Two days of swimming and my nose would not stop running and my ear was throbbing and still is. My teeth, 3/4 of my mouth are killing me. Not sure if the teeth pain is affecting my sinuses or my sinuses causing teeth pain, or both. I meant to call the dentist today to try to start setting up appointments, but once again I didn’t know how to make time to get away from work. I’m taking my dad’s prescription strength Alleve.
An opening is going to come up at work and I’d do anything to get off the front desk and away from this lack of freedom. I hate that about receptionist work. Everyone else is free but me. I can’t stand it. But I’m only now settling into my position, and I don’t know if they’d consider me for a new one. But if I don’t apply for it, some young advocate is going to apply for it and I’ll be answering her phones. As it is they might prefer an advocate over me anyway, but I feel I have to try to get off that front desk. Now I’m frightened all over again.
And my mom and dad have been fighting so badly — the tension here is really getting to me. My mom’s behavior is almost impossible to describe. Why oh why didn’t she leave him long ago? Don’t they both deserve a happier end of days than what they are experiencing now? Fuck! It’s SO BAD.
But I fear she’s going to demand that I leave any day now and I’ve been trying to find out if I qualify for a mortgage and the dumb mortgage company keeps dropping the ball and not calling me back. I’m watching little houses sell left and right until there’s none left and I still don’t know if anyone will give me a loan. I only have about 13% of the deposit and I was hoping to get closer to 20%. I also don’t have the cushion I was hoping to get so that I have a little saved in case of emergency, like car repair. If I buy a house right now I’ll be house poor, that’s for sure. But if I go out and rent a $800 a month apartment, I’ll be throwing money down the toilet and I’ll never save the rest of the money I need.
I pay them and I buy food and I do some chores and most of the time they seem happy that I’m here, but my mom is behaving worse than usual right now and I fear it’s about to slip out that she wants me out. I don’t blame her. She probably hates that someone else sees how bad their marriage is. She is probably ashamed.
My brother and his wife and son are coming up in three weeks or so so she’s already distracted by that, thank goodness. But at the same time it’s hard because she literally makes plans for every minute that they are here.
Her devotion to him, and to his wife and son overshadows everything else in the world. No one can disagree with mom except him — NO ONE. It’s a good thing I love my brother. Her favoritism towards him isn’t his fault.
A person on ChumpLady said I constantly talk badly about my mom, but not my dad, the cheater. Yes, dad was a cheater, and he was an asshole for doing that. She shouldn’t have taken him back and he shouldn’t have come back. He may be a cheater, which is despicable, but she’s the narcissist, and it’s her narc traits, her passive aggressive anger, her hatred of women including her own daughters, that have affected me.
When I say I’ve never met a person who is more sad than my mother in my entire life, I am not exaggerating. And, like any narc, she is incapable of any sort of self examination or self improvement. Everything and I mean EVERYTHING is someone else’s fault. Their relationship makes me sick and when they fight I fucking get triggered to my childhood.
I should not have tried to write. It’s far too late. I’ve got to get to bed. Maybe I’ll try to clean this up a bit tomorrow.