Monthly Archives: July 2015

I’m Lonely

I finally have a dental appointment for this Wednesday so I’m just doing all I can to keep the pain under control. I have pain all over my mouth so this is probably going to set me back about $4,000 or $5,000 and time off work to get it all done. I feel pissed at my ex-husband for making me live a life where I had no dental coverage. When we lived in the UK he got all free coverage with their National Health Care, but I had no coverage except at emergency rooms, which I found myself at once after a suicide attempt.

When we lived in the US I had health insurance but no dental, and he had nothing. I’ve spent my life until I met him playing by the rules, having insurance, taking care of my teeth not taking anything for free. Life with him changed all that.

I’m only now getting back to being the kind of citizen I was before I met him. It’s not easy. It’s expensive. But I am determined to it no matter how much I have to do without.

It’s about 100 degrees outside. Too hot to do anything, really. I should clean my room so that I can at least have a little space to do crafts or painting. I finally have a dozen tubes of Liquitex acrylic paint — enough colors to make any other color I might want, and a few brushes. I have a small portable easel in my car but I need to make some room in here in order to set it up. At the same time I’m fearful that I’ve forgotten how to paint.

I saw a job I am qualified for that pays a little more and is only 35 hours a week. It’s with a very large non profit. I don’t know what my current employer would think of me if I were to get a job and leave after such a short time, but I feel I got off on the wrong foot with them and don’t think they’ll consider me for positions that get me away from the front desk.

No matter what they say, I am always the odd one out; the one who can’t attend the meeting they’re all at; the one who is emptying the trash. I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll send in my application and if I get an interview, I’ll decide later.

But what’s got me down today, really down, is that I am so tired of being alone. In three months it’ll have been two years since I was intimate with a man and since I did anything with another person. I’m feeling real shame that I am incapable of making friends and frankly I don’t really understand it.

Obviously most of the people at work are very young, younger than my daughter, and we would not really socialize together. But people seem happy to see me at church and yet no one invites me to do anything. I’m still trying to figure out if ANYBODY there is single. There’s a woman I really liked, and a man I was slightly attracted to, and I just found out yesterday that they’re married to one another — whoa, I’m feeling ridiculous about that.

Everyone seems to have someone.

I keep thinking that if I had my own place, whether I buy or rent, I’d have other things to do, like I’d get into French baking or certainly have more room for painting and crafts. I might even have my own yard to work in.

But in talking to the mortgage folks this week, I have the strong feeling that it’s not my bankruptcy that will hold me back but my lack of work experience in the last several years. Shit. So they may tell me to come back in a year, which would really be a shame, then I’d move into an apartment and do my best to hang on to the deposit I already have and just pray that in a year I still have that $20,000 to put down on a house. It’s not likely it’ll grow if I’m paying rent.

I like to think that owning my own small home would make me feel better, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe it would make me more aware of all the responsibility I have that is mine alone.

I really don’t want anyone to tell me I’m likable and will have friends someday. Or that I might meet a nice man someday. Right now I just want to fucking wallow because I’m so mad that in spite of everything I’ve done to pull myself up — HE, my ex husband, is fucking a 27 year old and socializing with all his stupid friends, and I have no one.

I think about all the wrong turns I’ve taken in my life that have landed me here and I feel such remorse and shame. My will to live is shrinking. I’ll pray to God tonight and tomorrow at church to please help me. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang in there. I had this naive belief that if I was a good person, fixed my life, returned to my core values, that things would fall into place for me.

Not the case, evidently.

P.S. My 81 year old dad has been in the bathroom for over an hour throwing up violently. I went to tell my mom and she told him to take Pepto Bismol and then told him he ate too much today. She went back to watching tv and hasn’t come to check on him since. I’ve got Kate Bush playing loud because the sound of him vomiting is greatly upsetting me. She doesn’t love him. He doesn’t love her. I guess I’d rather be alone than have what they have.

Two Days Later

I could hardly get through the day. My headaches are so horrendous. At lunch my ex messaged me and asked me to call him so I did. Mistake. He asked if the court was going to send him anything about our divorce. I said no, you have to go down and pay for it if you want it. I asked him if he would leave the area (for the 100th time) and he said yes. He said he’s been looking at ads in Portland for 2 weeks. I’d be shocked to find if he has enough money to move after all he owed people. But I need him to leave.

