Tension & Stress is an Everyday Part of Life that I’ve Never Learned to Deal With

Two days of swimming and my nose would not stop running and my ear was throbbing and still is. My teeth, 3/4 of my mouth are killing me. Not sure if the teeth pain is affecting my sinuses or my sinuses causing teeth pain, or both. I meant to call the dentist today to try to start setting up appointments, but once again I didn’t know how to make time to get away from work. I’m taking my dad’s prescription strength Alleve.

An opening is going to come up at work and I’d do anything to get off the front desk and away from this lack of freedom. I hate that about receptionist work. Everyone else is free but me. I can’t stand it. But I’m only now settling into my position, and I don’t know if they’d consider me for a new one. But if I don’t apply for it, some young advocate is going to apply for it and I’ll be answering her phones. As it is they might prefer an advocate over me anyway, but I feel I have to try to get off that front desk. Now I’m frightened all over again.

And my mom and dad have been fighting so badly — the tension here is really getting to me. My mom’s behavior is almost impossible to describe. Why oh why didn’t she leave him long ago? Don’t they both deserve a happier end of days than what they are experiencing now? Fuck! It’s SO BAD.

But I fear she’s going to demand that I leave any day now and I’ve been trying to find out if I qualify for a mortgage and the dumb mortgage company keeps dropping the ball and not calling me back. I’m watching little houses sell left and right until there’s none left and I still don’t know if anyone will give me a loan. I only have about 13% of the deposit and I was hoping to get closer to 20%. I also don’t have the cushion I was hoping to get so that I have a little saved in case of emergency, like car repair. If I buy a house right now I’ll be house poor, that’s for sure. But if I go out and rent a $800 a month apartment, I’ll be throwing money down the toilet and I’ll never save the rest of the money I need.

I pay them and I buy food and I do some chores and most of the time they seem happy that I’m here, but my mom is behaving worse than usual right now and I fear it’s about to slip out that she wants me out. I don’t blame her. She probably hates that someone else sees how bad their marriage is. She is probably ashamed.

My brother and his wife and son are coming up in three weeks or so so she’s already distracted by that, thank goodness. But at the same time it’s hard because she literally makes plans for every minute that they are here.

Her devotion to him, and to his wife and son overshadows everything else in the world. No one can disagree with mom except him — NO ONE. It’s a good thing I love my brother. Her favoritism towards him isn’t his fault.

A person on ChumpLady said I constantly talk badly about my mom, but not my dad, the cheater. Yes, dad was a cheater, and he was an asshole for doing that. She shouldn’t have taken him back and he shouldn’t have come back. He may be a cheater, which is despicable, but she’s the narcissist, and it’s her narc traits, her passive aggressive anger, her hatred of women including her own daughters, that have affected me.

When I say I’ve never met a person who is more sad than my mother in my entire life, I am not exaggerating. And, like any narc, she is incapable of any sort of self examination or self improvement. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is someone else’s fault. Their relationship makes me sick and when they fight I fucking get triggered to my childhood.

I should not have tried to write. It’s far too late. I’ve got to get to bed. Maybe I’ll try to clean this up a bit tomorrow.


5 responses to “Tension & Stress is an Everyday Part of Life that I’ve Never Learned to Deal With

  1. Xylitol gum. Go and get it, PLEASE.:/ Tooth/gum pain affected my outlook on everything… it’s such a lulling ROAR with bursts of anguish that it takes over and makes everything seem awful. I didn’t know, until I’d fixed it, how wretched I’d seen things. My anxiety lessened almost entirely. ❤

    • My God you’re so right. I just told my dad last night that I’m sure I’m hardly aware any more of how bad this pain is because it’s been creeping on for so long. I looked for the gum ONE time and then forgot. I’m leaving right now early for work and will stop and buy it right now. THANK YOU.

  2. ML, sorry you are in pain and feeling down. I have been in horrible pain since the two surgeries and the Enbrel break. I have been absent here for a while and our common support group. Pain really does change ones personality and that is why I have been silent. My doctor suggested homeopathic Arnica montana and Rhus toxicodendron. I was using left over Percoset from the surgeries and then tried the two homeopathics together… seriously, it was life changing. I am coming out of the pain personality.
    Do you think that there is a chance you are allergic to chlorine in the pool? Is there any way you could test out swimming in a non chlorine pool? Chlorine used to be a real issue for me when I was younger and caused all kinds of ear jaw infections. I know you need the dental work done, but is there any way to see if the chlorine is inflaming your sinuses exacerbating the dental issue?
    That FOO stuff is crippling. You are doing the best you can right now and I am in the same boat biding my time gathering money and energy for my own place. I do not want to rent because it will take away from savings for the homestead. I also do not want to be in an attached building with others anymore. I have had it with the circus of bullshit here myself.
    Don’t worry about the house mortgage. If the loan officer becomes problematic, I will help you do research for alternative home ownership programs in your area.
    I am sending you positive vibes ML! Just keep taking steps even if they are small. All the Best, EchoNoMorr

    • ENM, you’re the Queen of Alternative Medicine! I’m busy taking notes so I can try other ways to get a grip on my pain. My first actual dental work happens tomorrow afternoon. I’m so nervous about it I asked him for valium and he prescribed me some. I’m taking it tonight to be able to get to sleep and again 30 minutes before the appointment. My dad is going to drive me there! The dentist will be taking out a gold crown that’s been in my mouth since I was 12 and I told him I could not bear to think of what’s under that crown! So I hope to be a bit loopy by the time dad drives me home.

      I think there may be a pool or two in town that are salt water, but I’m not sure. It’s something to look into for sure, it’s just a shame because this pool is so nice and it’s really close to my folk’s home.

      I wrote to the mortgage people again on Sunday and have not heart from them since — this is the weirdest customer service EVER. I’ve decided they have until this Friday to talk to me and assure me they’re working for me. If they don’t get in touch they are dead to me as of Friday at 5pm! So yeah, I’ll be open to other ideas about home loans.

      I hope your pain is easing and that the enbrel helps with your symptoms — you certainly deserve a break! Thanks for all your support and encouragement. xox

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