I Don’t Want to Have My Birthday, But it Beats the Alternative

Because the non profit I work for is going through a transition, we’re all stressed. I’m particularly stressed because of the entirely new phone system and how the trainers are not training me nor have they set me up properly. I felt like walking out today. I heard that voice in me saying, “You can’t do this. You really can’t do this.”

This has been my life in the past. Things get really stressful and I cave in and then I walk away. Stress is difficult for me. But is it “easy” for anyone? Probably not, but they handle it differently. My panic button is set to go off very quickly and severely. I overload and can’t understand what’s being said to me. I feel inferior. I feel ill-equipped. I feel I am horrible at the job and that they are seeing it and will not want me.

I’m pretty sure I’m not horrible at my job, but I do think I’m a little high maintenance. I don’t like to be high maintenance. I don’t like to think of my young colleagues rolling their eyes at one another thinking, ‘there she goes again.’

Tomorrow is my 58th birthday. I’m feeling particularly bitter about it because I resent that I am here, getting used to working 8am to 5pm five days a week, learning new things, trying to get enough sleep, wondering how long I can keep this up. Wondering if I’ll ever own a home again.

I fucking hate my ex for making me end up alone. And please, nobody say, “Oh you’ll find someone.” Because the odds are not good that I will.

I fucking hate him so much. Him and his now 27 year old girlfriend and their future, whatever it holds. Maybe her family thinks he’s exotic and maybe they’re enamored with him. He is a very, very good ass kisser and love bomber — that is until he flips and no longer gives a shit.

On ChumpLady, the website I go to for so much solace (and it has saved my life countless times) is getting harder for me to spend time at. First, I just don’t have the time to read every comment and offer hope to other chumps. Secondly, sometimes their fresh pain can be triggering. And third, when they talk about meeting someone new, or falling in love again, or having a sex life again, I get so envious that I feel ashamed of myself.

I’ve only been working full time for a bit over two months but it feels like six months! Tomorrow is the first day that I am taking the afternoon off to go and see my therapist whom I haven’t seen in over two months. I’m sure I won’t know how to catch her up on stuff, but the bottom line is I need to ask her how to better handle those moments of panic which give me away.

I wish I could remember God at that moment. I usually remember God a bit later when the panic is easing and thinking of God helps to calm me. But I wish I would remember him earlier. I think I’ll call the Assistant Priest at my church to ask him how to be more aware of God in those really stressful moments (and always, really), because it does help me.

Being a receptionist is a very difficult job. I’m there twenty minutes early, I never get a full hour lunch, I’m driving around after 5pm looking for a flipping mailbox. And during the day everybody else can take a moment here and there to calm down and de-stress, but not me. I’m chained to the phone. I really dislike that. But this was the only job I could get. And it will probably be the last job I get.

I emailed a mortgage guy that was recommended to me and his assistant called me back yesterday. I gave her my social security number so they could run a background check on me to see if I might qualify for a loan. When she started asking me questions I realized how absurd it is for me to be contemplating buying a home for at least a year!

I’ve only been working for two months. I declared bankruptcy a year ago. I really don’t think they’ll be able to help me at this time. The sad part is that I found an affordable home that I’d really love to buy. I wish I hadn’t looked at Zillow. Do not go to Zillow.com if you don’t want to find the little house of your dreams. Sigh.

So I’m hoping that I get the news in the next few days that I should try or not try to get a loan at this time. It means more time here under my parent’s roof. Thankfully they are fine with me staying here. I can save so much more if I’m here rather than paying almost a mortgage in rent. But being on my own will be better for my mental and physical health and I’m so, so eager to get out.

For now I’ll stay put.

I don’t want my birthday to be tomorrow. I don’t want to be 58. I don’t want anyone to acknowledge it. I just deactivated my Facebook for a few days so that I would not have to look at “happy birthdays” from people who only remember because Facebook reminds them of the fact. My mom keeps asking me what I “want to do” for my birthday like I’m a kid and going to say, “Chuck E Cheese!” She won’t eat at any place remotely exotic so I don’t see the point.

