I’m Pretty Sure I Need to Find My Own Place Sooner Rather Than Later.

On Monday, the holiday, I got hit with a cold like a sledgehammer. I dragged myself into work on Tuesday and Wednesday and barely got through the days. I finally caved in and stayed home today, and I’m glad of it. I’m just laying in bed watching Netflix and drinking one hot thing after another. I think I’ve got a low grade fever.

When I came home yesterday I laid right down and after an hour or two my dad hollered that dinner was ready, my mom had made BLTs. I neglected to tell her that I don’t want to eat any more pig products but went out and ate because I was hungry. When I complimented her on the sandwich she made a comment something like, “Well, this isn’t exactly brain surgery. I’d hope a person my age would be able to make a BLT.”

When I was done I sat with my face resting in my hands and my eyes were closed and mom announced, “I CAN’T get sick. I can’t get sick and your dad can’t get sick. We have to do everything we can to avoid getting sick and that’s especially true here in the kitchen.”

My dad said nothing and I said nothing. Pretty soon I went back to bed.

It dawned on me that she’s never asked me how I’m feeling. Never once asked me if I’d like a cup of tea. No. The only thing she’s done is behave as though I could help being sick.

Yes, Ma. I got sick because I stay out late and burn my candle at both ends. Oh, wait, I don’t do that. Never mind. It’s not my place to judge her. I just don’t get her.

She has my dad wait on her constantly all day and all night when she’s in her recliner and her usual excuse for that is that she has a dog in her lap and can’t or won’t displace them.

But when she doesn’t feel good, in spite of the fact that she’s never looked after me or nurtured me in any way, I always offer her things. And even if she says no sometimes I bring it anyway. And I offer things to her all day long, especially if my dad isn’t around.

I’m in a snot based fog right now and can hardly type, but I am having this awful realization of what a truly cold person she is and I mean that in a drastic, horrible way. Truly cold.

I’ve lived here for almost two years and have gone to great lengths to avoid bringing illness into this house primarily because my dad has COPD and a bad cold could lead to death.

But I fear a rough winter ahead of me with everybody at work sharing one cold after another and I don’t want to hear about it from mom or give them a cold. So I’ve started to look at places to rent although I doubt anything will come of it.

Almost every Sunday I feel there is a message for me either in the readings, the sermon, or the songs. Last week someone read this last Sunday:

James 2:14-26

 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but do not have works? Can faith save you? If a brother or sister is naked and lacks daily food, and one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and eat your fill’, and yet you do not supply their bodily needs, what is the good of that? So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead.

And I thought to myself how my mom can’t get along with people at a church and therefore never goes. She considers herself a devout Christian but please just tell me one act that she does to make the world a better place?

Well, she’s kind to her dogs. Perhaps even overly kind. She lets me stay here which is kind of her.

Other than that, I got nothing.

I feel like saying to her, “Mom, there’s a quilting group at my church, and a knitters guild.” But she’s come up with some excuse about how that doesn’t suit her. Plus, I really don’t want her to decide suddenly to go to my church. I know that’s not kind, but God knows my reasons.

She did go with me once, about two years ago and it was clear that the Episcopal ways are just too Catholic for her tastes. That’s fine. I know that it’s not for everyone — I really like that formality. But she’s prefer an informal sermon and someone with a guitar on stage.

I remember that service, it was only the 2nd time I’ve been to my church, before I was committed to it. And she wanted to hold my hand and so I held hers. And the feeling made me feel disgusted and made me want to run and hide.

We are two broken women.

I’m hoping they’ll be leaving soon for their trek at the mall. I want to open my door and get some fresh air.

Yep, I need to leave this place.


Three hours later.

My parents went to a long awaited doctor’s appointment for my mom. When I heard them come home I went out to ask how it went and what he said. After I was updated and still waiting for my tea water to boil I realized that neither one of then have even asked how I am.

There’s this weird blue collar work ethic in my family. You’re just never supposed to have a off day or give in to illness. If you give in to illness, as I have by staying home today, then I have failed. What assholes.

Five months of never asking for time off from my new job, taking today off not only because I’m quiet ill but because my coworkers are really grossed out by my appearance and germs just makes me a loser in my parent’s eyes.

That’s twisted. I’d never do that to my kid.



6 responses to “I’m Pretty Sure I Need to Find My Own Place Sooner Rather Than Later.

  1. Don’t get lost in their disordered mess. But they have let you stay there, and you bring them some support by paying for food, and I also think you keep them from being overly “THEM”. You’re there, if you’re sick, stay in your room and take care of yourself. You don’t need to spread and speak to them, and you have a good reason to stay private when needed. But you also need to be there for your best end. This was no crisis, you don’t need to run away and move out for passive aggressive comments. And they would likely just redouble because your mom would just turn it around and use it too, to make you feel bad for leaving before you’re ready. Boo. She can rot in her misery, stick around and bring your dad some smiles.

    • Alex, you’re right, of course. I have SUCH knee jerk reactions to my mom making me feel unwelcome. I’m feeling much better. I bought them some expensive elderberry syrup and told them to take it twice a day to build up their immunity. No harm, no fowl. And yes, without me here I shudder to think how bad their fights would get, and sometimes I even fear something really dreadful might happen between them. Thanks, Alex, for your sensibility. xox

  2. I think it’s fabulous that you come here to document, because it gives you clarity, a chance to reflect. People may drive you absolutely mad, but as long as you focus on your centre you will be ok.

    • Alex, it’s interesting you say that. For most of my life I’ve battled w/ mental health issues including depression and high anxiety, among others, but it wasn’t until I was dealt the massive blow of infidelity that I’ve begun to change. Something about it caused me to get the help I needed to really learn about myself. To many people I probably sound very immature and still have so many knee-jerk reactions, but this is where I’m at in my development: learning that I may feel bad now, but I’ll feel good again soon, etc. To normal people they can’t imagine how BIG that is for me. I surely do appreciate your support. xox

  3. ML,
    I hope your plague has passed and you are all recovered.
    I am sorry your FOO is such torture. I understand your situation, as I am living my own version with my FOO. Try if you can to just view this situation as a place holder until you are ready to move on… Try to stay calm and don’t let them rush your plan. It seems like you and Dad just might be able to support each other and share love and some meaningful time.
    Alex is so right in her responses. Blogging about your life here really gives you a place to return and reflect.
    Right now, I am taking a break from my family. My friend shattered her wrist and I am in my tent in her backyard in Vermont camping and helping her out with things.
    If you need some away time from the family, have you considered doing respite for disabled people in your state? The friend I am with lived near where you are and she did respite in OR and is still doing it in Vermont. Some clients are very low need and it is basically someone just being there in case of emergency. The pay is much beter now and sometimes you can have a nice overnight away from where you are living and make some extra money. Let me know if this interests you and my friend can share some contacts.
    Be well and centered my friend. Change is happening slowly but surely.

  4. ENM, yes, it passed, as it usually does, thank you. I’m so glad you are able to get away again — you deserve it! No sooner were you home last time that you got hit w/ sh*t from your ex. Glad you’re in a new environment and hope your friend’s wrist heals well. I can’t get away as you described because of my job. And I’m going to start focusing on my health so will be getting into physical activity in my free time, I hope (and pray). I’m buying a Fitbit on Friday because a co-worker is really enjoying hers. I’m hoping to pick up a treadmill soon. I’ve got to put a stop to all this weight gain!
    I know you have your share of challenges physically, with your FOO, and with your ex, but you are a LUCKY woman that you have many good friends to visit and hang out with. I envy you them!
    Thanks for your support. xox

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