Back to Moving Liquid (I hope)

I had a set back emotionally last Thursday and I almost walked out on my job. I really like my young supervisor but she’s fairly inexperienced and I might be the only one in the office who reports to her, so there’s a bit of a magnifying glass on me which I wish I didn’t have. When I complained on the Chump Lady blog about my issue someone commented that it’s difficult for introverts like me to handle a front office position, and that’s so true. I do so much better when left on my own.

But on Monday when I went back to work I came back with a new attitude. I had prayed a bit but mostly I just came back determined to make it work for one reason:  it has to. There is no alternative.

Well, there is, but it is this: stay here at my parent’s house the remainder of my days, and good luck to me when they are both gone. Or, move into government subsidized housing and count other crazy old women as my neighbors, living on food stamps, unable to afford a car, etc. Sorry, crazy old women — I can’t handle you any more than I can handle myself.

I have had to pull myself up and out of that life.

After a lifetime of giving up and giving in and thinking it was all too hard and that death would be easier.

So the fact that this new life of mine is hard for me is not at all surprising. It’s just that I can’t go to my employer and say, “Hey, be patient with me if you can. I have Complex PTSD, I’m a nervous wreck, a mental case, and haven’t worked in years.” No, I don’t think I should go that route.

I have regular insurance now, with co-pays that I have to think about. I need to get to the dentist desperately, yet I can’t figure out how to get out of work. They tell me that this one person will cover for me, but then she’s gone constantly. Plus she hates covering for me. It’s not a great situation.

And I have been gaining weight for well over six months. My clothes getting tighter and tighter to the point where I can’t wear a lot of what I bought a year ago on my way down the scale.

Now that I’m pretty much adjusted to getting up and going to work at 8am and coming home at 5pm, I need to work on the rest of my life. For my sanity and for my health’s sake.

So after not swimming since before the holidays I went to the pool yesterday and spent almost an hour in the lap pool just seeing what I could do. I barely fit in my suit and I do NOT LOOK GOOD, but I was able to keep moving for the entire time. Not hard, just kept moving. I know how swimming can make one very, very sore, so I’m trying to avoid that. Plus I don’t want to have a heart attack!

Tonight I went again. Yay, day two! It was hard, but I did the same thing. I remember how strong I felt last year and how I’d stretch at the end, and for fun I’d hold my breath and swim half the length of the pool under water. I loved that strength and the energy. I used to want to run just because because I felt good and felt like running from the store to my car.

But now I’m almost as gimpy as I was when I first began to swim in the late fall of November 2013, a fresh chump. My feet hurt, my knee hurts, my hips sometimes hurt and the more weight I lost and the more fit I got, the more all those things went away. I want to feel strong and pain free again.

But now that I’m not in that deep pain of betrayal, the not eating part is incredibly hard. I am not considering myself on a diet, but I am eating more of the things that I like that are also not bad for you, like Greek yogurt with fresh raspberries and honey. Or a bowl of mixed olives. I made a simple stir fry late last night using an egg for the protein.

What’s important now is that I keep swimming, not because swimming is known to help people lose weight, because it’s not. It’s very good for you, but not the best weight loss exercise. BUT, when I spend time exercising, I am much more aware of my body which makes it harder to fill it with junk.

The pool is open Monday through Thursday until 8:30 p.m. so I can at least go on those nights. That’s four times a week, not too obsessive. That’s what I am going to try to do.

Except when I can’t, like tomorrow when I am going to the Oregon Bach Festival to see St. John Passion conducted by Helmuth Rilling. I paid $68 for the ticket a month ago and am so excited about it.

On Saturday I have the breakfast for the homeless. On Sunday I have church and then the finale of the Oregon Bach festival on a free ticket that I got by introducing myself to a visitor at church. (Way to go, me!)

Doing these social things are as important as exercise to me. Learning how to be around people and feeling a part of things — it’s all part of me not just re-learning how to be “normal” but learning it in the first place.

I’ve been part of a couple since I was 17. I’ve always changed my identity according to who I was with. Now I’m free to discover who I am on my own for the very first time in my life at 58 years old.

So, it’s no wonder that it’s overwhelming at times, right?

I hope I’m back to “moving liquid” and continuing on my journey to find God, my sanity, my health, and enjoying the peace that water brings.


9 responses to “Back to Moving Liquid (I hope)

  1. I think it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and even like giving up at times when this is all “new” to you. But you’re not giving up. That’s awesome! I love that you’re getting back to the pool. It was so important to you and really did help you feel better. Sometimes that is more important than the weight loss, but it all goes hand-in-hand. Yay for you!

    • Thanks, Cynthia. Yeah, weight loss is important, but the exercise on its own is what I need right now for strength, stamina, and a mental release. I really hope I can start and keep this routine! Have you been running? I hope you’re well.

      • I am still running. Sometimes it’s my only piece of sanity lol. I am pretty protective of it. It does make me feel stronger too.

      • Awesome, Cynthia. I hope to get that strong feeling back too! What does the Insanity work out consist of?

      • It’s just about any way you could exercise your body without weights. She changes up the routines about every 4 weeks. Jumping, squatting, lunging, planking, pushups with many variations on the usual, for example walking pushups. Lots of cardio moves mixed with strength but also designed to increase flexibility, speed, reaction time, balance. It’s truly amazing!

      • Wow! Sounds incredible. As I mentioned on your own blog, are you sure that 5 lbs isn’t just MUSCLE? Do your clothes feel the same on you?

  2. Just a tip for the dental issue… a single piece of xylitol gum after each meal. Our local stores have them at 100 for $10, near the toothpaste. It encourages enamel growth – YES, it does – and I’ve had cavities heal and enamel grow back from it. Our dentist had samples to use once – it was a new thing and I was having my wisdom teeth out so I wouldn’t be able to get filling cavaties covered for another year. When I went back a few months later, for just a cleaning? GONE. I had zero caries anywhere.

    For $10/month in gum. The gum is better than the mints because it gives the xylitol more time to work. Your spit gets a bit foamier but not rabies-like or anything. lol – the foam is kind of like gargling with hydrogen peroxide (but not THAT foamy) when trying to kill strep.

  3. insistonhonesty, wow that’s amazing. I’ll definitely pick some up. Thanks!

  4. Moving Liquid, good for you two trips to the pool and then a concert!
    I liked what you wrote about there being no alternative but to make it work.
    The other option in FOO hell or section 8 with nothing… just the biggest fear to me as well. I do not want to live with nothing more than an apartment not being able to afford a car or any activities that gave me comfort. Gaaahhhh
    That is not for you. You are going to make your job work and then you are going to find a nice little place just for you. You can do this, look how far you have come! It may take awhile, but you got this, I know you do. You are Mighty!
    I am saying this just as much for myself as I do for you. Several months of trying to make forward movement and not getting anywhere fast or having things fall apart faster than I can wrap the situation back into control is just too much wheel spinning for me. I have got to pull myself out of this funk and get shit back on the right track. It is very hard because we gotta figure this out as we are going with little to no safety net. I have had to remake myself before so what is the big deal about doing it once again? It sure beats our perceived failure alternatives.
    Thank you so very much for showing me your perseverance and supporting me along the way!

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