When he complained about the job market here I made the mistake of telling him that I was not happy with my job, that I do not do well at front desk positions. That I was freaking out about giving up my disability. He asked me if I had time to meet him for coffee.

I started to cry. I told him, “I’m not your friend and I’m not your project. This is my life now. Working and trying to make ends meet. I have to go now.” And I hung up.

He had just asked me if I was still interested in my own business, which I always have been and always will be. We used to have the most amazing discussions about business ideas — it was one thing we did really well together. I loved that one aspect of our relationship. But no, I didn’t take the bait and chat with him about business ideas.

I never did make it to the bank. Went back to work and somehow got through until 5 pm with a throbbing headache. I pray that all these headaches are connected to my dental issues and that they begin to ease up when the work starts. I pray.

But today, right now, I feel utterly hopeless and uninterested in continuing living. There’s nothing I can do about that, but that’s where I’m at. My first paycheck came today with the new hourly rate and the check seemed  surprisingly small. If I bought a house easily half would go to the loan, insurance, and tax. Can I live on $1000 a month? I doubt it.

So what did I gain by going  back to work? Who am I trying to prove that I can do this? I can’t fucking do this.

I’m going to medicate myself now and get on my knees and pray for help. I haven’t felt this low since I found out he had another woman.

Fuck my life.

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Tension & Stress is an Everyday Part of Life that I’ve Never Learned to Deal With

Two days of swimming and my nose would not stop running and my ear was throbbing and still is. My teeth, 3/4 of my mouth are killing me. Not sure if the teeth pain is affecting my sinuses or my sinuses causing teeth pain, or both. I meant to call the dentist today to try to start setting up appointments, but once again I didn’t know how to make time to get away from work. I’m taking my dad’s prescription strength Alleve.

An opening is going to come up at work and I’d do anything to get off the front desk and away from this lack of freedom. I hate that about receptionist work. Everyone else is free but me. I can’t stand it. But I’m only now settling into my position, and I don’t know if they’d consider me for a new one. But if I don’t apply for it, some young advocate is going to apply for it and I’ll be answering her phones. As it is they might prefer an advocate over me anyway, but I feel I have to try to get off that front desk. Now I’m frightened all over again.

And my mom and dad have been fighting so badly — the tension here is really getting to me. My mom’s behavior is almost impossible to describe. Why oh why didn’t she leave him long ago? Don’t they both deserve a happier end of days than what they are experiencing now? Fuck! It’s SO BAD.

But I fear she’s going to demand that I leave any day now and I’ve been trying to find out if I qualify for a mortgage and the dumb mortgage company keeps dropping the ball and not calling me back. I’m watching little houses sell left and right until there’s none left and I still don’t know if anyone will give me a loan. I only have about 13% of the deposit and I was hoping to get closer to 20%. I also don’t have the cushion I was hoping to get so that I have a little saved in case of emergency, like car repair. If I buy a house right now I’ll be house poor, that’s for sure. But if I go out and rent a $800 a month apartment, I’ll be throwing money down the toilet and I’ll never save the rest of the money I need.

I pay them and I buy food and I do some chores and most of the time they seem happy that I’m here, but my mom is behaving worse than usual right now and I fear it’s about to slip out that she wants me out. I don’t blame her. She probably hates that someone else sees how bad their marriage is. She is probably ashamed.

My brother and his wife and son are coming up in three weeks or so so she’s already distracted by that, thank goodness. But at the same time it’s hard because she literally makes plans for every minute that they are here.

Her devotion to him, and to his wife and son overshadows everything else in the world. No one can disagree with mom except him — NO ONE. It’s a good thing I love my brother. Her favoritism towards him isn’t his fault.

A person on ChumpLady said I constantly talk badly about my mom, but not my dad, the cheater. Yes, dad was a cheater, and he was an asshole for doing that. She shouldn’t have taken him back and he shouldn’t have come back. He may be a cheater, which is despicable, but she’s the narcissist, and it’s her narc traits, her passive aggressive anger, her hatred of women including her own daughters, that have affected me.

When I say I’ve never met a person who is more sad than my mother in my entire life, I am not exaggerating. And, like any narc, she is incapable of any sort of self examination or self improvement. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is someone else’s fault. Their relationship makes me sick and when they fight I fucking get triggered to my childhood.

