And Life Goes On

I’m settling in to life. Work is fine. It’s usually quite interesting. There are only seven of us in the office and we get along well even though we need more office space. I enjoy/admire some more than others, but that’s normal.

Since I found out I can’t buy a home until after next June when my bankruptcy will be two years old so I decided to invest in a better mattress for this daybed I sleep in in my parent’s spare bedroom. I’ll leave it here when I go, naturally. It’s firm, which I like, but I am still adjusting to it. The other mattress was soft and lumpy.

One tooth fixed, three or four more to go. I won’t be saving anything in the next several months as this dental work is very expensive. The dental coverage at work is not so great. The good news is that I am lucky enough to get it done; I love my dentist; and I am not in pain like I was a few weeks ago. My own sister’s teeth are so bad she can only eat soft foods. I am fortunate, indeed.

I’m not sure why I did it, but after all this time (since Lent) I snooped on one of my ex’s many email accounts. I felt bad about it since we’re now divorced but there was nothing there really. He must have figured out I was looking at it because there was only junk there. Funny that he just didn’t change the password! But through internet searches I saw that he’s planning to import some stuff from China to re-sell in the USA.

He’s bought the internet domain name but there’s only a “coming  soon” on it. He bought the internet name in July. No wonder he decided last month that I was no longer worth sharing with — he needs this money to start a business and his needs are greater than mine!

But I know him. I lived with him for eight years and dozens of “almost-businesses” that never happened. I’ve bought a dozen domain names that never became anything except the one I ran myself, a news website for kids that is now no longer online. Sad. I was so proud of it and worked very hard on it for over two years. But it was what it was because I ran it, not him.

There was nothing “juicy” on that email account to hit me like a sledge hammer as it did last year since it appears not to be used much any more. But there were emails from Anthropologie showing all these favorited clothes for woman. Pretty, feminine things that I would have liked if I were young, slim, and had that kind of budget. So that did make me sad. He’s still with his affair partner. Only now, after almost two years, they’re just a couple — no longer affair partners.

I can’t even get any satisfaction that she’s wised up and left him. No. He’s no doubt still love-bombing and charming her even though he doesn’t have a dime. Oh, and he’s still answering Craigslist ads from other women, so yeah, he’s doing that.

Last time I spoke with him (well, texted) he said he had five days to vacate as his friend was evicting him. I wrote that he needs to look up tenant’s rights and sent him a link. What a chump I am. A letter to vacate is not the same as a court order. Baffling to me that this guy is still on his way to sponsoring his kids and becoming an American citizen. He can’t work because he can’t get hired. He can’t pay rent or utilities.

Several months ago I saw an anime bracelet I thought one of my step daughters would love (Harijuku Lovers charm bracelet by Gwen Stefani). I bought it to send it to her in London but then found out they had moved so I just held on to it. Earlier today I wrote to her and asked her if I could send it to her. I sent her a photo of it. And she wrote back, after no communication for over four months saying it didn’t suit her, but thanks for thinking of her.

God knows what he’s told her about me and my greediness to get my hands on HIS money. But I lost her long ago since he was introducing her to my replacement while my pillow was still warm. My replacement is younger, and not stressed at having lost everything she ever worked for.

So last week he did tell OUR attorney that our original deal, to split the proceeds of our two lawsuits 50/50 was back in place. Why? Because I told him that the money would be tied up for a long time while we bickered over it. He wrote to me to tell me and to demand that I stop sending him “long emails” and how it’s more polite to call instead.

First, I can’t recall the last time I sent him an email more than three sentences long, and secondly, a known liar, traitor, and betrayer has no business telling me how to be polite. I answered him with crickets. But I will continue to use email or text as our only communication because he makes verbal promises that he does not keep. I like having a record of his promises and I don’t like the sound of his voice.

After a super hot summer the weather is finally changing and it’s beginning to feel like Oregon again. I’m hesitant to say I am looking forward to Autumn because once the sun leaves us here, it can take a while to show up again. But frankly it’s a relief. Time moves on. And before I know it the holidays will be over and my countdown to buying my own place will be here.

