I Landed Well

I had an exhausting week because I couldn’t seem to get a good night’s sleep. It was all I could do to go to work and come home and do nothing else.

Without saying too much, a woman who was a former supervisor of mine 10+ years ago came into my work. She knew I was volunteering there, but she didn’t know they hired me. She’s someone I highly respect and she was genuinely happy to hear I was working.

As she was leaving she said to me, “[my name], you landed well.”

I was so moved by her comment — it meant everything to me. When we land it means we had some say in the direction and the place of our landing, unlike falling which is out of our control. She was giving me credit for getting this job, being well liked there, and doing it well.

I thanked her and have been thinking about those words for a few days. I’m willing to give myself credit for landing there. I could have given up. I could have settled for that job at the mall but I knew I couldn’t. I hate malls. I knew I needed to hold out a little longer.

My young co-workers like me for me which has nothing to do with my age — they just like me, and I them. I am fortunate, yes, but I also put myself in the position that brought me here. I’m lucky I had my parents to rely on so that I could afford to be picky.

In the days that followed I have felt depressed. There’s a lot on my mind as far as whether I can afford a home or not. Yesterday it all but killed me to rake my parent’s front lawn. Will I be able to handle my own front lawn? What will my parents do when one of them dies and the survivor cannot afford this place?

I could offer to stay here and just invest the money I have. I could even look into whether I could add an extra bathroom to this house. But do I really want to never have my own kitchen again? I feel it’s detrimental to my health to not be able to come home and cook what I want and eat what I want. And I really miss time alone, but I do fear too much time alone.

This morning I almost talked myself into not going to church. I don’t feel so well (headache) and my stomach’s been upset. But I knew I was looking for excuses and made myself go. In the middle of the sermon I was finally glad I was there.

One of the reasons I was afraid to let God into my life was that I was afraid when times got better I’d drop Him. I’ve turned my back on people throughout my life and didn’t want to do that to God. I was begging Him  to ease my suffering and He helped me. He had been waiting for me since I was 13 and last went to church. Just because I’m down doesn’t mean I can walk away from Him or my church, which I also love.

I had this thought: I’m depressed because it’s a pretty natural state for me. I’ve been that way most of my life. To the outside world I hide it well, but those who are close to me can see it. The point is, while it is uncomfortable, sometimes even quite painful, it’s not going to kill me. And in the course of a day I find things that make me happy — I’m not in a funk all day long. I don’t crawl into bed. I keep moving.

So I was still quite bleh as I left church. I didn’t get in the line to shake the priest’s hands, I just walked to my car and left. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I need a winter coat, the one I have is four years old and is falling apart. But I didn’t want to go to the mall.

I drove to the charity shops and just took my time. In the end I found a few pretty cool things. It didn’t cost me much money. It kept me walking. It distracted me. And now I’ve got laundry in and tomorrow’s Monday and it’s a short week. Everything just flies by. Soon this week will be over. Thanksgiving will be over. Christmas will be days away and then it too will be over.

Do you all feel that way? That time is rushing by almost too fast?

I am thankful for God. For my parents and daughter. My co-workers and job. And for the women here who support me when I feel I often offer little in return. I hope you’re hanging in there please know I think of you and pray for you often.

Thank you, all.

xox

p.s. I almost forgot something weird. This week I got a text message from my ex saying, “Can you believe it, I can’t find work in this town even as a car salesman. Behold the pale horse ! I was told the other day that I am over qualified. I replied don’t you see a good deal here, you’re getting me for cheap.”

I wrote back, “I’m sorry to hear that.”

Can you imagine the gall? Did he think I’d puff him up like I used to? I think he really thought I’d care, and I’d console him!

