I Am Such A Whiner and I’m Sorry

I don’t really feel I “deserve” to write about how things are going because I’m looking at myself as a failure.

It was about 10 days of eating healthy and using my FitBit and then nothing. Nada. Zip. Back to the sugar. I enjoyed the deep water aerobics and found it challenging, so why did I not go this week? I used being exhausted and stressed from work as an excuse. Not a good excuse.

At the same time, the only thing that seems to be going well for me in my life right now is work. I feel I have found my place there and that I am enjoyed and appreciated. They may feel I’m a bit high strung, but I do come through. I have a good sense of humor. I am a team player.

Yesterday I did a couple of errands and then went to a few charity shops. I do not need anymore things from charity shops! But I have no other hobby or interest. I found myself cursing at drivers and being really wound up and I do not want to be that way!

I think it comes down to being out of control of my eating, weight, exercise — the more out of control it gets, the more I dislike myself and figure everyone else dislikes me too.

I also realized that I passed the two year mark since my ex husband used up my money, cheated on me, and kicked me out of our home. When I think back on that dark time I don’t know how I survived. Two very serious suicide attempts and just that searing pain for so many months. At this point, however, all I want is for him to leave my town.

Last Sunday I stupidly broke no contact and texted him and asked if he was still planning to leave town after he received his settlement money. He said something vague like he had already discussed this with me. Then he added something about when he tells me his plans. I wrote back and said, “Why would I be interested in your plans? I just want you to leave town.”

So now I fear that he is making plans to stay here. After all, his young girlfriend is from here. For all I know she’s pregnant or they’re already married. I don’t understand why I have to live with them under my nose. This is infuriating.

I do not think it’s healthy for me to be so obsessed with him and his happiness. It’s also ludicrous that I might imagine he is finding success when I know damn well he just can’t succeed. A few months back, after some online snooping, I saw that he is trying to import bikes from China. The idea of that is wrong on so many levels, I don’t know where to start. And he called the business a name that is also the name of a popular band — making it even more confusing.

I looked at the only webpage about the business so far and it is written in his usual formal and awkward English. He is so pretentious. I used to try to tell him why a sentence didn’t make sense, but being a narc he would not trust me. I do not have an English degree, but I can generally tell when something’s wrong with a sentence.

Imported bikes from China will not work in this town which is a serious biking town and already has many quality bike shops. He’d be better off to take it to Portland where he can find his own hipster crowd to sell to. My 50 year old Iranian hipster ex-husband. Yeah.

Meeting him and bringing him to MY town was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. He claims to hate it here, but when you rely on women to feed you, clothe you, and house you, you end up staying where they are. FUCK I regret ever meeting him!!!

I’m really disappointed in myself that I still have no friends or no social life. I have been wanting to go to a contra dance because I love Irish music and yet fear being the only single woman there. Or having to dance the night away only with women. I must be very self absorbed (duh) if that bothers me so much. But it’s like the hiking MeetUps that I will never go to. I’m frozen with fear. Ashamed of being alone.

Today is church and I always look for a reset and today is no exception. I’m wound up so tight and it’s not really because of my ex or work, it’s because I do not like myself.

I heard about a form of therapy (the Spartan Life Coach, maybe?) who said if you write down your story, your abuse story, and have someone read it back to you, you can find yourself feeling empathy for the person reading the story and then realize that you deserve that same empathy for yourself. I need empathy for myself. I’ve been so hard on myself for so long now that I’m exhausted.

I need to stop hating myself. I need to forgive myself. I need to stop thinking I’m the center of the universe and put myself out there. It’s one thing not to have a life partner, but not to have a single person to do ANYTHING with is, frankly, pathetic.

Meanwhile, I am worried about you, Alex, and how you’re coping. And I want to reach out to you, ENM, because you’re so very kind to send me postcards and ask after me. I care about you both and yet when I am in my stressed out zone I don’t take the time to reach out. Perhaps I have no friends because I am a bad friend.

All my life I’ve been partnered up with a man and didn’t need anything more. Now that has come to kick me in the ass, so to speak. Lately I’ve been seeing some of my mother’s qualities in me and that sends me into a depression spiral.

I’m truly sorry to complain so much. Truly.

I read that there’s some Irish music being played in town tonight and I’m going to consider going. I don’t know though, it’s in a bar setting and God knows what to do in a setting like that.