There’s only one thing I wish — that I had someone in my life to share things with. Someone to take care of and to take care of me. I don’t know if that’s in my future, since i have no crystal ball.

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4 responses to “And Life Goes On

  1. ML,
    It really sounds like life is going on… New things are coming into your life just as the old that did not suit you is falling away. If you are choosy about what you let in, you will have a wonderful rest of your life.
    So sweet of you to think about LN’s daughter… I am sorry that she has been estranged, but there will be new people who will love your kindness. I certainly appreciate you and your kind gestures!
    So wise of you to only communicate via e-mail with the x. Yes he has been proven to be untrustworthy, so any interaction will be recorded in case you need it in the future. Sad isn’t it that life must be that way.
    In regards to LN and HA still together, it is a disaster waiting to happen. You know your x well and from the sounds of it nothing about him has changed. Still looking at other options in personal ads and still not working costing another human being more money. The way I look at is that HA will eventually tire of being an option and a source of financial support and she will rid herself of him for self preservation. If you care anymore, you can be amused that LN was discarded because he is a man child IF NOT, you know full well how it felt at the end of your relationship and you can empathize that HA is being used and sucked dry on every level. You will have proof that LN is a monster and just uses people until they are almost dead from his neediness. I hope that this is not upsetting you in any way. I believe a user is a user no matter where they are, they are still a user and they use people because they can get away with that. It has nothing to do with the victim except poor boundaries and lack of self worth. The user is the monster, the victim is just too darn accommodating.
    After all you have been through in the name of love and standing by another person, you deserve some time for extreme self care and self love. The more you are in love with you and your new life, the more you will attract life!
    I can understand the feelings of loneliness and wanting someone with whom to share the good things in my life. On the car ride back from my vacation, I had pangs of wanting him or someone there holding my hand on the ride or a partner waiting at home…
    My trip was full of opportunities to enforce my boundaries instead of just giving in to others. I did not feel as much guilt as I normally would have by just saying no. It was such a wonderful liberating feeling. At the same time, I also had such wonderful fellowship.
    The ride home sadness was quelled by the beautiful scenery and it is really not necessary to have a partner there to enjoy that!
    I do not want the end of my marriage that almost killed me to be the last chapter in my story any more. Even solo, loving myself is a life affirming job. I want to be very discerning about who I let close to me from here on out and if/when I find the right person, it will be the last love of my life.
    The tragedies that befell us are actually an un asked for gift from the Universe. We have the chance to be free again and possibly find something we could have never imagined existed in our old lives.
    Thank you so much for baring your soul here, your words are inspiring and thought provoking.

    • I love what you write about loving yourself being a “life affirming job.” That is a really beautiful sentiment and goal. It was only because of him, this particular man, who made me realize all the puzzle pieces of my life and how broken and incomplete I’ve been due to severe abuse as a very young child. I’m grateful that I am having this awakening and growing up even though it is painful and awkward to do so at my age. Just like you, ENM, I refuse to have that relationship and that man be the last chapter in my story — no way! Thank you so much for your encouragement — you have no idea how helpful it is to me. xox

  2. You sound so grounded and healthy. Please keep it up. Your goals are about moving yourself forward, and about becoming who you need and want to be. That’s beautiful. Your story is so awesome.

    • Alex, bless you for saying that. I feel I’m coming into my own and it’s an amazing feeling since I have never known who I am in my entire life!

      AND, tonight, just an hour or so ago, I was walking through a charity shop and began to talk to a man who was looking at an interesting piece of furniture. Next thing I know it’s been 20 minutes of us talking and laughing.

      You have to know how significant that is for me. It felt so nice and natural. I have no idea if he’s single and I’ll probably never see him again, but it was a first! And he seemed to really enjoy talking to me too.

      Just that small act makes me believe there may someday be a special person in my life again. And in the meantime I’m still learning to love and appreciate myself.

      Thank you, Alex, for your encouragement.

      xox

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