I had a set back emotionally last Thursday and I almost walked out on my job. I really like my young supervisor but she’s fairly inexperienced and I might be the only one in the office who reports to her, so there’s a bit of a magnifying glass on me which I wish I didn’t have. When I complained on the Chump Lady blog about my issue someone commented that it’s difficult for introverts like me to handle a front office position, and that’s so true. I do so much better when left on my own.
But on Monday when I went back to work I came back with a new attitude. I had prayed a bit but mostly I just came back determined to make it work for one reason: it has to. There is no alternative.
Well, there is, but it is this: stay here at my parent’s house the remainder of my days, and good luck to me when they are both gone. Or, move into government subsidized housing and count other crazy old women as my neighbors, living on food stamps, unable to afford a car, etc. Sorry, crazy old women — I can’t handle you any more than I can handle myself.
I have had to pull myself up and out of that life.
After a lifetime of giving up and giving in and thinking it was all too hard and that death would be easier.
So the fact that this new life of mine is hard for me is not at all surprising. It’s just that I can’t go to my employer and say, “Hey, be patient with me if you can. I have Complex PTSD, I’m a nervous wreck, a mental case, and haven’t worked in years.” No, I don’t think I should go that route.
I have regular insurance now, with co-pays that I have to think about. I need to get to the dentist desperately, yet I can’t figure out how to get out of work. They tell me that this one person will cover for me, but then she’s gone constantly. Plus she hates covering for me. It’s not a great situation.
And I have been gaining weight for well over six months. My clothes getting tighter and tighter to the point where I can’t wear a lot of what I bought a year ago on my way down the scale.
Now that I’m pretty much adjusted to getting up and going to work at 8am and coming home at 5pm, I need to work on the rest of my life. For my sanity and for my health’s sake.
So after not swimming since before the holidays I went to the pool yesterday and spent almost an hour in the lap pool just seeing what I could do. I barely fit in my suit and I do NOT LOOK GOOD, but I was able to keep moving for the entire time. Not hard, just kept moving. I know how swimming can make one very, very sore, so I’m trying to avoid that. Plus I don’t want to have a heart attack!
Tonight I went again. Yay, day two! It was hard, but I did the same thing. I remember how strong I felt last year and how I’d stretch at the end, and for fun I’d hold my breath and swim half the length of the pool under water. I loved that strength and the energy. I used to want to run just because because I felt good and felt like running from the store to my car.
But now I’m almost as gimpy as I was when I first began to swim in the late fall of November 2013, a fresh chump. My feet hurt, my knee hurts, my hips sometimes hurt and the more weight I lost and the more fit I got, the more all those things went away. I want to feel strong and pain free again.
But now that I’m not in that deep pain of betrayal, the not eating part is incredibly hard. I am not considering myself on a diet, but I am eating more of the things that I like that are also not bad for you, like Greek yogurt with fresh raspberries and honey. Or a bowl of mixed olives. I made a simple stir fry late last night using an egg for the protein.
What’s important now is that I keep swimming, not because swimming is known to help people lose weight, because it’s not. It’s very good for you, but not the best weight loss exercise. BUT, when I spend time exercising, I am much more aware of my body which makes it harder to fill it with junk.
The pool is open Monday through Thursday until 8:30 p.m. so I can at least go on those nights. That’s four times a week, not too obsessive. That’s what I am going to try to do.
Except when I can’t, like tomorrow when I am going to the Oregon Bach Festival to see St. John Passion conducted by Helmuth Rilling. I paid $68 for the ticket a month ago and am so excited about it.
On Saturday I have the breakfast for the homeless. On Sunday I have church and then the finale of the Oregon Bach festival on a free ticket that I got by introducing myself to a visitor at church. (Way to go, me!)
Doing these social things are as important as exercise to me. Learning how to be around people and feeling a part of things — it’s all part of me not just re-learning how to be “normal” but learning it in the first place.
I’ve been part of a couple since I was 17. I’ve always changed my identity according to who I was with. Now I’m free to discover who I am on my own for the very first time in my life at 58 years old.
So, it’s no wonder that it’s overwhelming at times, right?
I hope I’m back to “moving liquid” and continuing on my journey to find God, my sanity, my health, and enjoying the peace that water brings.