Shit.

I love you.

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17 responses to “I Am Such A Whiner and I’m Sorry

  1. ML,
    You are not a whiner. Life is very hard and you have found yourself in the position of having to reinvent yourself. I am so glad your work is going well. Just getting up and going to a job after all you have been through is a huge feat!
    The whole eating right and exercising thing is a great goal! You have made it 10 days of doing the right thing… just start again if that is what you want for you! So what if you made the tired/too busy excuse go back to the water aerobics as you can. You can do it. As far as food, my doctor sent me a letter telling me I have diabetes. I am so pissed that I still weigh less than I did the last 15 years or so but my body is just falling apart even though I have made an effort to better manage amount and type of food I eat. I am really whiny about the fact that the diet I must stick to is even more limiting. This has been the icing on the cake for me as far as deprivation in my life and lack of any real comforts. Ehhh and you know what triggers me to put shit in my mouth? My family specifically my brother and I can have a perfect food day and I start losing control after 10:00 at night. There has to be something else productive to do besides eat shit? But alas, my excuses. If just eating what I want would kill me quickly, I would be all over it, but the thought of a long protracted death with my family caring for me is terrifying!
    Just like you, I am wishing for more space between me and the x wasband.
    As I have told you, I have had weeks and weeks of late summer and fall budget or free getaways. It has been so wonderful, but now that I am essentially home for the winter, I am really having a pity party for myself. WHY? My family is toxic and living so close to the x (even though there is no contact, just the fear of seeing him) is sickening.
    BTW, you “should” be the center of your own universe. The reason we are having to learn these tough lessons at our age is because we were not taught as children to love ourselves. Do the best you can on this journey because you are worth it!

    The weather is in the 40’s here and the afternoon light on the tide river is just stunning. There is enough wind to rock the boats in the marina across from my front yard. I have two lawn chairs on the front lawn and I am mulling cider. Put on a sweater and join me outside even if it is just in spirit. You are welcome to whine complain and cry as much as you want while you gather some energy to take your next steps forward.
    Love and peace to you ML!

  2. Shit, ENM, I’m so sorry to hear about your diabetes. I have been teetering close to it for years myself. Are you going to manage it with diet and or medication? Do you have to test your blood?

    There are many days lately when I feel if I had a place of my own after a stressful day, I’d go home and drink. I’m not sure if it’s better that I just go home and eat junk food. I think they’re both terrible coping mechanisms!

    I plan to go to water aerobics at least three times this coming week. It is only offered M-Th so that is my big goal. The eating stuff? I don’t know. I can’t face it right now.

    I am envious of you being able to look out at water/nature. I get a lot of calm from water sources. But then in your case it is marred by your brother and his kids.

    The leaves are changing and dropping here, but it barely feels like fall and we have all the windows open this afternoon. I’m sorry that it feels like you’re preparing for a long, cold winter with no escape. Perhaps something unexpected will come up and you will get a break in the middle. Christmas with a relative, per chance?

    I wish that you and I didn’t fear running into our exes and their um, women. I wish that it didn’t matter to us what they did or who they did it with. I go everywhere alone, so if/when I run into them, I’ll be alone and that’s what scares me. I’m humiliated to be alone, and they are in a 2+ year relationship. Assholes. It’s still unfathomable to me that a supposedly decent young woman got caught up in his web and hurt me so badly. What was she told, I wonder.

    Church was good today. The assistant priest talked about our church as the “Pearl on Pearl” because it’s on Pearl Street. He talked about the irritation and grit that makes a beautiful pearl. Anyway he put it in a lovely way and threw in a few good laughs as well, quoting Mark Twain and Lucille Ball. He’s gay so it works. LOL.

    It was the “reset” button that I needed. I wish I could attend service seven days a week.

