Don’t be nice to me. I mean it.

I feel bitterness moving in.

I work harder than anyone at the office and get paid the least. Not sure what I can do about that but I fear making it seem I’m complaining and want a lighter load, when I want the responsibility, I just want to be paid in proportion to my work. There’s one other person at my work without the workload and pressure and she makes more than I do. I’m becoming resentful — I juggle a huge workload.

I hope to buy a house, but when I do the math, I cannot afford one. If I buy a very, very modest home in the neighborhood I desire, I’ll pay about $1,100 a month. I only bring home $900 every two weeks — that would be very tight living. My car is 15 years old, but paid for. I have no debt except the unavoidable things, cell phone, for example. But I would have trash, electricity, water, yard care, home upkeep, car upkeep, and oh yeah, food. I might not qualify for a loan that size.

Thanks to the “California effect” and that this is a college town, house prices are out of touch with our wages. This has been a common complaint in town for years and years.

The ex and I have a lawsuit that I hoped would help me prepare for home buying. Even if it’s just $10,000 or $20,000 I’d be grateful and put it to good use. But our lawyer seems to be losing interest and it’s not going anywhere. I was really hoping I could use some of that to give my daughter a decent 40th birthday present, but now have no idea if or when it will come.

I feel embarrassed that I don’t make more even though I thought it was a decent wage at the time. The truth is, at this wage, I cannot afford to buy even the most modest home, so is it a living wage? No, I guess not. I am being penalized because I do not have a man with a second income. That sucks.

I don’t want to buy a condo, I find the HOA dues appalling, and the HOA people are almost as bad.

I am far too fearful to move out of town, I’d be afraid for my life every night when I went to bed. I’m not asking for much. I’m asking for a two bedroom, one bath.

I really miss my stuff, man. I miss it a lot. I want to come home and make WHAT I WANT TO MAKE FOR DINNER, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I do have a small business idea that I can try out just to see if I can supplement my income, it’s just that right now I’m overwhelmed with work and I’m tired. I keep thinking it’d be better to wait until the new year, but I don’t know if it will. If I’m going to start a business that will help make me look like I can earn more, I need it to do just that — earn!

I’ve talked about it for ages. Using my last gold ring to jump start a small business that I can do on nights and weekends, but I seem too fearful to take the plunge, even though it’s just a ring that I could lose. Sad thing is I paid $4,300 for it several years ago and probably would be lucky to get $2,000 now. Still, I think that’s enough to start my business. It would be hard to do it from my parent’s home. There’s just no room here.

So the ex and I haven’t spoken on the phone for a couple of months, at least, but tonight we began texting and emailing regarding the case. I decided I needed to talk to him because I didn’t want what I had to say be in print so I wrote, “I’m calling you.” And he wrote, “Wait.” “Just a sec.” And my imagination got the better of me. Just what the fuck is he so busy doing that he can’t talk to me about the ONE thing that might save his ass in the next year? Well, he could be fucking his 27 year old girlfriend. Or out drinking and partying. Or any number of things. So I went insane and wrote, “Never mind. You don’t need my input.”

And here I am after all this time feeling anything but MEH because he is not alone, like I am. He has never been alone in the two years since d-day. I have been alone, always. And I fucking hate his guts for that.

I haven’t known the touch of someone I love. I haven’t laughed with anyone.

I can’t read ChumpLady website anymore. I can’t be happy for someone who begins to date. I can’t be happy for the woman who got her house in the divorce. I can’t be happy because I got fucking nothing in fact I got fucked over. FUCK YOU WOMEN WHO GET ON WITH YOUR LIVES!

Then I realize that I’m far better off than some. And I’m a big fat whiner to complain at all. I am really hating myself.

Please, if you read this, don’t tell me I’m kind — I don’t feel kind. I don’t feel good or decent. I feel greedy and small. I should be looking at this from a different perspective, but right now I am blind.

We have tomorrow off from work. I should be thrilled! A paid day off! But I’ve got nothing to do and no one to do it with and I’m so fucking tired of that.

I’m fat. My clothes don’t fit. I’m killing myself with food.