 

 

 

 

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14 responses to “I Landed Well

  1. ML,
    It is so good to hear things are looking a little better, you deserve it.
    Some things about our stories are just so similar it is uncanny.
    You did land well! The situations may not be ideal all of the time, but the work and living situation you have found yourself in is doable most of the time. Nothing is perfect and I would really hate to think of the alternatives for us if it were worse…. not a pretty thought. I am glad that you received some validation from a respected person on where you are now… even though some day, we are going to be able to just look at things, re frame the situation and know it ourselves.
    Most likely, you are correct about thinking your natural state is one of depression. Some people are just that way. I bet it is because of the less than adequate parenting you received when so little that this is the way your brain uses serotonin. This is my issue because of my childhood and chronic life changing health issues. This base line won’t directly kill a person, but it can wear on your health. There are still moments if happiness, peace and joy. If you are aware you need to be filling your peace and happiness bucket, there are so many things one can do to improve the situation without meds. Keep working on the gentle self love and acceptance, you are having moments of success with this.
    Time flying, aging, and questioning physical ability are playing so much into my planning right now as well. The leaf raking reference, same here!
    You are looking at options of where you will be in the future and you are considering other possibilities as well which is healthy.
    It is no secret I hate the situation I am living in, but I am also entertaining how I could work this situation if the tiny house in Maine is not possible because of health and money factors.
    Hypothetically if you stayed put in you current living situation, you could benefit from some equity down the road. The mortgage originator in me is musing about you being in a home some day with built in equity and a specialized mortgage program with less debt load. Oh well a conversation for a later time.
    Is there a space for you to build an inlaw suite at your parents? Along with a bathroom… Or depending on the size of the yard, would there be space to build a nice tiny house with a small kitchen, bath, and bed room? It would be a shelter for moving on later if that is where you are going.
    I am going to try to make a 20′ tiny bedroom house with a small bath and a kitchenette. If I have the money when the time comes, I will buy land in Maine and then build a proper kitchen living room and revamped existing tiny house can be re vamped into a bath/bedroom house. just some thoughts, not suggestions. Draw inspiration from this if you can.
    Time does fly. Look at how much you have grown evidenced in the feedback from your old supervisor, you ability to let go of rigid expectations of outcomes and the best, time away from your abusive x has allowed you to put him in the proper place in your life, THE PAST. You did a marvelous job not feeding into his bullshit.
    I had wanted to make some crafts to send out for Thanksgiving, but things become too hectic here…
    I do want to reflect and truly be grateful for the things that have happened to me since my discard as that was a gift to my freedom and rediscovering myself. I am grateful that we were able to connect, even though it was horrible situations that brought us together.
    Have a Happy Thanksgiving ML. You are in my thoughts often.
    Alex, I have thought of you since your last comment and I am hoping you are OK and during this difficult time in your life.
    Peace and Love Ladies!

    • ENM, your plan for housing sounds do-able and smart. I hope it works for you! But meanwhile I hope that your current living situation becomes more bearable. I pray you are not staying out of the house at mealtimes like you were! That’s simply appalling. I can’t imagine what’s wrong w/ your brother to allow that. Like you, I am grateful to have my freedom from my ex. Life is challenging, but with him it was one long nightmare. It’s difficult to imagine how much I wanted him back. Why? Out of fear of being alone. I’m so glad we were brought together by our crappy circumstances! Any plans for Thanksgiving?

  2. That’s an awesome comment your former supervisor made! You landed well! Glad you’re doing better. You are so strong! I am worried that once you have your own place (whatever type it is) you will feel lonely 😦 but it will also be freeing that you can do whatever, whenever you want!

    • Thank you, Cynthia. I have that fear of being lonely too. My parents like me being here, I diffuse things for them. I don’t mind it, especially since I’ve been working. It would be nice if I had time to myself from time to time, but maybe I can take small trips for some of that. There’s a lot to think about, and thankfully no hurry. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. xox

  3. Happy thanksgiving all you lovely Americans! I am in dallas Texas at your airport …. Vacation was a needed break, lost my grandpa the night I left, missed the funeral, but got many messages of love from family that they understood my absence since I was already underway. Haven’t cried yet. Kind of worried that I am turning to stone. Sometimes people call me the ice queen because I just get… Unmoving when things are happening. I don’t know if I continue to harden if it will ever be soft again.

    • Alex, I don’t think you’re hardening. You may be compartmentalizing. You’re secure in knowing you loved your grandpa and he loved you — that’s what’s most important. You can mourn him in any way you like, even if it’s to celebrate his life. I know he’d be glad you took that much needed vacation time. Perhaps you’ll cry when you have some quiet time alone. xox

  4. ML… Hope you are well and just busy like a bee with life stuff! I just wanted to drop you a note and say that I miss you and hope that you’re not missing for the scary reasons, but you’re missing for the good ones- you’re off rebuilding your ‘real life’ life instead of just hanging out online. But regardless of why you may be away, I am thinking of you and love you and look forward to your posts.

