I’m Lonely

I finally have a dental appointment for this Wednesday so I’m just doing all I can to keep the pain under control. I have pain all over my mouth so this is probably going to set me back about $4,000 or $5,000 and time off work to get it all done. I feel pissed at my ex-husband for making me live a life where I had no dental coverage. When we lived in the UK he got all free coverage with their National Health Care, but I had no coverage except at emergency rooms, which I found myself at once after a suicide attempt.

When we lived in the US I had health insurance but no dental, and he had nothing. I’ve spent my life until I met him playing by the rules, having insurance, taking care of my teeth not taking anything for free. Life with him changed all that.

I’m only now getting back to being the kind of citizen I was before I met him. It’s not easy. It’s expensive. But I am determined to it no matter how much I have to do without.

It’s about 100 degrees outside. Too hot to do anything, really. I should clean my room so that I can at least have a little space to do crafts or painting. I finally have a dozen tubes of Liquitex acrylic paint — enough colors to make any other color I might want, and a few brushes. I have a small portable easel in my car but I need to make some room in here in order to set it up. At the same time I’m fearful that I’ve forgotten how to paint.

I saw a job I am qualified for that pays a little more and is only 35 hours a week. It’s with a very large non profit. I don’t know what my current employer would think of me if I were to get a job and leave after such a short time, but I feel I got off on the wrong foot with them and don’t think they’ll consider me for positions that get me away from the front desk.

No matter what they say, I am always the odd one out; the one who can’t attend the meeting they’re all at; the one who is emptying the trash. I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll send in my application and if I get an interview, I’ll decide later.

But what’s got me down today, really down, is that I am so tired of being alone. In three months it’ll have been two years since I was intimate with a man and since I did anything with another person. I’m feeling real shame that I am incapable of making friends and frankly I don’t really understand it.

Obviously most of the people at work are very young, younger than my daughter, and we would not really socialize together. But people seem happy to see me at church and yet no one invites me to do anything. I’m still trying to figure out if ANYBODY there is single. There’s a woman I really liked, and a man I was slightly attracted to, and I just found out yesterday that they’re married to one another — whoa, I’m feeling ridiculous about that.

Everyone seems to have someone.

I keep thinking that if I had my own place, whether I buy or rent, I’d have other things to do, like I’d get into French baking or certainly have more room for painting and crafts. I might even have my own yard to work in.

But in talking to the mortgage folks this week, I have the strong feeling that it’s not my bankruptcy that will hold me back but my lack of work experience in the last several years. Shit. So they may tell me to come back in a year, which would really be a shame, then I’d move into an apartment and do my best to hang on to the deposit I already have and just pray that in a year I still have that $20,000 to put down on a house. It’s not likely it’ll grow if I’m paying rent.

I like to think that owning my own small home would make me feel better, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe it would make me more aware of all the responsibility I have that is mine alone.

I really don’t want anyone to tell me I’m likable and will have friends someday. Or that I might meet a nice man someday. Right now I just want to fucking wallow because I’m so mad that in spite of everything I’ve done to pull myself up — HE, my ex husband, is fucking a 27 year old and socializing with all his stupid friends, and I have no one.

I think about all the wrong turns I’ve taken in my life that have landed me here and I feel such remorse and shame. My will to live is shrinking. I’ll pray to God tonight and tomorrow at church to please help me. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang in there. I had this naive belief that if I was a good person, fixed my life, returned to my core values, that things would fall into place for me.

Not the case, evidently.

P.S. My 81 year old dad has been in the bathroom for over an hour throwing up violently. I went to tell my mom and she told him to take Pepto Bismol and then told him he ate too much today. She went back to watching tv and hasn’t come to check on him since. I’ve got Kate Bush playing loud because the sound of him vomiting is greatly upsetting me. She doesn’t love him. He doesn’t love her. I guess I’d rather be alone than have what they have.

Two Days Later

I could hardly get through the day. My headaches are so horrendous. At lunch my ex messaged me and asked me to call him so I did. Mistake. He asked if the court was going to send him anything about our divorce. I said no, you have to go down and pay for it if you want it. I asked him if he would leave the area (for the 100th time) and he said yes. He said he’s been looking at ads in Portland for 2 weeks. I’d be shocked to find if he has enough money to move after all he owed people. But I need him to leave.

When he complained about the job market here I made the mistake of telling him that I was not happy with my job, that I do not do well at front desk positions. That I was freaking out about giving up my disability. He asked me if I had time to meet him for coffee.

I started to cry. I told him, “I’m not your friend and I’m not your project. This is my life now. Working and trying to make ends meet. I have to go now.” And I hung up.

He had just asked me if I was still interested in my own business, which I always have been and always will be. We used to have the most amazing discussions about business ideas — it was one thing we did really well together. I loved that one aspect of our relationship. But no, I didn’t take the bait and chat with him about business ideas.