I’m going to spend tomorrow looking for that righteous indignation I felt for so long after he dumped me. I felt I could accomplish anything somehow. It’s just that reality is hard. Getting up every day at 6:15 is hard. Answering phones at 58 is hard. I feel like a loser.

Let’s face it. I am a woman who made many, many mistakes that put me where I am today. The buck stops here. I feel such shame. I can’t recall the reasons it’s important for me to go on. What am I trying to prove, anyway?

ok. ok. i remembered i need to ask God to help. I looked up on my shelf and saw the November church calendar. On Weds., morning there is a mass. I’ve always wanted to go to it but never had a Weds. off. Now I know how I’ll start my day tomorrow and it doesn’t start until 9:30 so I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn.

that’s what I’ll do.


14 responses to “Don’t be nice to me. I mean it.

  1. ML, OK, it is what it is right now and I am sure it sucks.
    Let’s try to re frame things a bit to pull you back to center.
    Most likely, the LN contact has compounded all of the other issues. He is an inauthentic, parasitic sub human who needs a host with him at all times. I am so glad that you are not his host right now. Even if he had told you everything was better than ever, just remember who he is and that he has no capacity for self reflection as you do… Try to contact the attorney directly about the law suit. I hope you get some kind of award.
    The work situation sounds difficult. Perhaps, you should have a meeting regarding your goals over the next several years. If you are having a hard time with that perhaps it is time to put some feelers out and see if there is more pay elsewhere.
    I am very lonely just like you, but I am terrified to entertain a new partnership with anyone. What if I fell in love and years and years later, my partner turns into a psychotic asshole. I just can not handle the what ifs. Lonely right now while I heal is far better than the what ifs of being tied to another human.
    In regards to the chumps, this is how I think of their news:
    The chump who just reconnected with a high school friend, I am terrified for her. Where are the red flags? If someone hurts her after what she has already lived, I may lose my mind. I wish her well, but I would hate to see her hurt.
    The chump who has her house in her name again will be putting off retirement indefinitely because her x asshole did so much financial damage.
    I think that what is going on with you right now is just a projection of how things are painful and frustrating you with your life right now.
    Take a step back from the rigid image you have right now on your future. Nothing, no matter how well planned, is a guarantee. Relieve yourself of the burden of worrying so much about the future and concentrate on this moment right now and what you can be doing that is within your control to improve this very moment. Anything positive you do right now is going to strengthen your foundation for that unknown future some day.
    Get up, go to church and enjoy the beauty of the ritual that is a mass. Have collation with your fellow parishioners and the minister and enjoy who they are and what they have to offer in that very moment.
    BTW, I miss my things, my privacy, and deciding what I want to eat for dinner! You have the right to be pissed and jealous! Just feel the feelings, try to re frame the issue and move on… you have positive things to do for you in the here and now.
    Peace and Love,

    • Thanks, ENM. I know I have no right to complain. I’m just mad that my own decisions had me end up here. I’m ashamed, embarrassed, and angry. I want this lawsuit over because I WANT HIM TO LEAVE THIS TOWN THAT HE SUPPOSEDLY HATES. I have a letter ready for immigration so that they reconsider allowing him to become a US citizen. Then I never want to hear his name or see his texts again.

      I know your own situation is awful — at least I have some privacy! The way you live in the moment is so inspirational for me. The “good ex” used to say that he would ask himself, “What can I do right now to make it better?” and sometimes you could do something to make it better, and sometimes you can’t, but it helps put it into perspective. Constant fretting helps nothing!

      You’re absolutely right that nothing, no matter how well planned, is a guarantee. Being open to what may happen naturally is how I’d rather be. Thanks for being here. I love you.

