I finally have a dental appointment for this Wednesday so I’m just doing all I can to keep the pain under control. I have pain all over my mouth so this is probably going to set me back about $4,000 or $5,000 and time off work to get it all done. I feel pissed at my ex-husband for making me live a life where I had no dental coverage. When we lived in the UK he got all free coverage with their National Health Care, but I had no coverage except at emergency rooms, which I found myself at once after a suicide attempt.
When we lived in the US I had health insurance but no dental, and he had nothing. I’ve spent my life until I met him playing by the rules, having insurance, taking care of my teeth not taking anything for free. Life with him changed all that.
I’m only now getting back to being the kind of citizen I was before I met him. It’s not easy. It’s expensive. But I am determined to it no matter how much I have to do without.
It’s about 100 degrees outside. Too hot to do anything, really. I should clean my room so that I can at least have a little space to do crafts or painting. I finally have a dozen tubes of Liquitex acrylic paint — enough colors to make any other color I might want, and a few brushes. I have a small portable easel in my car but I need to make some room in here in order to set it up. At the same time I’m fearful that I’ve forgotten how to paint.
I saw a job I am qualified for that pays a little more and is only 35 hours a week. It’s with a very large non profit. I don’t know what my current employer would think of me if I were to get a job and leave after such a short time, but I feel I got off on the wrong foot with them and don’t think they’ll consider me for positions that get me away from the front desk.
No matter what they say, I am always the odd one out; the one who can’t attend the meeting they’re all at; the one who is emptying the trash. I’m not sure what to do. I guess I’ll send in my application and if I get an interview, I’ll decide later.
But what’s got me down today, really down, is that I am so tired of being alone. In three months it’ll have been two years since I was intimate with a man and since I did anything with another person. I’m feeling real shame that I am incapable of making friends and frankly I don’t really understand it.
Obviously most of the people at work are very young, younger than my daughter, and we would not really socialize together. But people seem happy to see me at church and yet no one invites me to do anything. I’m still trying to figure out if ANYBODY there is single. There’s a woman I really liked, and a man I was slightly attracted to, and I just found out yesterday that they’re married to one another — whoa, I’m feeling ridiculous about that.
Everyone seems to have someone.
I keep thinking that if I had my own place, whether I buy or rent, I’d have other things to do, like I’d get into French baking or certainly have more room for painting and crafts. I might even have my own yard to work in.
But in talking to the mortgage folks this week, I have the strong feeling that it’s not my bankruptcy that will hold me back but my lack of work experience in the last several years. Shit. So they may tell me to come back in a year, which would really be a shame, then I’d move into an apartment and do my best to hang on to the deposit I already have and just pray that in a year I still have that $20,000 to put down on a house. It’s not likely it’ll grow if I’m paying rent.
I like to think that owning my own small home would make me feel better, but maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe it would make me more aware of all the responsibility I have that is mine alone.
I really don’t want anyone to tell me I’m likable and will have friends someday. Or that I might meet a nice man someday. Right now I just want to fucking wallow because I’m so mad that in spite of everything I’ve done to pull myself up — HE, my ex husband, is fucking a 27 year old and socializing with all his stupid friends, and I have no one.
I think about all the wrong turns I’ve taken in my life that have landed me here and I feel such remorse and shame. My will to live is shrinking. I’ll pray to God tonight and tomorrow at church to please help me. I’m not sure how much longer I can hang in there. I had this naive belief that if I was a good person, fixed my life, returned to my core values, that things would fall into place for me.
Not the case, evidently.
P.S. My 81 year old dad has been in the bathroom for over an hour throwing up violently. I went to tell my mom and she told him to take Pepto Bismol and then told him he ate too much today. She went back to watching tv and hasn’t come to check on him since. I’ve got Kate Bush playing loud because the sound of him vomiting is greatly upsetting me. She doesn’t love him. He doesn’t love her. I guess I’d rather be alone than have what they have.
Two Days Later
I could hardly get through the day. My headaches are so horrendous. At lunch my ex messaged me and asked me to call him so I did. Mistake. He asked if the court was going to send him anything about our divorce. I said no, you have to go down and pay for it if you want it. I asked him if he would leave the area (for the 100th time) and he said yes. He said he’s been looking at ads in Portland for 2 weeks. I’d be shocked to find if he has enough money to move after all he owed people. But I need him to leave.
When he complained about the job market here I made the mistake of telling him that I was not happy with my job, that I do not do well at front desk positions. That I was freaking out about giving up my disability. He asked me if I had time to meet him for coffee.
I started to cry. I told him, “I’m not your friend and I’m not your project. This is my life now. Working and trying to make ends meet. I have to go now.” And I hung up.
He had just asked me if I was still interested in my own business, which I always have been and always will be. We used to have the most amazing discussions about business ideas — it was one thing we did really well together. I loved that one aspect of our relationship. But no, I didn’t take the bait and chat with him about business ideas.
I never did make it to the bank. Went back to work and somehow got through until 5 pm with a throbbing headache. I pray that all these headaches are connected to my dental issues and that they begin to ease up when the work starts. I pray.
But today, right now, I feel utterly hopeless and uninterested in continuing living. There’s nothing I can do about that, but that’s where I’m at. My first paycheck came today with the new hourly rate and the check seemed surprisingly small. If I bought a house easily half would go to the loan, insurance, and tax. Can I live on $1000 a month? I doubt it.
So what did I gain by going back to work? Who am I trying to prove that I can do this? I can’t fucking do this.
I’m going to medicate myself now and get on my knees and pray for help. I haven’t felt this low since I found out he had another woman.
Fuck my life.