I never did make it to the bank. Went back to work and somehow got through until 5 pm with a throbbing headache. I pray that all these headaches are connected to my dental issues and that they begin to ease up when the work starts. I pray.

But today, right now, I feel utterly hopeless and uninterested in continuing living. There’s nothing I can do about that, but that’s where I’m at. My first paycheck came today with the new hourly rate and the check seemed  surprisingly small. If I bought a house easily half would go to the loan, insurance, and tax. Can I live on $1000 a month? I doubt it.

So what did I gain by going  back to work? Who am I trying to prove that I can do this? I can’t fucking do this.

I’m going to medicate myself now and get on my knees and pray for help. I haven’t felt this low since I found out he had another woman.

Fuck my life.


7 responses to “I’m Lonely

  1. So sorry to hear you’re having a rough time with life. Do you think it would help to get back in therapy? I hope the dentist can help with your pain. That kind of sounds like an emergency tho, especially if it’s giving you headaches! I’m so proud of you for hanging up on your ex. He’s playing the same games and it sounds like you’re done playing his game. There’s a lot of good in your life, you’re taking care of yourself quite well. As for friends, maybe you could make the first move. Invite someone to coffee? Or something as simple as calling someone? I love your visions for your future, don’t stop dreaming. It’s something more of us should do. You can’t achieve it if you don’t envision it.

  2. Cynthia, you’re such a good friend. Thank you for saying that. It’s also so nice of you to speak kindly about my visions for my future. It’s so easy to just assume I’m just a dreamer and that’s all I’ll ever be. I’d love to go to therapy regularly, but for now any time off I get will be spent in the dentist chair (first apt tomorrow, thank god).

    There is a lovely woman from church who has a partner but we seem to have clicked and I was thinking of inviting her to a movie. She likes arty movies like me, so perhaps we can see one together that her man doesn’t have an interest in. At any rate, I think she’d say yes and it could be the beginning of a relationship.

    Today I went to work and did my job well and was relaxed about it. I know that on my decent days I am an asset to them. I told myself it’s only eight hours a day. I still have another eight hours a day to do stuff in! Tomorrow night I’m going to a business start up Meetup group so who knows what I’ll learn or who I’ll meet, right?

    Thanks for being my friend, Cynthia. You’ve been here for me for a year and a half and I’m so appreciative.


  3. I read most of your blog over the last two days. You my lady are way stronger than you even realize. And yes, you do need to get back in the pool- it gets out your stress, it lets you have silence to think, it keeps you away from your parents, and it helps keep your weight down. But you are so fucking strong!!!! Look at all the things you’ve overcome. At 57/8, and these tiny bitches at work should hope to be so strong. Your mentality compared to when you first started blogging, it’s a 180. Have no fear, you’re close to triumph. You’re amazing. Watch the unbreakable kimmy Schmidt (or something like that) on Netflix when you get the chance. You’re fierce. More fierce than Beyoncé (the singer, not the metal chicken on bloggess)

    • Alex, thank you for your inspiring comment. I sat down to look at email just now on my way out the door and your comment has given me such a boost. THANK YOU. I’ll read it again later when I get home this evening! xox

  4. ML, I am sorry you feel so very lonely right now. Just like Cynthia, if I were close, I would be your in real life friend, all three of us could hang out and have coffee, lovely food and do creative soul enriching activities.
    As far as your x, I am glad you are not interested in taking him up on contact. He is not like you, nor are his friends, they have no moral compass and you deserve better than that. Alone is better than torture and usury any day… or so I keep consoling myself.
    I also hate the x because of where my life is now and the financial limitations I face. You have come so far in two years! Be proud! Change unfortunately does not happen overnight but you are surely in the midst of change for the better right now.
    No man for 2 years… same here. It would be nice to be coupled, but I do not want to live in agony like your parents… What happens happens. Right now you are working on learning to love you. Have you considered attending local 12 step ACA meetings? They are based on learning self love as if you are parenting yourself. There are some fantastic meetings in my area and it was a great way to meet people.
    Just keep caring for you. Applying for a new job sounds like a good idea, as you are currently under employed. See what happens. You are just casting the fishing net for your new life, you never know what will happen or who you will meet.
    Alex had a great post. ML, you are mighty and you are doing it despite what happened and how hard it is to chart a new course right now.
    Just keep envisioning the future with you being the main character.
    I am always here in cyber space sharing your hurt and cheering on your success.

    • ENM, sorry it took me so long to respond and thanks for your encouragement. I consider you a friend and enjoy our phone conversations and I’m rooting for you as you root for me. I will look into the 12 Step ACA meetings. I’m open to pretty much anything! I met a young woman who I used to work with tonight for drinks and appetizers and it was lovely just being out of the house and chatting with someone face to face. It made me think, hey, I want more of that in my life. Today I am feeling hopeful, both for myself and for you.


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