  2. You aren’t bad. Your feelings are bad. I am a little burnt out, I will write more tomorrow but I have been waiting for a new blog from you, to see what’s happening. I agree with above. But I will write more later. Love yourself, a lottle. (Like little, but more like a lot)

  3. ML, It is a relief you were not offended by my post.
    My life sucks too often, but I do not want to compete in the shitty life Olympics.
    You have every right to complain. Let it out and learn something from what you thought were bad decisions. Please don’t take up residence in your shame. Many of the things you have written of were examples of you acting in good faith and the only issue was staying too long with a man who gutted you financially. No shame in that… As a matter of fact, LN is the one who should feel shame but he just has no conscience.
    As far as the jealous thing, think of it this way, 50% of first marriages end in divorce and second and third marriages have an even greater divorce rate. With that logic, there surely must be lots of miserable people out there… just like us. What you see when you look at others is just their public face. We have no idea if there is battery, gaslighting, cheating or financial abuse going on at home. I remember how loath I was to disclose to anyone the severity of abuse going on in my marital home, for fear if my x wasband became nice again, people would hate him or they would consider me stupid for staying and holding out hope. My x and I presented as the most put together loving couple. When the shit hit the fan and I tried to explain how bad things had been for so long virtually no one believed me because of the front I kept…
    We both have some pretty concrete ideas of where we want to be in the future (as if our lives start once we reach a certain goal). But sadly I am starting to realize that I may no longer be capable of manifesting EXACTLY what I am dreaming of and being rigid is only going to limit my opportunities as they arise if I am fixated on only one certain goal.
    As fucked up as it is here for me, the fucked up is not me but those who surround me. I am trying to find joy in even the smallest successes, it is hard but there is a small amount of OK here. I am growing and gaining strength so that once my commitment to my mom is finished, I will be ready to step out on my own and abandon my family if they can not respect my wishes and desires. Right now it is just a shitty temp assignment where I will have to clamp down and do the best I can until the job is over… But I am certain that right now, pebble by pebble, I am building a new foundation for my new life that I am living at this very moment.
    Get back to strict no contact. Reaffirm your faith at church. Work on loving and accepting yourself. Just do the you work and everything will be OK. Trust in God to lead you to the place you belong. The Universe knows better than our willfulness. I have been shown that lesson time after time personally and for some reason, I still insist on being rigid and mulish and it only hurts me and hinders my growth. Just do the best you can at the moment and you will affect change.
    I hope I have made some sense. I take pride in writing concisely but tonight, there is so much noise around me and interruptions that I can’t really adequately re read what I am writing. God I am surrounded by loud idiots and this too shall come to pass!
    Love you right back for your friendship and candid blogging. It makes me feel less alone,

  4. You my friend, are spiralling.

    Here’s what I want you to do.
    1) call your amazing therapist and get an appt. even one. Just to talk this through.

    2) buy yourself a tanning card, or a sunlamp. Your mood has plummeted since cloudy season started. You need some sun. Wear face sunscreen and all that, but a bit of sunshine will do wonders for your mood, drug free.

    3) go on Netflix or whatever, and watch the movie elizabethtown. It’s not about infidelity, or bitchy exes. It’s about epic, public failure. And how someone has to put that shit aside, and really understand other things.

    4) understand that you are spiralling. This is the start of the pull back into depression and since you want to forgoe medication, you need to find your alternative ways of dealing with it. If you don’t want to be on meds, you have to work out, you have to get out, you have to take care of yourself. I don’t know where that motivation will come from for you- call your sister and ask her to hold you accountable to it, or ask a new friend from church for prayer on it, because they will ask you and you will need to answer.

    5) sell the ring. Start your business. Steve jobs would approve. Go boldly towards your passion.

    6) don’t be jealous. A lot of those ladies who are dating, they don’t want to. There’s the false fronts and tears. There’s the need to prove they have value because x left with schmoopie. They have dark days just as you do. Today’s chump lady was full of insecure misery. And a few people constantly pushing that it will get better. Do you realize you are a success story? You no longer are attempting suicide, living off nothing in a terrifying situation where your husband made you feel worthless and yet kept sponging off you. You have no debt, you are safe, you have a healthy daughter, you are loved by her. You’re winning, you have some distance to go, but yes, you’re winning.

    7) don’t contact that man. He is nothing to you, and his contact just makes you worse off. If he gets his lawsuit, gravy. If not, leave him in the dust.

    8) Find another class. How is your kraut coming?

    9) make a linked in acct, and make your resume online full of all the things you do for your job. If there are other non profits looking, they will want someone with your knowledge and sensitivity. You may also look at govt positions- they sometimes pay more and yet have the same needs. You have the documented skills. All that keeps you there now is fear.