Having no one — not even a girlfriend to go out with, is just terribly shameful to me at this point. I feel tears coming on again.

Don’t try to make me feel better. It just is what it is. I recently saw this photo that my daughter sent to me. When I call her cell phone this is what she sees. I was only about 22 years old and never thought I’d end up alone:

mum

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11 responses to “I Don’t Want to Have My Birthday, But it Beats the Alternative

  1. Sigh… Only if I could go back to 22 and change a bunch of things! It’s weird to read how your life is now compared to when you started this blog. I honestly didn’t know if you were gonna make it, let alone have a job, looking for a house. Wow, you’ve come so far! In spite of feeling alone and wishing for companionship, you are still doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself and build your confidence and self-esteem (which is working). Never say never. If you keep progressing at this rate, awesome things (or people) might be in your future. Happy Birthday amazing lady!

    • Thank you, Cynthia. You’ve been with me here since almost the beginning of my blog. I’m so grateful that you just kept checking in with me even though I’m sure I seem like a broken record. You’re an amazing person. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. xox

  2. Moving Liquid,
    If only we lived in the same city. I would pursue a friendship with you…
    The anxiety followed by paranoia and then self deprecating reactive behaviors, I am so sorry you have to experience this. Please know that this has plagued me forever. We are far from alone (as if that helps when in the throes of anxiety). Think of all that you were able to put up with in you M… you can sit out or work through these feelings of discomfort at work. Work is now about you and your security. You can do this, you have had to deal with SO much worse in the past. I found that grounding exercises worked well for me. Hold your desk, a chair or a book tight, you can also try looking at objects and naming them loudly (of course in your head when others are within listening proximity). I would try this just as you start having a hard time listening, after all when anxiety gets to that level, you probably are not absorbing much anyway and for me, it brings me back to planet earth instead of roaming in my mental landscape.

    What a beautiful picture of you! When I find the ticket to the way back machine, I will get us both a ride. If we knew then what we knew now…
    You are still a beautiful, loving, intelligent woman. As far as dating/ new love interests, remember that there are plenty of fat people, stupid people, truly unattractive people, as well as the cruel. who find another person with whom to be intimate. What you are forgetting is that you now have a wealth of information on what not to do in a relationship. All we know about “others” is what shows on the outside. I am willing to bet that so many coupled people out there settled to avoid being alone and they are probably living their own private hell.
    I for one do not want to be involved in a soul sucking situation ever again. I would prefer not to be alone but it is far better than use and abuse…

    So, Happy Birthday, you are a miracle that you have come this far from where you were when your marriage ended. I know it is not easy. You are a caring, loving self examined individual and that is a treasure.
    I am wishing you all peace and love that the Universe has to offer, you deserve every moment of it.

    • ENM, you humble me so much. Your troubles are so much worse than mine. I feel like a whining child. And I’d gladly be your friend “IRL” as they say. Sometimes I look around and think I know I’m not the only lonely person out there so how do I connect with someone like me? I’ve got fear, doubt, and plenty of insecurity that keep me from reaching out.

      In the end you’re absolutely correct when you say that “so many couple people out there settled to avoid being alone and they are probably living their own private hell.”

      And for all my complaining and sadness, I don’t ever want another “soul sucking” relationship again. I just have to remind myself to take care of myself and be the best person I can be — no easy feat!

      Thank you for being my friend. I wish you peace, love, and healing today, tomorrow, and always.

      xox

  3. Hi, ML–what about a virtual drinks night with friends (I’m thinking back to that Friday a few months ago when you and I kept posting on CL forums)? I will have a beer at the ready, and can jump on a new forum for a 4th of July chat if you want. Set the time. Tempest

  4. I’m in Central, but tend to stay up late, so pick a time that’s good for you and we’ll start a “4th of July” thread. My beer is chilled!

  5. Sure–I’m about to go for a run (in 90 degrees, because I am insane), and then will post a new thread in the Private forums (or feel free to start it yourself if we want to be sure to catch people who check CL before they leave for the afternoon).

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