    I love you and wish I were sitting beside you laughing and talking about anything except our exes.

    xox

  3. Thanks ML.
    I am not seeing the doc for a couple of months, so it is not a HUGE emergency. Been testing my blood periodically at home for over a year and it has become increasingly more unpredictable and frustrating. I put it down and try to behave periodically and now is one of those times. Truthfully I think I am extremely dehydrated and do not drink enough water and then there is all of my meds that can increase blood glucose. The worst of all is stress which is a killer. There could also be an autoimmune component and I suspect that this could be type 1 diabetes which will require insulin shots. The doc will be testing me for antibodies next visit.
    The thing about this and most all of my illnesses is that “I” feel like I have been bad, done something wrong, am stupid, out of control, lazy, etc. It so relates to the being stuck in the sadness post betrayal, being alone, and divorce… Sometimes shitty things just happen and we have to move on as best as we can. I guess, or that is what I am trying to convince myself.
    I really do miss Episcopal church. You are getting so much community and inspiration from it, I should seek that out myself.
    Please try to love yourself and go easy on yourself, you deserve that kind of acceptance.
    ENM

  4. BTW, you have inspired me to start my own blog about my weird journey through life. I am working on setting things up this evening! Thank you!

  5. I think it’s really hard to take care of yourself when you feel so low. But I also think it’s worth the effort. Take baby steps. Make one small goal and work on that for a couple weeks. Then add another. Those small successes can give you a lot of confidence and help you feel better. I’m pretty sure you are nothing like your mother! From how you describe her, I do not see the same personality in you at all! As for friends, I think having friends in blog-land is huge step towards that. Friends are not made instantly, it takes time and nurturing relationships. Having friends on social media can give you confidence to reach out to real people in your community. Building relationships at work can help give confidence too. For you right now, it’s about building healthy relationships of all kinds, not just friends. Maybe you could consider joining a social group at another church that might include more singles if your church doesn’t have enough singles. If you’re looking for women friends, does your church have a women’s group, or do you feel like you wouldn’t fit in? Friends that have the same interest as you are especially nice to have. What about the people who run the charity shops, or others who shop there? Just throwing ideas out there. I know, for me, it’s hard to think of ideas when I’m feeling low. I’m a very all or nothing type and get stuck easily. I’ve made friends through running/exercising/weightloss because this is very important to me now. Anyways, I hope you are feeling better soon. xoxo

    • Cynthia, you’ve been with me since the beginning. The way you use exercise as an antidepressant is so inspirational to me. I know, because it was that way for me for many, many months. There were times I did not want to get out of the pool, or wanted to throw myself back into the water because the idea of getting on with my day and facing my reality was too awful. I hoped it would stay with me because it really did feel like a habit, but someone I lost it. I wish so much that I could go back to it and do it consistently like you do. I suppose any step, including baby steps are better than no steps, right?

      I think I am at that point of realizing I must look outside my church for like minded people to do activities with. I’m trying to talk myself into attending a contra dance next week, or just going to listen to Irish folk music but I can be so painfully shy! I am working on my courage. At church my friends are either matched up or 20 years older. At work my friends are 20 years younger. I really want to meet people in their late fifties and early sixties, yet I hate the idea of singles groups and I will NEVER, for my own personal reasons, try the online dating thing — no way.

      The bottom line is I have to “put myself out there” in some manner. I keep thinking about a year from now, how I could be in my own home, cooking food I like, and maybe taking my big dog for walks and I don’t feel lonely when I think of it — a lot of things feel like they are on hold while I live here with my parents.

      Have you been in many races this summer? Have any trips to the Pacific Northwest planned?

      xox

  6. I’m out of running right now injured (my hip). I did four 5ks this summer and one 10k. Next year- a half marathon is what I’m setting my goal at. That’s 13.1 miles! Scary goal, but I’m sure going to try for it. I worry about being set back now with this injury, but I can’t think that way. All runners need a break sometimes.
    I don’t see your life on hold at all. You are continually making positive progress and your life is continually evolving.
    I was hoping to visit my brother in WA for Thanksgiving, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. Although I still want to visit him sometime before too long. He’s way up near the Canadian border.

  7. Hey lovely! Thank you so much for your thoughtful shout out in the post- it’s Alex… I am doing alright. I’m… Plotting? Lining up my ducks. I am in a bit of a quandry. I could actually use some advice. Man-ho recently completed school, and promptly broke his leg. This has prevented him from getting a job in his field, which would make pulling the trigger on this “you’re busted” moment a lot easier- because we could each move on with separate finances and just be done. That’s my hope. But I have currently amassed quite a bit of debt for both of our schooling, and am the primary earner. If he doesn’t have a great job, me pulling the trigger basically leaves me on the hook for all of it and probably alimony. That’s bonkers. So… Do I wait, and maybe spend 6 months, continuing to plot, collect underwear and all other stuff, and pay off as much as I can on the guise of being really diligent with our money for our future… So that we are both better off to extricate from this gong show? How good of an actor am I…

    I’m so annoyed. It’s not even anger, it’s like sitting down for coffee I really want and finding out the milk is sour. It’s a bummer, but I’m not that broken about it. I always think about the new opportunities- I could move anywhere for any job that comes along. I could go on a reality tv show without worrying about missing someone. I’m just… I’m ok. How sad is that? I’m sure the rest of it – pain and all that, will come. But it’s not here yet.