  5. My world- I leave the country in 4 days. My family member may pass while I am gone. I am going on a vacation with a man who is cheating on me, but had no clue that I know. Aside from that he’s great, so this is my gift to us- a
    Vacation before I blow everything up. I also just finished being a bridesmaid in a wedding, and this trip also had a wedding for another group of friends.

    The lead of a project at work has left on stress leave, the project will be essentially on me now, which is great except I go away. Since many days were just slated for stay-cation I am moving them around, into December so I will be able to be back on the project sooner. This is… Another stress but it’s finally a high profile opportunity.

    I am dealing with all that, and the further I get from the date of discovery of those stupid panties, the more I feel like maybe I’m crazy. I’m actually has lighting myself…

  6. *gas lighting. Not has lighting.

  7. Creativerational, good for you getting a higher profile assignment. I am so sorry you have a dying relative and the wasband to deal with…
    I do not envy you these days, but you seem to have a plan to protect yourself.
    No one wants to believe that their life partner is capable of such behavior. Back in my end of days, I wondered if there was someone else (there was someone minutes after my discard and really it doesn’t matter given the body of evidence in the abuse I was treated to). I was too busy trying to pretzel my half dead body so that my x wasband would just stop the cruelty. The worst part of the time was when he was his old self and I would think there was hope or maybe I was just so crazy I was imagining the abuse or so crazy I instigated his bat shit crazy and cruel abuse. If I had not been so sick and under the care of the visiting nurse, I would like to think the real me (autonomous self actualized woman before I became so sick) would have removed the toxic force from my life. But alas, I could not jettison myself for many reasons and was finally put out like trash. You know what happened and it really is that bad. You can do it you are mighty. This will hurt like hell, but you will be free to live an authentic life. I wish you all the best, I really do!

  8. I’m probably offline for a week or so… ML please- kick some ass! You are wonderful and awesome. Echo- thank you and much love!

    Cheers. Wish me luck.

    • Thanks for letting us know, Alex. I want to respond to you and ENM’s amazing posts, but I’m thrashed and am serving breakfast at the church this a.m. Will hopefully make time this afternoon. xox GOOD LUCK. I’ll pray for you.

  9. ML … I’m sorry you are/were feeling this way I hope your feeling better. I can so relate to what you wrote! I’m 29 months from DDay and I’m still a horrible mess I just can’t seem to heal! But my divorce has only been final for several weeks now and I have moved in with my younger sister and I left with very little. It all took way longer than it should have but I guess it’s finally over. I had one of those Jesus cheaters and it just shocked the hell out of me and many others it’s just been a huge trauma like it is for everyone. I just think I still have days I can’t believe what he did. I don’t see how people get through this I haven’t been able to work my depression is so severe!

    I missed seeing you on chump lady but I fully understand. I never did comment or post much but when I did you always commented to me and it was a big help.

    You seem to be doing really good to me, your moving on and I’m so happy to hear that. I’m so stuck and so disappointed in myself for not being stronger but I will get there

  10. Bless you, SoMuchHurt. You will get there, I promise. It’s so difficult. It’s different for each of us — there is no one who can tell you when it will happen, only that it will happen. I can also guarantee you that you will eventually feel empowered that you endured and eventually conquered the horror of his betrayal. It’s very easy to allow myself to remember those dark, dark days — I hate looking back at it! I recall, like others have commented on CL, wanting the very person who destroyed me to comfort me. That alone took over six months to wane.

    Please, please, please do not be disappointed in yourself, just try every day to put one foot in front of the other. For me, the life changing stuff happened when I began to work full time. Finally my mind had to be mostly occupied elsewhere.

    You’re not stuck, you’re just hurting. Be like those little Roomba vacuums and if you knock against a wall, turn and go another direction, and another, and another.

    I’m sorry your cheater was the Jesus cheater type. I can’t even imagine how that must double the pain of betrayal. I feel “lucky” that my ex had very few redeeming qualities so it was hard to be too shocked by his abandonment of me.

    Hang in there. Don’t give up. This is your timeline and no one else’s.


  11. Thanks ML! I pray 2016 is a great year for you you deserve it!!!!

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