I should not have tried to write. It’s far too late. I’ve got to get to bed. Maybe I’ll try to clean this up a bit tomorrow.

Back to Moving Liquid (I hope)

I had a set back emotionally last Thursday and I almost walked out on my job. I really like my young supervisor but she’s fairly inexperienced and I might be the only one in the office who reports to her, so there’s a bit of a magnifying glass on me which I wish I didn’t have. When I complained on the Chump Lady blog about my issue someone commented that it’s difficult for introverts like me to handle a front office position, and that’s so true. I do so much better when left on my own.

But on Monday when I went back to work I came back with a new attitude. I had prayed a bit but mostly I just came back determined to make it work for one reason:  it has to. There is no alternative.

Well, there is, but it is this: stay here at my parent’s house the remainder of my days, and good luck to me when they are both gone. Or, move into government subsidized housing and count other crazy old women as my neighbors, living on food stamps, unable to afford a car, etc. Sorry, crazy old women — I can’t handle you any more than I can handle myself.

I have had to pull myself up and out of that life.

After a lifetime of giving up and giving in and thinking it was all too hard and that death would be easier.

So the fact that this new life of mine is hard for me is not at all surprising. It’s just that I can’t go to my employer and say, “Hey, be patient with me if you can. I have Complex PTSD, I’m a nervous wreck, a mental case, and haven’t worked in years.” No, I don’t think I should go that route.

I have regular insurance now, with co-pays that I have to think about. I need to get to the dentist desperately, yet I can’t figure out how to get out of work. They tell me that this one person will cover for me, but then she’s gone constantly. Plus she hates covering for me. It’s not a great situation.

And I have been gaining weight for well over six months. My clothes getting tighter and tighter to the point where I can’t wear a lot of what I bought a year ago on my way down the scale.

Now that I’m pretty much adjusted to getting up and going to work at 8am and coming home at 5pm, I need to work on the rest of my life. For my sanity and for my health’s sake.

So after not swimming since before the holidays I went to the pool yesterday and spent almost an hour in the lap pool just seeing what I could do. I barely fit in my suit and I do NOT LOOK GOOD, but I was able to keep moving for the entire time. Not hard, just kept moving. I know how swimming can make one very, very sore, so I’m trying to avoid that. Plus I don’t want to have a heart attack!

Tonight I went again. Yay, day two! It was hard, but I did the same thing. I remember how strong I felt last year and how I’d stretch at the end, and for fun I’d hold my breath and swim half the length of the pool under water. I loved that strength and the energy. I used to want to run just because because I felt good and felt like running from the store to my car.

But now I’m almost as gimpy as I was when I first began to swim in the late fall of November 2013, a fresh chump. My feet hurt, my knee hurts, my hips sometimes hurt and the more weight I lost and the more fit I got, the more all those things went away. I want to feel strong and pain free again.

But now that I’m not in that deep pain of betrayal, the not eating part is incredibly hard. I am not considering myself on a diet, but I am eating more of the things that I like that are also not bad for you, like Greek yogurt with fresh raspberries and honey. Or a bowl of mixed olives. I made a simple stir fry late last night using an egg for the protein.

What’s important now is that I keep swimming, not because swimming is known to help people lose weight, because it’s not. It’s very good for you, but not the best weight loss exercise. BUT, when I spend time exercising, I am much more aware of my body which makes it harder to fill it with junk.

The pool is open Monday through Thursday until 8:30 p.m. so I can at least go on those nights. That’s four times a week, not too obsessive. That’s what I am going to try to do.

Except when I can’t, like tomorrow when I am going to the Oregon Bach Festival to see St. John Passion conducted by Helmuth Rilling. I paid $68 for the ticket a month ago and am so excited about it.

On Saturday I have the breakfast for the homeless. On Sunday I have church and then the finale of the Oregon Bach festival on a free ticket that I got by introducing myself to a visitor at church. (Way to go, me!)

Doing these social things are as important as exercise to me. Learning how to be around people and feeling a part of things — it’s all part of me not just re-learning how to be “normal” but learning it in the first place.

I’ve been part of a couple since I was 17. I’ve always changed my identity according to who I was with. Now I’m free to discover who I am on my own for the very first time in my life at 58 years old.

So, it’s no wonder that it’s overwhelming at times, right?

I hope I’m back to “moving liquid” and continuing on my journey to find God, my sanity, my health, and enjoying the peace that water brings.