sculpting classes and created some interesting stuff. But when I met Little Napoleon we just moved too often to be able to be able to set up an art space.

    I’ve always created art as a form of therapy and I’ve given some as gifts but never even considered trying to sell anything. I don’t have the self esteem for that! I do envy your fine arts degree. I feel that I could be a good artist if I can keep creating for any length of time.

    As you know I watch a ton of documentaries as I’m falling asleep. One of my latest fun fads is a man named “Waldemar Januszczak” he’s a really interesting and weird British art critic and he’s got series’ on the impressionists, the dark ages, and a really good one on Manet, plus much more. Check him out if you get bored.

    I enjoy doing beading now and then but have never done anything complicated. Lately I’ve taken apart old jewelry or purchased old jewelry at the thrift shops to create Episcopalian rosaries, which are smaller than Catholic ones. I’d love to hear about what you’ve beaded.

    Hang in there, better things are in store for us.

    xox

  5. Yes better things ahead!
    I think the stupid fire in my head is dying down for the night. People have gone to bed here and maybe I can put color in the mandala I sent to you.
    Doing anything that requires concentration is very grounding and the negative thoughts running in your head have to take a back seat to the task at hand.
    My favorite beading is peyote weaving with a needle and no loom. Depending on the size beads used one can take a 2 dimensional surface to a 3 dimensional relief. Kind of like the use of yarn in making an Irish knit sweater.
    I hope you are feeling a little better in the morning and able to have collation with the other parishioners.

  6. Sometimes I watch beading videos but rarely do I even consider trying what they’re doing! I think it takes a mathematical mind or at least the ability to see ahead and I’m not so good at that.

    I woke up feeling definitely sick today, which bums me out. I began to have that catch in my throat on Weds. or Thurs. and only today do I feel really crappy. WTF, mother nature! If you’re going to make me sick, just make me sick!

    So I walk out just now to get some coffee. My mom says, “How are you?” I say, “I’m sick.” And her immediate response was, “You’re not going to go to church are you?” I said, “No.”

    But what the fuck is wrong with her brain to automatically go there? She resents that I have found a church I like. She’s a lifelong born again Christian who is mean, judgmental, and selfish and she really resents that I just get up each Sunday and go, and that I like it. Her quirks and weirdnesses really make me sad but when I realize she’s also mean I’m just dumbfounded.

    Sorry to go off on this. I feel horrible and my mom is the biggest, saddest, mystery to me.

    Are you feeling any better today physically or mentally?

  7. ML, I feel better, thank you for asking.
    The plan is to get my bedroom and dining room antique sets outta this house and sold. I am too sick to pretty them up and they are becoming more and more worthless just sitting. I will deal with auction companies on Monday. The car is getting towed as well. I should at the very least get enough $$ to pay for a new used engine in the car if not fund some other things.
    I am sorry your mom is so mean to you. I can not speculate what is going on her head other than the fact that she is miserable and does not wan to be alone in her misery. God forbid you should be finding a religious fellowship and having some joy in your life. Gah… those people suck.
    My mom is not like that, but my brother seems to cycle on sucking the joy out of everything. I take too much space with my art projects (he does not own the house), I have a friend over for coffee, he either torments me he does not want them back or has an out and out tantrum with company over… I really want to love my brother, but he is labile and horrible to live with… Just like x wasband, he is not good for me.
    On the bright side, I can see bullshit a million miles away now and I find it repulsive. If I do anything with the rest of my life, it will be removing toxic people from my life.
    I hope you feel better for work tomorrow and get enough rest to function through the work week.

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