    I started reading a blog because of a comment on CL- it’s called my journey into darkness- about a lady with a tramp, surprise surprise. She also struggles with some negative stuff, and for good reason. I actually encouraged her to volunteer as you did- with people who have undergone some bad stuff, and mentioned your blog and the reasons you seemed drawn to it- and how it seemed to offer you something else, and help you gain perspective and rebuild, lots of stuff. Anyways. She actually said she was interested but had no clue how to do anything like that, but she did volunteer at a soup kitchen for Christmas Day. This is a woman who’s family has gone NC because of spouse, and she is utterly alone. You are the reason she will be with people- helping people and finding some joy and filling her heart with agape this Christmas. You and your good heart have spread to cold old canada and back down to wherever the heck she is… And I wanted you to know that. Because you are awesome.

    Cheers!
    CR…

    • Wow, Alex, you really moved me there. You give me too much credit, too! (xox). I’ve been too busy to write, and that’s always a good thing for me. When I catch my breath I will look at your new friend’s blog. I don’t know what I would have done without mine for the first year and even now it means so much to me. It’s a part of me and my life that is so personal. Odd, right? Since it’s actually public. But my friends, co-workers, family don’t know about it and I like it that way. I recommend blogs for all! (and I do really like wordpress.) Thank you for your very generous words. I hope you’re doing alright! xxxxxxxxxxooooooooooo

  5. I am doing great. I am pushing myself at work, applying for some great stretch roles which will require me to move. I had a great holiday – I basically went to Mexico to nap, and I am now revived. I am handling a project at work which has some big intense responsibilities and if I do it well I hope to be seen as a person they should invest in- and argue for them to pay for my masters. I have a shifty gross growth I still have to get rid of but all in good time. I will get there. Everything else is… Not so terrible. I have poured myself into the blogosphere as a supporter, because I see so many people feeling so much pain right now. Maybe I am compartmentalizing. Maybe I am also just rational, and so I can recover faster than some people who have way more of an empath spirit. Whatever reason, I feel strong, so I’m trying to share that with the woman who is 94 lbs because her terrible marriage continues to consume her. And the woman with a debilitating disease who finds it hard to find the means to leave. And the woman who just kicked him to the curb, I am just there to high five. I don’t know people that well, but I revel in their successss and want to lift them when they are low because I will be there. I will need those people so I will be that person.

    ML how is your daughter doing? You two seem quite close- does she ever comment or notice your ups and downs or is that behind the Wizards curtain? I hope you are well too.

    • The people you support (like me) are so lucky to have you in their lives. But yes, be sure you’re getting what you need, too. The suffering in the world can seem overwhelming at times. My daughter is well and managing to stay dry in very wet, flooding Portland. I took her and her boyfriend to the symphony for Handel’s Messiah last weekend and it was glorious. We spent the whole day and evening together. The next day I had co-workers call me to ask if I wanted to join them at a Pasta Making class, also in Portland, and since my daughter was busy, I joined them. It was so much fun. Tonight I had two (yes, 2) things to do after work, which never happens. I met old work chums from 10+ years ago and had a great time, then met current co-workers at a restaurant for more fun. Imagine me doing all this stuff! It’s pretty amazing. What are you doing for fun, Alex?

  6. Ok. I made my first post. Now you can read me too. I miss your face here on the blogosphere but it sounds like stuff is really kicking ass in your world so cheers to that!!!

  7. Hey lovely- can you tell us all where you got your cover art? If it’s something I should know, I don’t. If it’s not, I would love to know the story of how you chose it. Cheers!!!!

  8. Hello ML. I hope your Christmas went surprisingly well even if you’re in a bit of a sad mood. I’m thinking of you.

    • Alex, I will catch up w/ you soon. And I will catch up on your blog. Right now it’s all can do to go to work and come home. I’ve had a horrid cold/flu (did Christmas happen?) and my dad’s been in and out of the hospital. The stress is sky high. Don’t think I’m disappearing. I’m just trying not to succumb! xox

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