    As for your post- I love your idea of going to an Irish dance. I know you’re not one to medicate after your past- and props for that- but have you tried daily sauerkraut for your anxiety? It can sometimes be related to your guy being way off balance and full of yeast. I eat some live sauerkraut every day and it helps keep me not a ball of nerves. It sounds crazy I know but… Just do some reading. Otherwise- what about something which you can do where you won’t feel watched? Like a community cooking class? You know your way around the kitchen but you could take a low fat one for some good ideas to cut the sugar? And then it’s not like dancing- you just ask to borrow someone’s knife, no one is watching your onions they are busy cutting theirs? Then you may find some people who would come dancing with you? Or a book club? An antique group? (I don’t know if those exist but you could put up a poster at a few shops and see if others show up?) you are absolutely wonderful so you have to give yourself a break. Breath deep and relax, because you are still leaps and bounds ahead of the woman you were, you are amazing.

    I love you back.

    • I saw both your posts, Alex. It sounds like you’re a little in a daze, but also figuring things out. Good for you. Waiting is very hard but it might be what’s right for you. Six months can seem like a hell of a lot of time when living with that cheater, however. I think as you’re weighing this, call and make an appointment with an attorney. Find out if he/she thinks you’d be on the hook as you suspect you will. Another option is to separate, have your consultation, and not take legal action for a while, but that also has some risks. Welcome to figuring out the rest of your life! Do you write on the Chump Lady site? You can always get a lot of great feedback there. As far as sauerkraut, I’m surprised, but not surprised because I’ve read a bit about how good pickled foods are for you. I think I’ll look into it because the gut is hugely ignored and it should be listened to! xox will be here for you.

  8. I wrote a giant reply, it’s Alex, but WordPress ate it. Doh!

    I am alright. I don’t know if I should stick it out for 6 months and get ho-man working as his recently completed schooling, because that may mean no paying alimony and I could get away cleaner. How good of an actor am I? Pretty good it would seem.

    Can you take a cooking class, or something a little less “eyes on you”? Like put up a meet up group for antique/white elephant junkies, and post it at some thrift shops too? I think a cooking class would be good becaus they often pair you up, but you already know how to cook but you could learn some healthy new tricks? And meet some folks?

    Anyways another thought regarding your anxiety- have you tried eating sauerkraut? It works for me really well. It sounds crazy. But it seriously brought me out of anxiety haze.

    • By the way, Alex, after reading your comment I remembered a class at the local adult activity center on fermenting. I looked it up and it is this Thursday so I paid the $18 and signed up. Somehow in two hours we’ll learn about making kombucha, vinegar, sauerkraut, and kimchee. And we’ll go home with a batch of sauerkraut we make ourselves. This sounds like so much fun to me! Thanks for the suggestion. xox

  9. That will be so cool! And making your own is so much fun! I’m sure you will find some nice yoga hippy folks, some hipsters, some diligent moms- this kind of class will bring in folks of all kinds!

  10. I’m on pins n needles to know how it went! And to know- did you make plain sauerkraut or can you/did you add other herbs and such to make it interesting? I kindof feel like adding dill would be amazing

    • LOL, the class was fun, Alex. All women except the instructor who was really informative. He basically demonstrated and then put it all in jars for us to take home. The batch of sauerkraut we made is the most simple one with nothing but the cabbage and brine. But he said after we know what that one tastes like we can add herbs, or carrots, beets, etc., so this has to sit with a loose top for a week, then we tighten the lid for two more weeks. In three weeks I’ll let you know! But I do think I will try it again on my own. He also gave us a kombucha start, which I’m not sure if I’ll get around to or not. I think I will when I have my own place and more room. He talked about kimchee and gave us a recipe, but I’m not sure I’m that brave. He even grows his own cabbage from German seeds! LOL. How are you doing? What’s new on the home front? xox

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