I don’t really feel I “deserve” to write about how things are going because I’m looking at myself as a failure.
It was about 10 days of eating healthy and using my FitBit and then nothing. Nada. Zip. Back to the sugar. I enjoyed the deep water aerobics and found it challenging, so why did I not go this week? I used being exhausted and stressed from work as an excuse. Not a good excuse.
At the same time, the only thing that seems to be going well for me in my life right now is work. I feel I have found my place there and that I am enjoyed and appreciated. They may feel I’m a bit high strung, but I do come through. I have a good sense of humor. I am a team player.
Yesterday I did a couple of errands and then went to a few charity shops. I do not need anymore things from charity shops! But I have no other hobby or interest. I found myself cursing at drivers and being really wound up and I do not want to be that way!
I think it comes down to being out of control of my eating, weight, exercise — the more out of control it gets, the more I dislike myself and figure everyone else dislikes me too.
I also realized that I passed the two year mark since my ex husband used up my money, cheated on me, and kicked me out of our home. When I think back on that dark time I don’t know how I survived. Two very serious suicide attempts and just that searing pain for so many months. At this point, however, all I want is for him to leave my town.
Last Sunday I stupidly broke no contact and texted him and asked if he was still planning to leave town after he received his settlement money. He said something vague like he had already discussed this with me. Then he added something about when he tells me his plans. I wrote back and said, “Why would I be interested in your plans? I just want you to leave town.”
So now I fear that he is making plans to stay here. After all, his young girlfriend is from here. For all I know she’s pregnant or they’re already married. I don’t understand why I have to live with them under my nose. This is infuriating.
I do not think it’s healthy for me to be so obsessed with him and his happiness. It’s also ludicrous that I might imagine he is finding success when I know damn well he just can’t succeed. A few months back, after some online snooping, I saw that he is trying to import bikes from China. The idea of that is wrong on so many levels, I don’t know where to start. And he called the business a name that is also the name of a popular band — making it even more confusing.
I looked at the only webpage about the business so far and it is written in his usual formal and awkward English. He is so pretentious. I used to try to tell him why a sentence didn’t make sense, but being a narc he would not trust me. I do not have an English degree, but I can generally tell when something’s wrong with a sentence.
Imported bikes from China will not work in this town which is a serious biking town and already has many quality bike shops. He’d be better off to take it to Portland where he can find his own hipster crowd to sell to. My 50 year old Iranian hipster ex-husband. Yeah.
Meeting him and bringing him to MY town was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. He claims to hate it here, but when you rely on women to feed you, clothe you, and house you, you end up staying where they are. FUCK I regret ever meeting him!!!
I’m really disappointed in myself that I still have no friends or no social life. I have been wanting to go to a contra dance because I love Irish music and yet fear being the only single woman there. Or having to dance the night away only with women. I must be very self absorbed (duh) if that bothers me so much. But it’s like the hiking MeetUps that I will never go to. I’m frozen with fear. Ashamed of being alone.
Today is church and I always look for a reset and today is no exception. I’m wound up so tight and it’s not really because of my ex or work, it’s because I do not like myself.
I heard about a form of therapy (the Spartan Life Coach, maybe?) who said if you write down your story, your abuse story, and have someone read it back to you, you can find yourself feeling empathy for the person reading the story and then realize that you deserve that same empathy for yourself. I need empathy for myself. I’ve been so hard on myself for so long now that I’m exhausted.
I need to stop hating myself. I need to forgive myself. I need to stop thinking I’m the center of the universe and put myself out there. It’s one thing not to have a life partner, but not to have a single person to do ANYTHING with is, frankly, pathetic.
Meanwhile, I am worried about you, Alex, and how you’re coping. And I want to reach out to you, ENM, because you’re so very kind to send me postcards and ask after me. I care about you both and yet when I am in my stressed out zone I don’t take the time to reach out. Perhaps I have no friends because I am a bad friend.
All my life I’ve been partnered up with a man and didn’t need anything more. Now that has come to kick me in the ass, so to speak. Lately I’ve been seeing some of my mother’s qualities in me and that sends me into a depression spiral.
I’m truly sorry to complain so much. Truly.
I read that there’s some Irish music being played in town tonight and I’m going to consider going. I don’t know though, it’s in a bar setting and God knows what to do in a setting like that.
I love you.